Valdor heard a sound throught the small riged crackes on the front dore. It sounded like a high pitched yell. Varder soon determined that it was the crying of a baby. He got up from his chair at the table. As he crept closer to the door, the crying became louder. He slowly opened the door afraid of what might be on the other side.[b]
You spelled the character's name differently in this paragraph...you want to avoid those mistakes, especially in the beginning. Also, spell check! "Throught" is not a word. I know what you mean though...just keep in mind, spell check is essential!He opened the door and seen nothing.
Opened the door and seen nothing? Make sure you keep your verb tenses the same in your story. He opened the door and saw nothing. Read it allowed if it helps.He looked down. He was amazed at what was in front of his eyes. It was a human child! Valdor had never seen a human before. The human had eyes as blue and the ocean. His hair was as dark as night. He had pale like skin wich made him look more like an elf than any human has before. The baby had rounded ears wich was the first hint to Valdor that this child was human.
What is Valdor? You can answer this question without giving away too much about the plot. The beginning lead me to assume Valdor was a human, so this seemed almost sudden...I'm assuming an elf, but maybe I'm wrong? This prologue doesn't really hint either wa.
And you say the baby had dark hair like the night- keep in mind, newborns don't have much hair. How old is this baby? And you said "made him look more like an elf than any human has before." You should say "than any human had before". Keep your verb tenses the same- is it in past tense, or present? Pick one, and don't switch. I would reccomend the past.
Also, "wich" is not correct- you mean "which". Spell check again! I won't mention spelling again in this review, but keep it in mind. It won't take long, but it will help you tremendously.He picked up the baby that was laying in wooden craddle made of red oak. It looked as if the touch of God was on the basket. The basket what intwined with red lace and obviously made by a master craftman. He took the basket inside along with the babby. The child had stopped crying now and his father stood at the south end of the dinning table looking with amusement. The father asked Valdor what he had picked up from on the porch.
"picked up the baby that was..." should be "picked up the baby who was". That's an easy mistake to make though, I do similar things alllll the time. You mention God in this paragraph- I don't know what the plot will be, but remember- if you mention God, I'm going to assume there is some religion involved in the story. Don't mention God at all if it's irrelevant.
This is also the paragraph that you begin saying "the father asked"...Instead of this, you should just insert dialogue. Don't tell us, let the characters tell us!The father inspected the child. Instantly Valdor's father know that the baby was not of the elven race. The father asked if Valdor knew anything of the parents or who left the baby on the poarch. Valdor told his father that there was no note nor had he seen the man or woman that abandoned the human child.
I just want to emphasize the importance of letting your characters speak- this is how the reader becomes attached! Let them speak and move, don't allow the narrator to take that role.Valdor's father pondered long and hard about the subject. The father thought of giving the child to authorities. The father pondered on the subject for many minutes, and finally he looked like he had come up with a decision on what to do with the child. Valdor's father decided not to give the child up to authorities. Valdors's father knew that the child would become a slave to the elven empire and that was no life for any man even if the child was a human.
Dialogue again. Not only will readers get attached to the characters, it will lengthen your text.Valdor's father decided that he would raise the child as his own. He would care and provide for the child as if it were his own son. Valdor smiled at the thought of having a brother. Valdor had always wanted a sibbling and now he had one. Valdors's father then said, " Even if the child is not of elven race I shall give him a elven name. I have pondered on the subject of names and have come up with a name that suites this child well and his name shall be Aarron!"
I would space the dialogue separately from the rest of the paragraph. Instead of saying "Valdor's father then said," I would have the dialogue and end it with "said Valdor's father"- or something to that extent. What is the father's name though? Give more description and information about these people..it will make readers keep reading.And so it was!
zenonian wrote: The father inspected the child. Instantly Valdor's father know that the baby was not of the elven race. The father asked if Valdor knew anything of the parents or who left the baby on the poarch. Valdor told his father that there was no note nor had he seen the man or woman that abandoned the human child.
Valdor's father pondered long and hard about the subject. The father thought of giving the child to authorities. The father pondered on the subject for many minutes, and finally he looked like he had come up with a decision on what to do with the child. Valdor's father decided not to give the child up to authorities. Valdors's father knew that the child would become a slave to the elven empire and that was no life for any man even if the child was a human.
Valdor's father decided that he would raise the child as his own. He would care and provide for the child as if it were his own son. Valdor smiled at the thought of having a brother. Valdor had always wanted a sibbling and now he had one. Valdors's father then said, " Even if the child is not of elven race I shall give him a elven name. I have pondered on the subject of names and have come up with a name that suites this child well and his name shall be Aarron!"
And so it was!
end of prologue
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