Young Writers Society

I want to commend you on your tremendous effort first of all. It's hard to post one of your works. But, this review will make you a better writer (I hope ) so listen up.

"Exploiting our darkest fears and now we’re like the walking dead."
I get what your trying to say, but I don't like this sentence. Re-pharse.

"I feel the light betray me and I’m left sitting all alone in my head."
These are two seperate ideas. Do not combine. "I feel the light betray me. I'm left sitting all alone in my head."

"Like a concrete shield we have build a barrier between their world and our hell."
Comma after shield, built instead of build.

"Raging with emotion but not a breath whispered. Not a word whispered. Not a thought whispered."
I don't like how you repeated. You seem to do this a lot. This case is a little different than the rest of your writing which I will address at the end. Rigtht now I wanted to focus on this sentence. (Comma after emotion) "Emotion raged through me, but not a breath, word, or thought was whispered."

"Starring blankly into a broken image reflected, we can’t stop what we see. It’s breaking through, the hate, though it’s not in our nature. We just can’t let go from the hate, the hurt and all who poisoned our dreams."
What? This is okay...but you can do better! Try this: "Even thought we can't stop what we see, we stared blankly into a broken image. The hate breaks through our barriors, even though it is not in our nature. We can't let go of the hate; the hurt which poisens our dreams." Even if you don't use this sentence, simicolon after "reflected", simicolon after "hate". ALso, "The hate" breaks the flow of your narative. take it out or place it somewhere else in order to help the sentence flow.

"If we keep holding on to our past, our present shall deny us a future, no doubt."
take out no doubt.

"and breath life in a place so dead?"
Breath is supposed to be breathe, I think.

"They say that the ‘bLaCk PaRade” can safe us"
Safe is suppose to be save, and did you mean for the "black parade" to be spelled like that? (The way you have it in the sentence?)

"We’ve been sleeping a lifetime but now we’re going to open our eyes to everything."
Comma after lifetime.

"That’s a chance we must take, even though so many have run away into the mists. Never to be seen again, by neither the dead nor the living, exiled from their own homes."
Put "never to be seen again" at the end of the proceeding sentence and start a new sentence with by. Simicolon between living and exiled if you do it this way.

"We have been waiting for the ‘bLaCk PaRade” now for eternal, or as we outlaws call them the famous living dead."
So is the "black parade" and "famous living dead the same thing? You do not explain yourself well.

"their singing a sound that answers the silent crying of the lost, and provide a tomb for the homeless; were they can Rest In Peace."
I don't like the phrase "singing a sound" and this sentence is way too long.

"For you immortals who just don’t understand. They simply are of a hybrid nature. Half ghost. Half vampire. Half dead. Half alive."
Combine the sentence ending with "understand" to the sentence starting with they. (Comma after imortals.) Combine half ghost with half dead by a simicolon. Same thing with half dead and half alive. Like this: "For you mortals who just don't understand, they simply are of a hybrid nature. Half ghost; half vampire. Half dead; half alive." Like so.

"Their invisible to the eyes of the living like you, but liberating to the eyes of the dead, like us."
Take out like you and take out like us.

"that’s been dispelled to the City of the Dead; and so do its citizens."
this doesn't make sense. Re-phrase for the benifit of your reader.

"Raging wars against tyrants and in a vigilantly style
rebelling against dictatorship; is what we do and all we knew"
I like this sentence, but I don't like the way it is phrased. "Vigilantly rebelilng against dictatorship and raging wars against tyrants is what we do and all we know." (Or knew. I think it should be know. But I'm not sure on that.)

"Like a wise man he would utter his words of poison. Like a pack
of sheep a crowd of what we call non believers, but they call believers,
chant their emperors name with pride and excitement. Unaware of
what was coming around the corner for them and unaware that death
was lingering right before their eyes."
Comma after man and sheep. Also, don't put "they call believers" it ruins your narrative. Try this: "Like a wise man, he would utter his words of poison. Like a pack of sheep, a crowd of what we call non-believers, chant their emporers name with pride and excitement, unaware of death lingering right before their eyes."

"Legends about heroes and happy ever afters, kept us going through the cold long winters."
No comma.

"to have the suns raze dance on your skin."
Rays instead of raze.

"But still than we lived in mortal danger because of one man."
Comma after still.

"Not just a home to call our own, but our hope and believe in a return to life;the way its written in the stars of destiny."
Belief instead of belive.

"We tried to howl at the moon but with all their might they suffocated us into oblivions."
Comma after moon.

"and there was nothing to safe us; the underworld had been summoned to destroy us for good."
Save instead of safe. Also, put a period after us and exclamation mark after good. (of course, capitolize for)

"I carried on running out of control in fear for what was left of my life."
Comma after on and comma after control.

"I went of into a state of oblivions."
Off instead of of. Oblivion instead of oblivions.


You give us too much detail and not enough of the main story. You also repeat (and stress) your paragraphs or words. You do not usually need to repeat for your reader. Especially if it is in the next sentence. You could still use everything if you put it as an intro or have it in quotes and italics and have it be the history of the land. Also, get to the story faster! I want to read the story, not some long spill about where they were living was like! A little bit of detail is good, but too much is bad as well. If you would like to see some examples of good descriptive writing, I would suggest reading the something Sword Saint by TheEccentricScribe. They are well done and may give you an idea on how to write descriptive, yet while still holding your reader's intrest! The latter part is extremely important! You never want to loose your audience! Ever! So...keep up the good work! Writergirl

"their singing a sound that answers the silent crying of the lost, and provide a tomb for the homeless; were they can Rest In Peace."
I don't like the phrase "singing a sound" and this sentence is way too long.


the singing asound refers to music and how it inspires the people who are dead from inside to feel alive. the black parade are rock bands who sing lyrics which people can understand. the black parade is obviosely played by My chemical romance but to me its also other bands, so it depends on the readers personal interpretation of who they see as their saviours.
anyway thanks for the well planned review, ill take it into consideration. But you see i just post it on the net so i could work on it from home and at college! so i already knew it needed some well alot of work. but tanks again for your suggestions