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The Queens Family



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Wed Jan 10, 2007 2:31 pm
Esmé says...



18th Watershone,
38th year of the Phoenix
Time present


As soon as she appeared from the Forest into the Smaller Audience Chamber, where only her maids under the command of Verany awaited her, Lillith was without ceremony shepherded into her Wardrobe Room. There, under Vera’s soothing hands and her reassuring smile, Lillith calmed down once more, the stamina the flushed in her veins steadily cooling down. What would she do without Vera?

Now, undressed, in a plain nightgown, thumbing her rings, Lillith sat on her large, crimson-covered, just like everything in her room bed, a highly undignified position for a Queen, albeit there was no one too see her. –Except Vera, who without ceremony spread herself on opposite side, looking at her young mistress with unhidden interest.

Verany, as most elves, was tall and slender. A storm of auburn curls covered an olive face that could certainly be called attractive. Sharp features gave her an air of mysteriousness, while smiles tucked into the corners of her lips showed her good nature.

Vera was more of a companion than maid, an adviser and friend at the same time. Lillith had no idea why Larrisaeth let her stay with her for longer than two moths in the first place, though she supposed that her loving governess wanted a spy on her. –But that didn’t matter, at least it did not used to matter; as along as, even if under illusion, Vera could be called a friend, everything had been all right.

Looking into Vera’s large, almond shaped eyes, which seemed to portray innocence, Lillith suppressed a sigh. No, things would have to change. For the right amount of money, Verany would sell any scrap of information to anyone.

-So, what’s the Ruthon Ceremony about? Is it really as horrible as they say?- Vera asked once they had settled comfortably. –Because to tell you the truth, you don’t look any more different that you looked two days ago. –But what can I say? You always had that extraordinary talent of hiding everything you feel. Gods now I can¹t do that. Everything just pops out right in my expression!- she laughed her silvery laugh.

-Not true, mused Lillith. You can lie to me squarely in the face, without so much as a twitch.

Einellith leaned against the blood-red draped wall, thinking about what to answer. –Well, it can certainly give you the creeps…- she said lightly. Lillith did not know why the rulers did not talk about it, but she supposed that they had their reasons which she was not about to question. –But the rest was… indescribable.-

-What diplomatic skills!- Vera smirked, -Remind me to never under any circumstances let you stay one on one with a foreign envoy. You have every means to start a war! Torrin gave me a glance at the Crown.- Vera suddenly changed the topic, ignoring Lillith’s raised eyebrow, who tried to match someone with the name Torrin, the person who would soon loose his post. The Treasury, where the Crown received from the forest landed, was not for public view. –You have no idea what a sum I had to spend on bribes. And I really don’t see anything special about it. Shiny and sparkly, but nothing more. All Royals are absolutely crazy on rubies, though I personally don’t see anything special about them. Sapphires are much better.- she extended a blue-nailed hand, with golden loops of rings on every finger, two of them with real sapphires.

-I like rubies, - said Lillith, not bothering to extend the simple sentence. Rubies where or centuries connected with the Royal Family, though not many knew why. –And the young Queen was certainly not going to enlarge the small list by telling the story to her gossipy maidservant.

-Oh, all right, I get the point. You’re changing the topic.- Vera smiled sweetly, though her eyes remained icy cold. How could anyone believe in her sincerity, wondered Lillith. –Don’t be so gloomy! Do you know how many people would kill to be in your- She stopped, seeing the sudden blankness in Einellith’s expressions. –No, no, no! Stop it, - she said firmly. –We talked about this before. You did not do anything but send her own present back to her, you understand? The fact that she was dim-witted and arrogant enough to drink from it is not your fault. Your conscience is as clear as mine!-

Then I wonder how many spiders weaved their web in that so-called conscience.


Lillith smiled forcedly. –Yes, of course. Lets us leave the topic, all right? I really don’t want to have nightmares. –And people wouldn’t say such thing as wanting to be rulers if they knew with how many responsibilities it is connected with.

Vera waved her hand, unmoved.

-You’re Queen. Tell someone to do it for you.- the woman shrugged her soldiers under Einellith’s amused gaze. Yes, tell someone else to do it and automatically give those power-obsessed scoundrels what they wanted in the first place. –Hey, I’m just being practical, - said Verany.
-What hour is it?-

Vera peered at the hourglass placed near the bed.
-Twelve. Better go to sleep if you don’t want to be found slumbering on the Throne!-

Lillith yawned, suddenly feeling very sleepy.

-I think I’ll follow your suggestions. Wake me up after dawn, will you? I have to get ready for that pack of wolves, - she shivered, thinking of her nobles. Though technically they had no say as to her Coronation, it would be a bit awkward if on a public ceremony, with all those envoys, someone suddenly called veto. This would also be the first time when she would face the whole cluster of them, not just the feebly-hanging on ones; she would meet those, who where sure enough of their position not to come begging to her doorstep.

As soon as Vera, in more of a dance than a walk, stepped outside her chambers, Lillith closed her eyes and was asleep even before her head touched the pillows.




I think I'm going to post the whole thing in three parts, because it is a bit long (the whole coronation, that is). I know that this scene is kind of useless, so I may cut it out later.
Last edited by Esmé on Thu Jan 11, 2007 12:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Wed Jan 10, 2007 5:38 pm
Lilyy03 says...



I think you've done a really good job with portraying the different characters with different attitudes. This was enjoyable to read. :)

As soon as she appeared from the Forest into the Smaller Audience Chamber, where only her maids under the command of Verany awaited her, Lillith was without ceremony shepherded into her Wardrobe Room, where under Vera’s soothing hands and her reassuring smile, Lillith calmed down once more, the stamina the flushed in her veins stamina steadily cooling down.

This sentence, as quite a few others in this story, is rather long, but most of it does make sense so I don't want to tell you to change it. Although "the stamina the flushed in her veins stamina steadily cooling down" is rather confusing. I think you only meant to say "stamina" once?

Verany, as most elves, was tall and slender. A storm of auburn curls covered an olive face that could certainly be called attractive. Sharp features gave her an air of mysteriousness, while smiles tucked into the corners of her lips showed her good nature.

I liked this description a lot! The "tall and slender" seemed to set up for a description of a typical LOTR-ish elf, but the storm of curls and the olive face made it unique. Good job. :D

which banged about with innocence

Hmm, I'm not sure what "banged about" meant?

thought Lillith thoughtfully

Thinking thoughtfully is a bit redundant. And with the word "Lillith" in there as well, it seems like a few too many "th"s, lol.

–And the young Queen was certainly not going to enlarge the small list by telling the story to her gossipy maidservant.

Your use of dashes is a bit confusing... It looked like you used them instead of speech marks, but I'm guessing this sentence isn't spoken? I'd suggest maybe using regular speech marks when a character is talking....
  





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Wed Jan 10, 2007 5:51 pm
Swires says...



You have a few long, run on sentences. The first paragraph is an example of where you write without a "." (Full stop/Period).

Consider reading through and simplifying the sentences so they don't have too many commas as some part will be hard to read for some people.

I dont like the concept of Elves, they have been done to death and they are a Tolkien thing. A tad cliche to have them like the "fair folk".
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
  





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Thu Jan 11, 2007 12:16 pm
Esmé says...



Okay, I corrected all the mistakes that have been pointed out and more (LoL)

To Lilyy03: I know it can be a bit confusing, but in Poland we us the ‘-’ sign instead of ‘”’. I know that since I’m on an English site I should use “ but I just got used to ‘-’

To Phorcys: I like elves. And I like Tolkien.
When you consider it, everything is a tad bit cliché, isn’t it? Everything has been written about tons of times. E.g. if I wrote about a dragon, the immediate first though would be ‘Eragon’ (Which I personally think is not a good book). It would be cliché too, wouldn’t it, now? If I wrote about a vampire, would I be writing something cliché?

Again, thanks for the reviews!

-elein
  





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Thu Jan 11, 2007 5:06 pm
Lilyy03 says...



Oh ok, got it. :D
  








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