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Devil's Island



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Fri Feb 09, 2007 7:32 pm
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Swires says...



Rated for Language

All those who reviewed Scall's Magic. Thank you. That story is still on going and Im making slow progress. However the problem is that it is the writing of a history of another story. This story, in the world of Dovekread is the real story - the idea came to me and I wrote the story in 300 words. I began work on the first chapter straight away. I like it yet, as always Im open to critiscism.Enjoy

The Wizeman Echelon prepared for death. He had a bowl of water before him, a dagger to the right and was wearing nothing as he sat, cross-legged on the ground. He gulped, it was hard to let go after thousands of years of being alive.

He shivered, stretching out for the dagger. He snatched his hand away, breathing and rubbing his hands on his legs in discomfort. Snapping his head around the Skull, with its crooked smile and worn head, shook at him.

“You are simply being silly now,” the Skull said in its patronising voice.

“You are the silly one,” he said, “you have driven me to this!” Echelon stood up and threw the bowl of water at the skull which sat, ever smiling on a pile of rubble. Missed.

“Are you any use at anything you do?”

“Stop that – I'm better than you will ever be.”

“I'm a skull,” it laughed. “It would be hard not to be.”

Echelon, tears in his eyes, sick of a hundred years or more of this banter curled up and cried. “Don’t talk to me!”

“Then you’ll have no one,” it whispered. The skull was right, Echelon had no one nor had spoken to anyone in little less than three and half centuries. He had found the skull in the last century and it had never gone away – ever talking to him and tormenting him, bettering him in every sense. At times, he wanted to throw the skull from the keep’s walls and watch it plummet into the dry moat below. But he would have no one to talk to, no one to exchange banter with.

“Maybe…” the skull began, “…you don’t know how to kill yourself.”

“Kill! I’m a Wizeman!”

The skull purred with laughter. “You don’t know what one of those is, you’ve forgotten.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” he clenched his hands repeatedly, scrunching up his tired face.
He bit his teeth together and shivered in frustration. “I. Haven’t. Forgotten!”

“If you say so. But I say you have.”

“Shut up, I could kill you at times.” He took the dagger from the floor and hurled it at the skull, it spun through the air and forced the skull from the rubble-throne. It landed, echoing through the old keep. He gasped and ran behind the rubble, picking it up and rubbing dust from it.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don’t get angry.”

“How dare you! You incompetent bastard! You spineless, filthy, bastarding shit.” The skull was mad, really bad. It only ever swore when it was angry. Shivering in fear he placed the skull down and backed away, shaking his head.

“It wasn’t my fault. You drove me to it – you always do. Don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me.”

“You need punishing, you cannot treat me, your friend like this. You know what to do Echelon.” The skull seemed to look at the dagger.

He pleaded with the skull but it had none of it. He had been unloyal. If he didn’t do what the skull said then it would go silent until he did it. Or it could remain like that forever.

“Ok – ill do it, just don’t leave me here on my own.”

He took the knife and drew across the opposing wrist, drawing a little blood and cringing at the sight and hurt of it. “Is that enough.”

“For almost killing me! I think not!”

He sliced again, this time deeper and with more force, he blurted out curses from the back of his mind and managed to get out, “Enough?”

“The other.”

He traded the knife over to his wounded hand, now covered in blood. He cut through his other wrist, harshly – it opened quickly from many practises. He crumpled to the floor, yelling curses to the steeple. He stopped, panting like a wounded dog and looked to the skull who was satisfied.

“That is enough,” it said. “I hope you have learned your lesson.”

“I have – I won’t hurt you again.”

“But you will hurt me again, you hurt me by your very existence. You see, I unlike you do not need company, in fact – I rather prefer to be alone.” Echelon dived to the skull, holding it and roaring in its face.

“Please don’t leave me here, I’ll never cope. Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go.”

“For you – ill stay for a little longer. If you let me down.”

He placed it down on the rubble-throne and sat again, nursing his wounds. “How did we end up here – in fact, where are we?”

“We are in the ancient fort, remember?”

He puzzled for a moment and pretended to remember just for his own dignity.
“Of course, the fort.” There was a pause before he looked at the skull again. “So why did we come here?”

The skull sighed, “Because we were being chased by a mob – you put your foot in it again didn’t you, you always ruin my plans.”

He rocked slight, biting his wrist. “Yes – the mob, I think I stole something.”

“You did – you stole a girl,” the skull laughed. He drew blood now but continued biting in a frenzy, rocking backwards and forwards, laughing at sweet nothingness.

“Yes, yes. The girl. But that was you, you told me to…to…”

“What? Kill her?”

“Don’t say it!” He grew angry with the skull again but the fresh wounds reminded him who was in charge.

“You killed the girl – you Raped the girl, you Fucked the girl,” the skull sang in a mock voice.

“I didn’t, I can’t have done.”

“But you did – I was there. You can’t lie to me Echelon, I am you.”

He looked at the skull, still biting into his bloody knuckles, chewing his flesh like someone deranged and still smiling but crying at the same time.

“You’re not,” he shouted, “You are a skull.”

The skull was silent.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
  





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Fri Feb 09, 2007 10:33 pm
Lilyy03 says...



The Wizeman Echelon prepared for death.

For some reason "Wizeman" made me laugh, and I'm guessing that wasn't the effect you were going for, lol. I think it was because it looks like some teenage chatter's version of "wiseman".

He gulped, it was hard to let go after thousands of years of being alive.

That comma should be a period or semicolon.

“Ok – ill do it,

I'll.

He placed it down on the rubble-throne

Rubble-throne--I like it. :D

I foun this to well-written and interesting. Though I never really like graphic descriptions of blood and stuff.

You did a good job of portraying the relationship between Echelon and the skull, and their individual personalities.
  





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Sat Feb 10, 2007 12:18 am
Jennafina says...



and was wearing nothing as he sat,

I'd just say naked. Wearing nothing sounds awkward.

Snapping his head around the Skull, with its crooked smile and worn head, shook at him.

This confused me at first. Before the next sentence, I thought he was snapping his head around A scull, (whatever that means, lol.) You should add a comma after around.

“I'm a skull,” it laughed. “It would be hard not to be.”

I love this. :D

“I. Haven’t. Forgotten!”

I think if you spell out 'have not' it will have more dramatic effect.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don’t get angry.”

This is also really cool, how Echelon hates the skull but wants it to like him.

“Ok – ill do it, just don’t leave me here on my own.”

“For you – ill stay for a little longer. If you let me down.”

I'll.

He puzzled for a moment and pretended to remember just for his own dignity.
“Of course, the fort.” There was a pause before he looked at the skull again. “So why did we come here?”

I think there's a formatting problem here.

Ooh, awesome ending!

I like how Echelon needs the skull, even though it's mean. It's interesting that he'd rather be hated than be alone. What I'm curious about, though, is why didi he keep the skull in the first place? I can understand depending on it after a long time, but at first wouldn't most people throw it away?

You've got such wonderful dialogue. I love the way the skull talks, especially when he insults Echelon. It's awesomly creepy. ^_^

Thanks for posting.
-Jenn
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 9:32 am
Swires says...



Thanks all.

Ill work on what you picked out.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 10:00 am
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Swires says...



Quick Question:

Are you taking the skull as an animated object or a figment of Echelons imagination?
Previously known as "Phorcys"
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 9:21 pm
Jennafina says...



Heh, I'm dense. 0_0 Because this is in fantasy fiction, I automatically assumed it was real!

That pretty much invalidates half my comments, lol.
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Sun Feb 11, 2007 9:43 am
Esmé says...



Quote:
Snapping his head around the Skull, with its crooked smile and worn head, shook at him.
The last part is a tad bit unclear - the skull shook?

Quote:
It only ever swore when it was angry.
Did I miss something or is the ‘ever’ not needed?

Quote:
“You need punishing, you cannot treat me, your friend like this.
Comma after ‘friend’? I’m not sure, though.

Quote:
You know what to do Echelon.”
Comma after ‘do’.

Quote:
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don’t get angry.”
I kind of went back here, but I have this weird feeling that that that would be better in the previous paragraph. -Your choice though, that was just a suggestion.

Quote:
“Ok – ill do it, just don’t leave me here on my own.”
Ill - I’ll ? And ‘ok’? That just doesn’t seem t fit in, somehow. Your story, however.

Quote:
He pleaded with the skull but it had none of it.
Comma before ‘but’?

Quote:
“Is that enough.”
Question mark here?

Quote:
You see, I unlike you do not need company, in fact – I rather prefer to be alone.”
Comma after ‘I’ and ‘you’? -Just a suggestion.

Quote:
“For you – ill stay for a little longer.
I’ll.



Okay, sorry if I repeat myself, but I didn’t read the earlier crits. -Though I agree with Jenna, I took the skull’s existence for granted.

-elein
  





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Sun Feb 11, 2007 12:40 pm
Swires says...



No - the skull is real!
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Tue Feb 13, 2007 4:37 pm
Fan says...



Great characters. But is it a prologue because i want to know how echleon came by the skull and how he's lived for so long.
  





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Tue Feb 13, 2007 5:54 pm
Swires says...



No its chapter 1 because the MC is Echelon and the story is about his pursuit of his past.

Lol - Ive just written the part where the skull gets thrown off a mechanical flying machine...

Thanks for the comments.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
  








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