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Young Writers Society


The Chronicles of the Heart



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270 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1373
Reviews: 270
Wed Jan 31, 2007 1:39 am
Alice says...



“Come on girl, up, up, up!” Quinton begged. Her dragon had just taken a face full of cloud and she was a salt water dragon. “No girl, come on.”
Her dragon fell straight into the ocean. The force of the impact knocked Quinton out. Quinton’s dragon got some water and left, not knowing that she was leaving behind the best and only friend she ever had.
It was three days that Quinton was floating on the water. On the forth day a boy on a boat saw her, and pulled her aboard. He remained silent while listening for breath.
“Good she’s alive,” he said. He laid her down on his bed, and left a note saying that the bottle on the floor was for her. He waited on the deck.
Later in the day she woke up and drank half the bottle of water. Once she was finished she stood up and walked around the room. After a while there was a screech at the door.
“You’re awake!” he exclaimed. He grabbed her hand and began to pull her to the door.
“Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! I don’t even know who you are!” she shouted.
“I will explain at dinner, and if you don’t trust a strange man trust someone who saved your life,” he said. Then he grabbed her hand again and pulled her to the deck.
He pulled the chair out for her. They ate dinner silently. Quinton was very curious to where she was or how she came to be there.
Finally he spoke, “my name is Jim Johnson, and I sail around Cilinderica.”
“My name is Quinton Dragi, and I am in a desperate search for my dragon, Namarhie. She may be lost. I need to find her,” she said.
“Then I will do whatever I can to help you find her,” he said. Quinton noticed that he was a little disappointed. “Then you can go on with your life.”
‘You’re a good man Jim,’ she said. He looked slightly embarrassed.
“We should get ready for bed,” he said.
“Oh… Well ok,” Quinton said. She followed Jim to the room that she woke up in. ‘good night Jim and thank you for helping me,’ she said as he left the room.
“Good night Quinton,” he said.
That night Quinton dreamed a strange dream. She was cleaning and this man came in and said something to her. She began to wander around the room angrily and yelled at him. He grabbed her arm and pulled her away. She whistled and Namarhie came though the wall. She climbed on her back and flew away. Over the ocean and arrow came up and shot Namarhie. She fell into the ocean as Quinton was escorted off.
“NO!” she screamed. She gasped for breath, then she relaxed, it was just a dream, just a dream. Around the room things had fallen all over the floor. She got out of bed and cleaned it all up. She swept the broken glass and put it on the dresser.
She opened the door and walked up to the deck. She looked out into the open sea. The sea was as blank as a piece of parchment. Jim heard her sing something beautiful in a different language. He took a step toward her.
“So where are we beginning our search for your dragon?” Jim asked.
“Well we were going to the weeping willow. That’s where we shall begin.”
“Would she know how to get there?” Jim was positive that he had her there.
“Of course she would we live there, it is a nice spot by the red blood river.” Jim was shocked. He wondered why she lived in or by a tree. ‘Namarhie sleeps in a cave in the mystery mountain. But it’s not like every night its just weeks at a time.’
Jim said nothing; Quinton stood still and was silent. A tear ran down the left cheek of her face. She wanted to jump over the edge.
In two days they reached the river that ran by the weeping willow. It was one more day before they reached the weeping willow. Quinton jumped over the edge and rushed to the cave.
  





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375 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 375
Wed Jan 31, 2007 2:52 am
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna says...



ok, um, well then. first of all your story jumps headfirst into the action (sometimes a good thing, for a grabber and all), but in this case, the whole action scene is moving too fast; and before you know it the reader is somehow aboard a boat. It seems as if all you read are the cliff-notes (and very bad ones at that). You never get a chance to find out who the characters are, what they look like, and how they act.

The whole thing is just rushed, it could be saved, but it would require completely re writing it. It need's A Lot More fleshing out.

DQ
Life's a B*tch, slap it upside the head.

Dargquon Ql'deleodna: (n) "Dar-qu-on Kel-del-ode-na" something i made up that sounded cool, partially based off of the Drow Drizzt Do'Urden's name style
  





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52 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 52
Fri Feb 02, 2007 1:32 pm
Chibi says...



I agree with Darg, you've given us basically the start, middle and plot of the tale...we know what's happened, what's happening and what's going to happen. Yawn.

Describe the dragon falling for one, give the reader a sense of vertigo. Oh, and according to myth and folklore and the like, dragons are VERY wary about giving out their names, I would suggest that you take out the parts where she tells her rescuer her dragons name and leave it at "I need to find my dragon, I think she is lost." or the like.

Also, expand on the passage aboard the ship. Does she get seasick, are there others aboard, how does he treat her, how does she treat -him-?

Teeny tiny details like that, that give the bare bones of your story, flesh, blood, skin and most importantly of all, -features-!

Otherwise...it has potential.

~Chibi
I speak with abscences, my lips move but no sound escapes; my life is but an eternal darkness searching for it's light.
  








If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
— Noam Chomsky