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Young Writers Society


The Prophesied



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Fri May 19, 2006 8:10 pm
~Megan~ says...



Okay this is a short story I'm writing for school. I need some critiquing done and I just want to hear what people think of my story. Sorry about the star thingy's not centering thats just the way they copyed and I'm to lazy to fix them. :roll:



The young man looked warily over his shoulder and to his dismay saw the dark shadow still following him. Scowling he kicked his horse to greater speeds. He wanted to get to the forest and its relative safety before nightfall, and out of the sight of the great black raven that was following him. He was positive that it was spelled by a mage. He didn’t know who the mage could work for; most likely a powerful noble of the kingdom. He had no idea whatsoever as of why some important person would want to spy on him. He was nothing more than trash from the lowest slums of the city. He wouldn’t even be able to get a job shining their shoes if he wanted to. He was fleeing the city because he was now wanted by the militia that worked for the emperor. Again he scowled at the thought of them. The men who worked in the militia were just power hungry trash who had no way of getting other than working as the emperor’s dogs. Seething with anger he thought of his older brother. Callum his older brother was a controlling power hungry person. He had joined the militia to try and gain more power, and to bully other commoners like himself. Callum had beaten him often since he was much older, and he remebered Callum's last words to him. "Tam you'll amount to even less then you already are!"
Shaking his head Tam tried to clear thoughts of his brother from his mind. Instead he slipped back into his memory of his last night in the city.
His favorite inn, the Dancing Cats was full, and rowdy that night. Just the way Tam liked it the best. Tam had been drinking the ale like a fish, and was extremely drunk. While he was aimlessly flirting with one of the barmaids some of his boyhood enemies had sauntered up to the bar. One of them had shoved Tam in the shoulder. Tam wasn't sure what his name was, but he had been thouroughly angry about being shoved.
"What d'ya think you're doing!" Tam had snarled at him, "if you shove me again I'll stick a knife between your ribs."
"Oh ho" he had replied just as drunk as Tam, "this bastard thinks he can fight me lads!" The man's companions had surrounded Tam, and the barmaid had long since fled the presence of the drunk and angry men. Tam still surprising retaining some of his wits despite his drunkeness realized that his odds weren't good and he would most definetly be killed if got caught up in a fight. His best option was to leave, and hope that they didn't decide to attack him out on the street. Tam had started to shove his way through the teeming crowd when the man had grabbed his arm and pulled him back.
"I want to know" the man growled malicously "if you think you can fight me."
"Lay your hands on me again and I swear I will kill you" Tam had whispered whipping out his lethally sharp dagger and pressing it against the man's chest. The man immediatly let go fearfully and stepped back.
"So you'll pull a knife on me you dirty sneak" he had shouted. Tam couldn't remember what exactly the man had said after that but it had enraged him. He quickly put the dagger to the man's throat and sliced his jugular. People had started screaming as the blood spurted spattering everything, and one of the man's cronies tried to punch Tam in the face. Tam stuck the dagger in his stomach only injuring him. The bartender had then jumped in and had tryed to stop Tam, but Tam had lost all control and had stabbed him twice. After that all Tam could remember was getting out of the inn crashing into the stable stabbing one of the hostlers, and grabbing the best horse that he could see. After that all he could remember was galloping crazily through the dark, and ending up where he was now.
When he scanned the rode ahead of him he saw to his delight a sign for the next village. Kicking his horse into a trot he daydreamed of good food and comfy feather beds.

*************

As Tam rode into the village square he saw a large gathering of people jeering and shouting. Not really caring what was going on he continued around the edge of the group on his way to find an inn with proper food and beds. While he was riding around he heard the Master of the town's booming voice over the melee.
"Today we are gathered to help exterminate the world of evil!" This was greeted by loud shouts of approval. Smiling, the Master raised his hand for silence.
"We have found a witch in our presence! Today she shall burn and we will rid our humble village of this abomination!" The people started to stamp their feet and roar in approval, but when the drug out the witch the roars of approval turned to jeers of hatred. The girl was screaming, kicking, biting scratching, clawing doing anything to try and escape.
it wasn't surprising that she couldn't get loose Tam though, because she was so small and delicate looking. The most striking thing about her was her flaming red hair, and bright green eyes. Tam felt a strange sympathy for her that he had never felt for anyone or anything before. Feeling angry at himself he nudged his horse with his heels and continued on at a slow plodding walk. When the crowd started throwing rotten food at her he stopped in anger and hopped off of his horse. Ready to run into the crowd and stop the people single handly he stopped and pulled a bow and quiver of arrows out of his saddlebags, a plan already forming in his head.
As he strung three arrows into his bow he sent them skyward over the crowd. Without waiting to see if those arrows found targets he already had another one strung and was aiming at the Master. He was shooting just above the knee not wanting to kill. He guessed that the people would want to get teh Master mended, and would reschedule the execution until the Master was in good health again. As the arrows plummeted back earthwards the people victim of the fatal missles screamed in pain. The crowd panicked and tried to find the source of the arrows which wouldn't happen because Tam had already hidden his bow back in his saddlebags. Waiting only a moment to hear the Master's agonized scream he pulled up the hood on his cloak and slipped into the crowd. Making sure his two daggers were loose in their sheaths at his waist he dodged the people at a run and made it to the stake where the girl was tied in no time at all. Ducking behind the stake out of the majority of the people's sight he quickly cut through the bonds on the girl's wrists and ankles. Pulling her down by the hand he quickly threw an old travelling cloak at her.
"Put this on and cover as much of your hair and face as possible, and follow me as quickly as possible." She nodded and did as he told her. Tam set off at a run back through the turnmoil of the crowd back to his horse with the girl close on his heels. When they got to his horse he swiftly lifted her onto the horse. He was surprised at how light she was. Swinging up behind her he spurred his horse into a gallop. Nobody tried to stop them. Everybody they passed by just jumped out of their way to avoid being trampled by the horse's pounding hooves. In no time at all they were out of village. Tam didn't slow down though becaus he was sure that they would be followed. Tam kept up the grueling pace until nightfall when he finally slowed the sweat soaked horse to a walk. After about another hour of slow walking Tam found a campsite off to the side of the road. Dismounting he led the horse with the girl still on board farther into the shadows of the trees out of sight.
"Why did you save me?" The girl asked abrubtly after she dismounted clumsily from the horse.
"Are you hungry?" Tam asked her deliberatly avoiding the question; he didn't know what the answer was which for some reason really irritated him.
"Why did you save me?" The girl asked again this time more forcefully. Tam ignored her as he unsaddled the horse and tied it up where it could reach plenty of fodder. Unbuckling the saddlebags he pulled out a bedroll and a cloak.
"Here" he grunted tossing the bedroll at her, "you sure you're not hungry?"
"Yes I'm starving" the girl snapped "and why won't you answer my question?" Tam ignored her again and pulled out some cold meat and bread. The bread had gone slightly stale he noticed, but it was still edible.
"You'll have to eat it cold because I don't want to risk a fire just in case those crazy people you live with are gonna try and track us down", Tam said as he handed her the meat, "by the way my name is Tam".
"Jade" the girl said as she stuffed the food in her mouth. Tam smiled wryly at her eating habits.
"Didn't they feed you back at that village?"
"No, I haven't eaten in three days." Tam finished his food then handed her some more which she eagerly wolfed down. Tam laid out his bedroll and the girl followed suit. Soon Tam was lying with his eyes closed relaying all that happened today in his mind.
"Please tell me why you saved me" Jade said softly.
"I don't know" Tam said, "I really don't know." Soon afterwards Tam heard the Jade's soft breathing which signalled that she had fallen asleep. Tam laid awake for quite awhile before sleep finally found him.

*************

Sunlight was streaming onto the forest floor in dappled patches when Tam woke up that morning. It was just after daybreak, and the birds and creatures of the forest were scurrying and fluttering about. Remembering his own bird Tam looked skywards; scowling he saw the black speck circling high above him. Disgruntled Tam turned and started to pack up the supplies into the saddlebags as Jade slept on. Glancing at his horse he saw that the beast was caked in dried sweat. After rummaging around in the saddlebags looking for a currycomb he finally found one, and got to work. Half an hour later his horse was gleaming again and looked much happier overall. Feeling pleased he stowed the currycomb, and turned to wake up Jade.
"Jade" he murmered while shaking her gently, "wake up."
"I"m gettin' up" Jade yawned stretching. Sleepily she crawled out of the bedroll and started to roll it up. After she was finished she handed it to Tam who promptly put it away.
"Well we'd better be off" Tam said cheerfully, "I want to get to the next town as soon as possible."
"Aren't we gonna eat?" Jade moaned.
"When we get to the next town." Scowling Jade started walking towards the rode.
"Where are you going?" Tam called after her.
"To find food." Jade said, "I'm hungry."
"No we've gotta get a move on. Unless you want me to leave you behind for those people who attempted to burn you yesterday."
"I'm going to find food" Jade said stubbornly. Shaking his head Tam mounted the horse and set off at a trot after her.
"Don't be thickheaded" Tam said, "you'll get food when we make it to the next town."
"But I'm hungry now!" Jade said.
"I don't care" Tam said thouroughly annoyed "we're leaving now!" Grabbing her from behind he swung her up onto the horse behind him and set off at a slow canter.
"How dare you!" Jade cried, "what if I don't want to go!"
"Well you don't really have a choice in the matter" Tam said matter-of-factly. Muttering angrily under her breath Tam caught the words: pigheaded, rude, and stupid male. Smiling to himself he didn't say anything in reply.
This thing all things devours;
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
Beats high mountain down.
The Hobbit J.R.R Tolkein
  





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Sat May 20, 2006 2:24 am
swim chick says...



That was the worst thing I hyave ever read. I suggest that you never come to this site again.
  





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Sat May 20, 2006 8:53 pm
~Megan~ says...



Okay let me read something better that you wrote, and I've been here a lot longer so why don't you go eat some giant green pencil crayons.
This thing all things devours;
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
Beats high mountain down.
The Hobbit J.R.R Tolkein
  





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Sat May 20, 2006 10:15 pm
Firestarter says...



Calm it, Megan, that member's been banned now anyway. She probably didn't even read what you wrote. Not that it matters much anymore, but still.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Sat May 20, 2006 11:37 pm
~Megan~ says...



Sorry I lost my temper, but I hate it when people say crap like that for no reason and you don't even know who they are or said anything to them.
This thing all things devours;
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
Beats high mountain down.
The Hobbit J.R.R Tolkein
  





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Sun May 21, 2006 12:20 pm
Firestarter says...



I know. Which is why those sort of people get banned :)
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Mon May 22, 2006 5:19 pm
kwincel says...



Megan

Glad to see this guy banned. I agree though, they certainly did not read your story which I rather enjoyed. (I'm as most people like to point out, older. Though I don't feel it.) But I do like books, and reading. And if they are not interesting I leave them quickly. Your story however grabbed my attention, and I read it all. I know it's likely to late, as your assignment was probably already turned in. But I will comment on it anyways. I've just copied to word so I can parse it better, and will post here shortly. I started this group late, and have just begun to venture into other areas.

-cheers
  





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Tue May 23, 2006 12:46 am
~Megan~ says...



No its not too late, we've just started the assignment and I have to the end of June to finish it. I'm no where near finished! I can't wait to hear your critiquing though, and thanks for reading it.
This thing all things devours;
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
Beats high mountain down.
The Hobbit J.R.R Tolkein
  








If I were a girl in a book, this would all be so easy.
— Jo March