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Poorly Kept Girl



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Fri Dec 22, 2006 3:06 pm
Myth says...



Dedicated to Wigs, thanks for always uplifting my spirits.

The Poorly Kept Girl

There was news of a freak down at the waterfront under Lebrent Bridge. For weeks people flocked from all over the city to peer down at the dark corner, it would have helped had there not been many pipelines running from one wall to the next, or if the bubble of light was burst open to reveal the creature within.

It had fallen from the sky, some said, like a falcon stooping to catch prey. On the first day it had crawled around on its hands and knees, squinting up at the first visitors—street urchins. The children pelted it with stones and were astonished to see the creature gather them up into a pile. A grey tattered cloth was pinned to its back and sometimes the cloth would shift, flap for a moment though there was no wind, no breeze to set it fluttering.

By the time a large crowd had congregated on the bridge, the creature had assembled heaps of stones and set them into a circle, it would sit in the middle with the grey cloak wrapped around it and rub its arms to keep warm.

“It feels the cold. Maybe It’s hungry, papa,” a little girl pointed out to her father.

It was then that someone—perhaps hearing the girl’s words—hurled a leg of lamb (apparently out of nowhere) at the creature and the crowd was thrilled to see it scrutinise the meat, sniffing and licking it like a dog. This act was followed by many others throwing food down at the creature, small children pleaded their parents to join but were hushed or smacked when they began shrieking, others—mainly the poor—felt ashamed at the display because they had suffered the same consequences previously.

One day it began to sing, a low murmur but the people were sure they could hear the pitch rise, all the same it was pleasing to listen to. It made some cry, they could not explain why, they said it reminded them of home, of their past and others said it was a merry tune, much like a song they knew but they could not say which song it was.

It had then got up, on unsteady legs, and took the first steps towards the bank. Mothers sighed in relief, they felt It was their child learning to walk and some screamed when the creature staggered and fell into the river. A young boy threw a stone at the creature’s head and It began to cry, a long and mournful howl like a lone wolf.

“Look here, you’ve gone and got It’s dander up!” An old man shouted and boxed the boy’s ears.

The crowd soon departed, each complaining of a headache from the creature’s persistent wailing.

When they came back the next day they found a shining orb, hovering over the black water. Sometimes it rose, just a few metres above the river but then it would crack and fizz, and slowly sink to bob on the water. Pebbles and food rebounded from the orb to the crowds’ surprise. As nothing else happened, the people soon lost interest and then none came all together, apparently a circus in town had trolls.

.:

On the night that marked the creature’s first anniversary in Lebrent, Astrath decided to pay It a visit. He was not alone on the bridge, two older boys were laughing and talking about a certain girl they had their eye on.

“Her lips – her lips are like – juicy apples.”

One was obviously drunk and Astrath could smell him from the other side of the bridge, or maybe it was the stench of the river or worse, the decaying food that had long ago entertained the creature. Light was surfacing from below. Astrath walked to the middle of the bridge, not too close to the two boys, and leaned against the balustrade where he could see the creature’s orb.

“No. Her lips are like – plums.” The boy snorted.

“Has anything happened?” Astrath asked the sober one.

“Nope.”

The drunk came to stand between them, closing the gap by putting his arms around his friend and Astrath. “I heard – that men died – what smelt It’s breath – and one bled to death.”

His friend ignored him and pulled the boy away. “He’s not usually like this.”

Astrath did not care. He looked down at the orb lapping in the dirty water. The creature had been inside it for months without food, without anything. How could it survive with no food for a whole year? Surely all living things needed to eat?

“Mates – I’m a-going to visit – It.” The drunk announced and climbed onto the balustrade.

“Don’t be a fool, Ran!”

“Who’s the fool?” The one called Ran replied. “Me or you – or him?”

His friend looked at Astrath, his worried face appealing for assistance. “Now, Ran, enough of your nonsense. What would Glory say if she saw you right now, eh?”

This seemed to make Ran think and he sat down on the balustrade. “Better not, might die – like them who smelt It.”

The two boys soon made off down the bridge, walking side by side and Ran was supported by his friend. Astrath was left alone, wondering what the creature was doing. Maybe It could see him from inside the sphere. He waved, just in case It could.

He had been one of the first to spot the creature by the riverside, he had watched it crawl around, its bald head smooth and light delineated it as if it was an angel or celestial being.

“Hello? Can you hear me?” Astrath asked. He felt like an idiot and frowned at his absurdity into believing the creature could understand or even reply.

A hollow ring emanated from below, it was a mixture between a sonorous voice and a soft chime and it seemed to revolve around him, he could almost imagine silver notes, dancing and twirling in the air. The sound intensified. He could no longer hear the call of nightbirds or hoot-hoots, the ring conquered the atmosphere and called for Astrath, inviting him down to the waterfront.

Without thinking Astrath found himself climbing over the balustrade side, grabbing hold of the pipelines and guiding himself down to the wet ground. He worked quickly, the ring encouraging him, the pace quickening as he slid down a long pole and finally cutting short when Astrath jumped, landing on all fours like a cat.

He laughed, not really knowing why. He rubbed his hands on his trousers and casually walked to the bank, and gazed into the orb of light, silver dust twinkled like stars and it took his breath away. It was so beautiful.

For how long he stood there, watching and waiting, Astrath did not know. All he wanted was for an opening, something to split and expose to creature. Maybe It had died, of grieve or starvation. What would happen then? Would it stay inside forever?

Another note tinkled from the globe. The light appeared to brighten. The orb gyrated slowly, but then spun faster and faster until Astrath could feel the cold wind it fashioned slapping against his face, and whipped at his long hair. He stepped backwards, crushing stones underfoot.

Just as suddenly as it had started, the orb came to a halt. There was a sound, Astrath thought the closest noise to it was gurgling, and the orb split in the middle, like curtains opening at the theatre. The light dimmed. Inside the orb sat a girl, her long hair in hundreds of braids, her mouth slightly set apart, and a long scar ran from her left eye—in an arc—down to her jaw and her features were dirty. She was so perfectly still that Astrath thought he was imaging her, that he was sleeping on someone’s step after being beaten for stealing—he had been caught more than once that day.

He came to realise she was quite ugly, the scar hideous and each notch across it was deep and red, almost purple. The sight of her disgusted him. The creature had changed, it had grown hair that fell to its shoulders and wore a simple white dress.

“Am I back?” She asked, her voice plain and not possessing the bell-like tone Astrath had expected.

“Yes,” he said.

She was startled. The orb spun again, rising to survey the waterfront and bridge, and came back down at the bank. The girl blinked, her thick brow knitted and spoke again,

“Why did you lie? This isn’t home.”

Astrath shrugged. “I supposed you meant out of the orb, you know, no one’s seen you since you went in.”

This seemed to surprise the girl, she put a finger to her lip, eyes lowered and lost in thought. “Then why did you call me?”

“I didn’t. You called me, there was a ring and it – it told me to come down,”

“How – strange.”

“Are you all right, you don’t look very well.”

This was true enough, the girl was slow in replying and she curled up, holding her stomach as if in pain. She began to cry, the same howl that had caused the people to pity the creature, her wail rang throughout the city and disturbed sleeping babies and triggered dogs to bark.

“You stop that, stop it right now!”

She did so. Her eyes, when she looked at him, were red-rimmed and her face was dirtier than before. “I’m hungry.”

“I’ll get you some food then.” Astrath looked around him. The only food was the pile of mouldy pastries, bread and fruit from long ago, in the creature’s early days. “I’ll find something.”

“Only fruit,” she said.

“Fine.” He was about to leave her when she cried out.

“Where are you going?”

“To get you something to eat,”

She gasped, holding a hand before her mouth. “Can’t you make it happen? Don’t you know how to do it?”

The girl was confusing him. He had no idea what she meant and asked her.

“At home we can make whatever we want appear in our hand. Look,” she held out a palm. A small bubble of light materialised out of thin air, it cracked and popped and went out. “It doesn’t work,” she said, dismayed after her third attempt.

“Its all right, I’ll steal some for you. Only, you’ll have to wait until tomorrow, see, the stalls aren’t open now.”

She seemed to understand and closed the tear of her orb. Astrath was left standing, perplexed by the latest events. Should he tell someone? No, it was best to keep the girl a secret, a secret that only he knew about.

.:

It was three nights later when Astrath detected another change in the girl. Her hair had been silver and shiny like gossamer, now it was dark blue, almost black and her face was no longer dirty. He did not even take notice of the scar, and realised she reminded him of ancient queens he had seen in pictures—dark skinned with eyes outlined in kohl, and cones of wax dripping down their silky black hair. Ancient Egyptians, they were called. But the girl said she was not of that race or time.

“I belong to the aether.” She would say and her grey cloak would flap pathetically.

The girl only accepted fruit and water. It was easy for Astrath to run past stalls, grabbing anything his hand found out and dodging the police stationed at each end of the long lane. He found it uplifting, the air he drank with ecstasy, and his feet barely touched the ground and the burning sensation in his legs only made him aware of his haste.

He told nothing about his skill to the girl, she found his words strange and once vomited, not knowing what it was or why she had done it.

“It’s the excitement, you’ve never felt that before. I guess it got a little too much for you.”

On the fifth night he found her crying, something she had not done in the past few days. Astrath only saw her at night, during the day he gathered food for himself and the girl—he no longer thought of her as a creature or It.

“My heart hurts, I don’t know why that is. I have never felt this before.”

“Well, what do you think of, in your head, I mean.”

The girl considered for a while and Astrath munched on an apple. “Home,” she said at last.

Astrath shrugged. “I don’t know what that is, you could be ill. Where do you live?”

“I belong to the aether.” She said, the only answer she could think of whenever Astrath asked her about home.

“What’s that?”

“The air all around us. We have watched you all your lives, boys like you get chased by strange men in black and the girls sit at home, bored because they’re not free. Do you how sad they feel?”

He shook his head. “Why don’t you go back?”

The girl shrugged. One leg dangled outside of her orb, dipping in the cold water and sending silver circles dancing across the surface. “My wings have broken.”

She turned around and showed him the grey cloak. Only now he realised it was not a tattered piece of cloth, just as the girl was changing, her other features were too. He saw that two large wings jutted out of her back, large and glossy with black or green streaks and, as Astrath stroked them, he could feel the feathers warmth.

“You are an angel!” He said. “And you can fly, these aren’t broken, you’re healing them with fruit!”

His words delighted her and flapped the wings testily, bring up a light breeze. “Please, I want to try flying, you’ll have to move away.”

As soon as he did so, the girl opened out the grey wings and shook them. She beat the wings, using the air around her, and stood on her feet, the harder she flapped the more the wind lifted her up and soon the girl left the orb.

“She – really – can do it!”

Strong currents of air blew in Astrath’s face and he ducked as the girl swooped over his head. Her laughter filled the air, the aether, and all her feebleness withered away to be replaced by the light that had once surrounded her angelic figure.

At last the girl came down beside him. She was beaming, her smile stretching across her face and her cheeks glowing. The dark hair seemed to be ablaze with a blue fire. Astrath thought she looked young, possibly eleven or twelve, but he was not so sure, she could be an immortal soul in a child guise.

“Do you want to come with me?” she asked. “You can ride my orb, it’ll follow me home.”

Astrath spluttered the words out before he could stop himself. “Yes, I want to see the aether!”

She closed the orb around him like a large coat. The light was much too bright to see through but he heard her voice, her singing and the chime of music lulled him to sleep.

“Now you’ll belong to the aether.”



.: ₪ :.

Nightbird = Nightingale
Hoot-Hoot = Owl
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  





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Fri Dec 22, 2006 4:12 pm
Swires says...



A young boy threw a stone at the creature’s head and It began to cry, a long and mournful howl like a lone wolf.


Can something cry a howl? It doesn't seem to make sense.

“Her lips – her lips are like – juicy apples.”

One was obviously drunk and Astrath could smell him from the other side of the bridge, or maybe it was the stench of the river or worse, the decaying food that had long ago entertained the creature. Light was surfacing from below. Astrath walked to the middle of the bridge, not too close to the two boys, and leaned against the balustrade where he could see the creature’s orb.

“No. Her lips are like – plums.” The boy snorted.



I find this an odd comparison to make to lips. How can they resemble apples or plums? It just seems a little odd.



imaging


typo: imagining

Ok, I was reading through this and I really really enjoyed it. I liked the concept of a creature landing in an urban world however you do not seem to describe the angel before it goes inside the orb.

You also say it is three nights since Astrath met her, three nights is a little bit of a cliche - just make it something else like 2 or 4 nights.

I was slightly dissapointed when I found out it was an angel - I dont know why but I was expecting something a little more sinister.

Also, there doesnt seem to be an external conflict apparant in this scene. WHats the problem, conflict of the story?

I loved the style of the piece, the voice was flowing and I could read it without stopping. I enjoy your style of writing anyway myth.

Ok, character wise - We dont know alot about the MC, who is Astrath? What are his motives for wanting to go with the angel. You dont seem to get deep enough into his character to understand his thoughts and desires with the angel, or any internal conflict he has.


So Points to consider:

:arrow: Conflict.
:arrow: description of the creature before it went into the orb, or make it more clear that it has always been a girl.
:arrow: Astrath's character

Overall a nice piece which I enjoyed reading which I read all the way through, something I rarely do. As I mentioned earlier I liked the writing style of the piece and the original concept.

Regards.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
  





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Sat Dec 30, 2006 12:17 am
Sam says...



Heya, Myth!

I've got to say, I loved this story- your voice, although very steadfast and unchanging, has got a rhythm and a beauty to it that keeps everything going smoothly throughout the piece.

One problem- it's good in the middle and end, but...truth be told, I slept through the beginning.

Why? It didn't seem to have any relevance- we're waiting to the reference to the 'poorly kept girl' or some sort of foreshadowing to her flight, but no clues come of it besides a bruise from a leg of lamb being chucked at her.

And this is obviously a pretty important object, since everyone has stopped to stare, but please...don't make it into one of those 'cruel public mockery' things. You've done a pretty good job so far of not making everyone else the enemy, but want to know how you could make it better?

You've got the little girl, and her father- they're obviously important characters, at least in this section. Someone (other than the person who said something about dander, which just gave me an image of the thing shaking its head and having little white flakes fly everywhere) needs to have a Eureka moment- that is, someone says, "Look! It's a girl!" or something such. Otherwise, there's really no correlation between this beginning part of the story and the rest, other than the setting, which really isn't the focus.

Bring some focus to the foreshadowing- which sounds backwards, but it'll improve the story a ton. Everyone wants to read Myth's lovely, mad stylistic skills...but we don't want to have to wait for it. :wink:

Of course, while I was reading I wasn't ranting about the beginning in my head. I liked a lot of it- especially the unobtrusiveness of the fantasy element. Yeah, it was original, something I don't often say about fantasty. The names were weird and there were orbs, but there were no elves and the voice was purely Myth, not Myth Channeling the Spirit of Tolkein Because She Can't Write Anything Good In Reality.

You a magnificent job on shedding some light onto the fact that all stories are based upon elements from real life- even fantasy.

Good job, Myth! Now, to track down Wigs and have her read this...it's a tribute anyone'd kill for. :D
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Sat Dec 30, 2006 12:28 am
misspriss says...



Wow! Way to go!
  





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Sat Dec 30, 2006 11:04 am
Swires says...



misspriss wrote:Wow! Way to go!


And that helps in what way? Please think about your reviews before you post them. :x
Previously known as "Phorcys"
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Sat Dec 30, 2006 2:12 pm
Sureal says...



Hello Myth :).

‘There was news of a freak down at the waterfront under Lebrent Bridge.’

- I love this opening line. It really caught my attention.


‘Maybe It had died, of grieve or starvation. What would happen then? Would it stay inside forever?’

- ‘grieve’ = ‘grief’.

- You’ve been capitalising ‘it’ all the way through, so I assume the second one in this sentence should be too?


‘Do you how sad they feel?”’

- Missing a word (such as ‘know’).


The girl - the angel - remained and interesting character throughout, but Astrath didn't really interest me that much. Whereas the angel had the mystery hanging around her to keep her an interessting character, Astrath didn't have much.

But on the plus side, your writing style is as good as ever. The plot, flow, description, dialogue and imagery are all well done and make for an enjoyable read :).
I wrote the above just for you.
  





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Sat Dec 30, 2006 7:49 pm
Lilyy03 says...



Great story :)

Maybe It had died, of grieve or starvation.

I think it should be grief, not grieve?

The only other suggestion I have that maybe some more description of the angel before it goes into the orb would be good.
  





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Thu Jan 04, 2007 11:46 am
Myth says...



Thanks for all your catches all, I'll edit as soon as I've completed my revision.

Adam: Ran was drunk so I suppose it doesn't really matter what he said because it wasn't meant to make any sense, see? But I'll have a think over it. The girl isn't an angel, she just happens to have wings and lives in the clouds. I guess a little more effort is needed for Astrath.

Sam: I'm going to have to write more stories to keep you busy XD Beginnings are always hard for me,but with the above comments I have a way of making the three parts connect and thanks for the idea of using the girl and her father as characters to develope.

The names were weird and there were orbs, but there were no elves and the voice was purely Myth, not Myth Channeling the Spirit of Tolkein Because She Can't Write Anything Good In Reality.


Wow, I really didn't expect that :D

MissPriss: It'll help if you gave me an idea on what you liked about it and any suggestions.

Sureal: I also love that sentence, hopefully I build up the beginning so I'll learn to love all my sentences. You're right about capitalising It all the way through.

Lily: Thanks for the suggestion, like Adam, I'll do better this time.
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  








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