Young Writers Society

Jimmy, a country boy lived with his grandma. Jimmy was only nine and had already seen or known the world a lot, though he never understood his Grandma much. Jimmy thought it would always remain a mystery for him why grandma was always worried about him. Jimmy was unaware of the fact that for Grandma he is everything in this world.


Jimmy did not go to school, the tiny bit of education he used to have was from his Grandpa, who passed away six months ago. Jimmy missed him a lot. Without Grandpa Jimmy felt as alone as Crusoe. As the Halloween day approached memories of Grandpa ate Jimmy up. On Halloween day they together did loads of stuff, which Jimmy could not have done alone. Grandma used to tell him that Grandpa has traveled to the world of aliens, to get an alien for Jimmy. And hearing this Jimmy used to cheer up.


It was midnight when Jimmy lay on his bed staring at the stars, through the window. When suddenly Whoosh! went something dazzling through the sky. Jimmy startled up at the thought, “was that a UFO??”And then thinking for a while he concluded it to be a falling star, and thought, “I am too big to believe that there are UFO’s”. Jimmy then quickly made a wish.


The next day (which was the Halloween day), Jimmy had spent the whole day lazily. He didn’t want to celebrate Halloween. At night when the party was almost over, Jimmy went to the party to be with his friends, but he was too late. They all had gone. Jimmy stood alone in the party venue. The decorations were still there and the music was still on. He sighed and turned back to get back home. As he stepped ahead, suddenly there was such a vibration on the earth that he fell down on his knees. He got scared and there was such a shrill noise that he had to close his eyes and cup his ears. After minute’s of chaos everything cooled down. Jimmy slowly peeped from behind his hand and what did he see! A spaceship infront of him. The door opened and there was an alien standing there. But to Jimmy’s shock the alien came out, it was a “Halloween Man” .He thought ‘A Halloween Man in a spaceship, is that a joke!’


The Halloween Man said, ”Hello Jimmy!” Jimmy was spellbound, he knew that voice, it was the voice he missed so much. Jimmy yelled, “Grandpa!” He quickly ran and hugged him. He couldn’t believe that his wish was granted’ (remember the wish he made last night thinking the dazzling thing to be a UFO). Jimmy exclaimed, “Wow!!Got my Grandpa and a Halloween Man together, what a lovely Halloween you made it Grandpa!” On their way back home Jimmy asked Grandpa, “Was that your spaceship last I saw last night? And Grandpa smiled at him.


At late night Jimmy had a party with his loving family, but Grandpa had to get back. Grandpa promised to meet Jimmy every Halloween. Jimmy did not feel lonely or sad anymore, as he knew he had his ever-loving Grandpa with him, and ofcourse Grandpa was always there in their heart. Grandpa’s spaceship vanished and became a dazzling star in the sky.

~Sayani.

(NOTE: Halloween man is mere created character in this story. It is a man with a pumpkin head.)

Hello ^_^.


‘Jimmy, a country boy lived with his grandma. Jimmy was only nine and had already seen or known the world a lot, though he never understood his Grandma much.’

- At the beginning, you want to off-set ‘a country boy’ from ‘live with his grandma.’ You could either do this with another comma after ‘boy’ (‘Jimmy, a country boy, lived with his grandma’) or else have dashes to separate it (‘Jimmy - a country boy - live with his grandma.’). Why? Because the fact that he’s a country boy is a different subject to him living with his gran .
- The second sentence starts with ‘Jimmy’ - you don’t need this . You could just have ‘he’, and it would work better (you’ve already used ‘Jimmy’ recently, so you’ll want to vary your words to keep your prose form coming redundant). ‘He was only nine and…’ Keep this in mind throughout the story - you don’t want your story to become stale, do you ?
- ‘though’ would work better as ‘although’.


‘As the Halloween day approached memories of Grandpa ate Jimmy up. On Halloween day they together did loads of stuff,’

- Here’s another example of words becoming redundant - you used ‘Halloween day’ twice, close together.
- There are other points in the story where you’ve repeated words like this, but I won’t point them all out (although I’ll be happy to if you wish) - see if you can find and fix them yourself .


‘Grandma used to tell him that Grandpa has traveled to the world of aliens,’

- ‘has’ = ‘had’. The rest of this is in the past tense, so you’ll want to keep it that way.


‘Jimmy then quickly made a wish.’

- ‘then’ is not needed here. Usually, words like that don’t really help the story along (we already know it’s happening next), and only weakens the story.


‘He didn’t want to celebrate Halloween. At night when the party was almost over, Jimmy went to the party to be with his friends, but he was too late.’

- Why did Jimmy suddenly change his mind? You should tell us these things - the reader wants to understand why your characters do the things they do .


‘As he stepped ahead, suddenly there was such a vibration on the earth that he fell down on his knees.’

- This would read better if you removed ‘as he stepped ahead’ and ‘suddenly’ and replace them with something else.
- Something like, ‘He took his first step to return home. Before his foot touched down on the ground, the Earth began to vibrate - so much so, that he fell to his knees.’ Of course, that is just an example - you could write whatever you like (I think I may have changed your text a bit too much there - I pretty much rewrote the sentence in my own style, which I shouldn’t have done…). At any rate, play around with the sentence and see what you come up with.


‘(remember the wish he made last night thinking the dazzling thing to be a UFO).’

- This part isn’t really needed. This is a short story, so I doubt the reader will have forgotten that point.


‘“Was that your spaceship last I saw last night?” And Grandpa smiled at him.’

- You missed out the closing speech marks (I’ve put them in and bolded them).


‘(NOTE: Halloween man is mere created character in this story. It is a man with a pumpkin head.)’

- Don’t tell us after the story - describe his appearance to the reader during the story.



This was a heart-warming story ^_^.

On the writing style side, I’d say your two main weaknesses are:
- repeating words too much, too close together.
- Telling instead of showing (see http://www.sfwriter.com/ow04.htm on showing).

Keep on writing .

Rated G.

Sureal:Thanks for the review and pointing out the mistakes.

I found this boring. THere was little imagery and basic statements, there was little characterisation or world building either. The whole thing went to quickly and the conflict drive was non-existent.

Show not tell. As surreal explained.

I get the sentiment and it's sweet but in order to really push the emotion and give it power ther are a few things i would suggest doing. Firstly read it outloud to yourself. Some of these parts didn't flow well at all and reading it outloud will help you find them. Then try to find nice subtle ways of describing the world and the characters. the spaceship needs to be described the way you see it.

It is a nice story but you just sort of threw the reader into it without any knowledge of where we are oir who these people are. How did we go to the party? That really confused me cause i thought the party was in his house and then you said he turned to go home. There was little to no transition whch caused confusion. All this story needs is a little expanding and work.

It is very nice and sweet but it could be powerful. Draw a tear to your eye powerful.

Hope this was helpful.

Critted for the Cabassi

Thanks Adam!

That was really helpful,I'll try to redo it.
And yeah I got it were exactly the problem is.