Young Writers Society

O.k. I know i need to work on this some more, and I will add more as I go along.


A hush fell over the meadow,as the early mornings mists began to evaporate. The quiet was pierced by a hawks cry. The hawk watched as two cloaked figures appeared from the woods.
"Idiot hawk." a female voice whispered harshly.
Anothers voice, a females also hushed her."It matters not about the hawk Magena! We must reach the town within the hour.'' The hawk watched as the other woman grabbed the one called Magena. The hawk flew off in a panic when the woman's hand was reveled. Unlike most human hands, the nails were lions claws, covered in a blood-hued color. The hands could have belonged to an angel, were it not for the gruesome claws. The women entered the town just as the sun bells were ringing. They entered the magistrate's house. An hour latter they left, carrying a bundle. The clawed woman's claws were redder than before. As the baker placed out his first batch of the day, a maid from the magistrates house ran in pelmel terror down the main road. " The magistrate!,"she screamed,"He and his family are dead!"And with that, she fainted. The townspeople gathered around her. "It must be the Huldae!" terrified whispers echoed that cry. " Huldae,it must be the huldae." Mothers gathered their children close at the mention of the huldae. Later, when the constable examined the house, he found out an important fact. "The magistrates family isn't completely dead,"he announced, "one member is still missing."

This might make a very effective prologue. I was drawn in by the beginning description. But you've got it all massed in one paragraph - even dialogue. It would be much more apt separated.

A hush fell over the meadow, as the early morning's mists began to evaporate. The quiet was pierced by a hawk's cry. The hawk watched as two figures appeared from the woods. "Idiot hawk." a female voice whispered harshly. Another's voice, a female's also hushed her."It matters not about the hawk Magena! We must reach the town within the hour."

Here, I've italicized and added apostophes where needed for possessive. (You notice - female's voice, etc.) But try that all broken up

A hush fell over the meadow, as the early morning's mists began to evaporate. The quiet was pierced by a hawk's cry. The hawk watched as two figures appeared from the woods.

"Idiot hawk." a female voice whispered harshly.

Another's voice, a female's also hushed her."It matters not about the hawk Magena! We must reach the town within the hour."

You see? Much more clear - and the introduction - by voice - of the two characters is now more defined, rather than running in to the description.

The hawk took flight when the woman's hand was reveled.

Typo - revealed.

The hawk watched as the other woman grabbed the one called Magena. The hawk took flight when the woman's hand was reveled. Unlike most human hands, the nails were lions claws,covered in a blood-red color. The hands could have belonged to an angel, were it not for the gruesome claws.

I like the distance the POV of the hawk gives this bit...it's an interesting image at the very least. But it seems to be rushed. What do these women truly look like? Are they cloaked? Do they stumble - or are there more sounds than merely speech that they make? Does that hawk react to them as something bizarre, foreign...or is merely another traveller(s) passing by? You show it a little - the hawk wings away when the hands come out. Again though - with your description at the beginning, I can well imagine something more telling here.

The clawed woman's claws were redder than before. As the baker placed out his first batch of the day, a maid from the magistrate's house ran down the main road.

--Possessive again. And for the remainder of the sentence...don't you think something stronger than ran for the maid? Perhaps she dashed - came flying down the main road. ^_^ Probably rather flustered.

"The magistrate!," she screamed,"He and his family are dead!" And with that, she fainted. The townspeople gathered around her.

No comma after the exclamation mark - make sure to space between quotations and the rest of the sentence as well. Again though - perhaps more precise description? Depending upon your intent - a prologue can be very brief, even bleak - but make the words you do use count.

"It must be the Huldae!" terrified whispers echoed that cry. " Huldae, it must be the huldae." Mothers gathered their children close at the mention of the huldae.

Later, when the constable examined the house, he found out an important fact. "The magistrates family isn't completely dead,"he announced, "one member is still missing."

Dramatic manner to introduce the 'Huldae' (whatever they may be - the women? or a rival country or town?). Again - you might tell a bit more - something to give more of an image than just the 'frightening hooligans' or 'monsters' that will make women draw their children near.

Though perhap used often enough, you've left it at a lovely cliffhanger - one which will likely keep readers interested in who and why and whatnot.

Here, with all the paragraph breaks, is what it ought to look like.

A hush fell over the meadow,as the early mornings mists began to evaporate. The quiet was pierced by a hawks cry. The hawk watched as two figures appeared from the woods.

"Idiot hawk." a female voice whispered harshly.

Another's voice, a female's also hushed her."It matters not about the hawk, Magena! We must reach the town within the hour.''

The hawk watched as the other woman grabbed the one called Magena. The hawk took flight when the woman's hand was revealed. Unlike most human hands, the nails were lions claws, covered in a blood-red color. The hands could have belonged to an angel, were it not for the gruesome claws.

The women entered the town just as the sun bells were ringing. They entered the magistrate's house. An hour later they left, carrying a bundle. The clawed woman's claws were redder than before. As the baker placed out his first batch of the day, a maid from the magistrates house ran down the main road.

"The magistrate!,"she screamed,"He and his family are dead!" And with that, she fainted.

The townspeople gathered around her. "It must be the Huldae!" terrified whispers echoed that cry. " Huldae, it must be the huldae." Mothers gathered their children close at the mention of the huldae.

Later, when the constable examined the house, he found out an important fact. "The magistrates family isn't completely dead,"he announced, "one member is still missing."

My most adamant suggestion would be your words. You have a good sense of the place; a good opening sentence there for the scene. Use the most apt word. When you say 'blood-red color' - it's not pointed, precise. This is something horrific, yes? Bloody-hued even flows with the sentence better.

But all in all, it did interest me. I liked the description and I'm curious about all the whys left open. ^_^

So - any question about the critique, feel free to PM me. But I'll be looking out for this continued.

Wow, that is possibly the most helpful comment I have ever seen. I have nothing to add, aside from good start.

Thanks! I will edit. And yes, the women are the huldae.

Fourteen Years Later-

"Get more wood Megarah! I swear, you get lazier with each day!" said Magena. Megarah, also called Meg, looked at Magena and sighed. "Well,?" Magena said crossly. Meg headed out the door of the cottage, and right into Quianna. "Watch it brat!" she hissed grabbing her shoulder with her red claws. " Where are you off to brat?" said Quianna with as much venom as a snake. " Relax Quin, I have to get wood for Magena." Quianna looked at Meg meanly. "Fine, but hurry up! You still need to cook the bread!" And with that, she shoved Meg off. Meg hurried into the woods. As she was picking up some wood, she grumbled to herself. " Why can't those freaks get the wood themselves? It's not like they don't have the time!" She hurried up to pick the wood. If she had enough time she could see Creek. But a few minutes later she heard Magena calling her. "Magarah! Get back here NOW!" Grubling to herself, she walked back to cottage.