Young Writers Society

The day was perfect, the sun was bright, the sky so blue with wisps of fluffy clouds. You would have though you walked into a painting. It was just like any other day though, to Annie at least. The poor girl was alone again, that was unacceptable at her age. All her friends had their men, as was proper in this town. But not Annie, and no one could figure out why…


Annie wasn't ugly, almost completely opposite, the envy of all her friends actually. She had a brilliant and sometimes scary imagination, but her friends and family loved her for it. Not only was she creative, she was also very kind to everyone, and wasn’t afraid of hard work. In her society, she was the perfect height of five feet tall, and had a slight figure, not too thin, but not too heavy. With creamy white skin, sapphire blue eyes, her hair was the colour of honey. Who wouldn't want her? Obviously no one wanted her, the poor girl. Though, fate had other plans, and she would soon see, why no one could take her...


Annie strolled along the dirt path, chatting with two of her friends gaily as the sun sank into the western sky. The trio stopped on a stone bridge, running over a stream.
"Oh Annie, wasn't today just so delightful?" Her dear friend Clara asked. Clara had a personality that drew people to her like bees to honey. She was sweet, and so loving. Never a bad word out of her mouth about someone. She was tall, with chestnut coloured hair, and emerald green eyes. Not as beautiful as Annie, but in her own way very special. She had someone though, unlike Annie.
Annie smiled and slipped her arm through Clara's, and nodded, "I know, who would've guessed that Bria would fall for a man and get him at the same time?" She giggled quietly as she glanced at her other friend.
Bria smiled shyly and glanced at the ground. " Well, someone tripped me. Though, I am grateful for that. I would have never thought Ethan would be the one for me." Bria was a bit short, and plump. Her hair as deep as the velvet night sky, and eyes as blue as the sky today. Her smile was wonderful, but one hardly saw it. She hardly spoke to anyone else but her dearest friends.


Silently two men snuck upon the three friends. They watched the girls lean over the bridge a bit to watch something float by. Stepping silently till they were right behind Clara and Bria. With a quick, devilish smile at each other they pulled out silk blindfolds. But at that moment the girls stood up straighter and bumped into the men. The men fell back a bit but quickly tied the cloth around Bria, and Clara's eyes. The girls gasped and struggled as Annie looked at the men, and started to laugh.


Ethan and Dan slowly pulled their sweethearts from Annie with an apologetic smile.
"Sorry my dearest Annie, but these two have to go home now. Their mother’s have asked us to take them home. You know the rules about staying after the sun has set." Ethan said with a grin.
Annie flipped out her white fan and covered the lower half of her face with it. "That’s alright Josh, we were about to go home anyway. Take her and do as you will. Same with Clara." She said impishly, her eyes full of laughter as Clara and Bria were led away with their loves. Annie turned and leaned against the stone wall of the bridge again. She watched a mother and her ducklings swim around as the sun finally disappeared into the sky. Night had come, and she wasn’t supposed to be out.


"It isn't proper for such a lovely young lady as yourself to stay out here at night." A voice whispered in her ear softly.
Annie gasped and dropped her fan, spun around. Her eyes searched the area, but night had made it difficult to see. "Who said that? Who’s there?" she whispered quietly, inside she was trembling with fear. A light breeze tickled the back of her neck as a tingle raced through her body. She gathered her dress in her hands and ran towards her house, faster then was ladylike. Gasping for breath she stumbled into her home, startling her mother.


“My goodness. What has gotten you into such a frenzy?” Her mother asked worriedly, watching her only daughter with sad eyes. She knew Annie had a vivid imagination and could think of the most outlandish things. Her father was the same way, but he had died a few years back.
Annie shook her head and raced up into her room. She was aware that her mother would follow, but she needed time to think. The girl sat in front of the mirror and stared at her reflection. But slowly an image formed in the glass, the image wasn’t her own, it was a man. Shrieking she fell back, off her chair. Annie kneeled up a bit and stared at the mirror’s new image, shaking in fear.
“Now then Annie, is that any way to treat your old man?”

This was written very well I like the way you just started the story out as if it were just an average day. Barely anyone in the YWS does that belive it or not. Or at least the stories I have read don't. I didn't really spot any mistakes so I have to say you checked your work very well before you posted it. But the thing is, the begenning the story felt a little... well, girly. So it seemed weird for me but I'm glad I read on because it seems promising. Now I'm eager to find out what she is going to do with her Dad's spirit.

I liked the story but didnt like the first sentence, "It was a sunny day" just didnt really absorb me into the tale.

Yeah I have to agree, it seemed too cliche.

what would be a better sentence then

Hmm...I don't really know. Maybe try putting it in diferent words. Then it won't seem too cliche. It's just that many books and stories start with those very words. If you put it in your own words then it won't be cliche any more. Understand what I mean?

aye, but it kinda was in my own words I can try again though

ladydark wrote:The day was perfect, the sun was bright, the sky so blue with wisps of fluffy clouds. You would have though you walked into a painting. It was just like any other day though, to Annie at least. The poor girl was alone again, that was unacceptable at her age. All her friends had their men, as was proper in this town. But not Annie, and no one could figure out why. She wasn't ugly, almost completely opposite, the envy of all her friends actually. Annie was the right height of five feet tall, and had a slight figure, not too thin, but not too heavy. With creamy white skin, sapphire blue eyes, her hair was the colour of honey, and of course, curly. Who wouldn't want her? Obviously no one wanted her, the poor girl. Though, fate had other plans, and she would soon see, why no one could take her...

I was about to kill you for this paragraph, but then you redeemed yourself by telling the reader that there was a perfectly good explanation for why nobody snatches up this sweet, sapphire-eyed beauty.

But still... starting out with drop-dead-gorgeous Annie taking a stroll on yet another beautiful day... well, it makes these little bells in my head start to clang SUE SUE SUE! Introducing a beautiful character off the bat is fine, but it's usually better to give us something of their personalities instead of being so concerned with the fact that her hair was of course, curly. Just be careful with this type of opening.

Annie strolled along the dirt path, chatting with two of her friends gaily as the sun sank into the western sky. The trio stopped on a stone bridge, running over a gently bubbling stream.

I'm not too sure about how I feel about having this many adjectives all in one place. I think it was the last part of the second sentence that set me off. Why not just leave it at "stream"? It seems picturesque enough.

"Oh Annie, wasn't today just so delightful?" Her dear friend Clara asked. Clara had a personality that drew people to her like bees to honey. She was sweet, and so loving. Never a bad word out of her mouth about someone. Not only was she a gentle soul, but her looks were simple, but beautiful. A bit tall, but her hair was a soft, wavy chestnut, and her eyes a gentle green. She was taken, lucky gal.

Uh oh... treading into very dangerous waters here. Now we have two lovely, drop-dead-gorgeous, wouldn't-hurt-a-fly, sweet as honey girls in the picture. And why do her eyes have to be gentle green right away? Why don't you just let us know that she was a tall, chesnut-haired girl who was beautiful in her own way? Tell us about the eyes later.

Annie smiled and slipped her arm through Clara's, and nodded, "Most defiantly. Who would've guessed that Bria finally fallen for her man?" She giggled quietly as she glanced at her other friend.

It's spelled "definitely." I'm not too sure about the dialogue right now... Maybe she should say "certainly" or something similar. Most definitely seems a bit too casual for the elegant dialect you've established.

Bria smiled shyly and glanced at the ground. " Well, someone tripped me. Though, I am grateful for that. I would have never thought Josh would be the one for me." Bria was a very shy girl, as you can see. She lacked so much confidence, it hurt her other friends who tried to help her. She was a bit short, and plump. Her hair as deep as the velvet night sky, and her eyes as blue as the sky. Her smile was wonderful, but one hardly saw it. She hardly spoke to anyone else but her dearest friends, the poor gal.

If we can see that Bria's a shy girl, you don't have to tell us. Saying that she smiled shyly and averted her eyes at certain places or refrained from speaking at times is enough. Actually, don't tell me at all. SHOW ME. I think that's the biggest problem I'm having here. The characters are trying to do their thing but the narration keeps popping in with, "the poor gal" and "the lucky girl" and "the poor thing" instead of just letting me think those things after you've shown me that they are indeed pitable or lucky or shy or adorable or lovely.

Silently two men snuck upon the three friends. Smiling devilishly at each other they pulled out blindfolds and quickly tied them around Bria, and Clara's eyes. They gasped and pretended to struggle as Annie laughed. Josh and Dan slowly pulled their girls from Annie with an apologetic smile.

This could be like a bazillion times cooler if you reworded it. Maybe you could make it really, really tense, making us think that a couple of vagabonds were preparing to descend upon these sweet ladies, since you've already thrown us a hint of something bad to come.

Also, after Bria, you don't need a comma. And the "they" right after "Clara's eyes." confused me. I think the description here is too sparse. Something like this would have confused me less:

"The girls gasped and pretended to struggle. Annie looked on, laughing and shaking her head. Josh and Dan, still grinning roguishly, pulled their sweethearts (?) closer to them."

Something. I'm still not sure of the relationship here, hence the little question mark. They're courting? Engaged? Brother and sister? What?

"Sorry my dearest Annie, but these two have to go home now. Mothers' orders." Josh said with a grin.

Again, are they the girls' brothers? Clarification here would be grooood.

Annie flipped out her white fan and covered the lower half of her face with it shyly.

Wait, why is she shy all of a sudden?

"Its okay Josh, we were about to go home anyway. Take her and do as you will. Same with Clara." She said impishly, her eyes full of laughter as Clara and Bria were led away with their loves. Annie turned and leaned against the stone wall of the bridge again, watching a mother and her ducklings swim around lazily.

Again, I think "okay" is a bit too informal. What about, "That's all right, Josh," or even, "It's perfectly all right. We were just about to begin heading home." Oh! Loves! Well okay, there you go. But I'm still confused as to why the mother had to send the boys... and whose mother? The boys'? The girls'?

And in the last sentence, I don't think the lazily is necessary. You could just leave it off... especially since it's somewhat confusing as to if the ducks are swimming lazily or if Annie is watching lazily.

"It isn't proper for such a lovely young lady as yourself to stay out here at night." A voice whispered in her ear softly.

Hang on, when did it get dark? I'm confused.

Annie gasped and turned around quickly, looking around, but seeing no one she inquired.

There's no tension in here. I'm feeling nothing. Try to consolidate "turned around quickly" into something like, "whipped around." And even saying that her "eyes darted over the landscape" would be better than boring ol' "looking around." And she inquired? Come on. She's freaked out! Let her whisper or say bravely or let her voice tremble or something. And if she inquires at the beginning of the quote, she can't say strongly at the end. One or the other:

"Seeing no one, she called out, 'Who said that? Who's there?'"

"There was no one. 'Who said that? Who's there?' she said, trying to sound brave, though her stomach twisted in fear."

She gathered her dress in her hands and ran towards her house, faster then was lady like. Gasping for breath she stumbled into her home, startling her mother.

Ladylike is one word.

“My goodness. What has gotten you into such a frenzy?” Her mother asked cautiously. She knew Annie had a vivid imagination and could think of the most outlandish things. Her father was the same way, sadly though, he died a few years back.

Of course it was sad; the guy died! Don't say it was sad, show that the mother misses her beloved husband or Annie longs for the father she lost too soon or something. And why does she say it cautiously? Wouldn't she be annoyed or worried that Annie is always thinking the most wild stuff?

Annie shook her head and raced up into her room. She was aware that her mother would follow but she needed time to think. Annie sat in front of the mirror and stared at herself, slowly an image formed in the glass. Shrieking she stumbled back, shaking in fear.
“Now then Annie, is that any way to treat your old man?”

ANNIE shook her head.... ANNIE sat in front of the mirror. They're semi-close; not annoyingly close, but a bit too close for my taste.

I'd dramatize the last bit a little more. Like,

"She sat in front of the mirror and stared at her reflection. As she did, a new image began to form in the glass, an image that was not her own. Shrieking, she stumbled back and found her back pressed against the wall."

Or something like that.

Anyway, very nice work, I enjoyed the storyline quite a bit. Just a few technicalities and SHOW don't TELL things to fix, and I think you'll be good to go. Hope I helped!

fixed it... alot... hope its better

This is much better. You took Areida's advice and put it to work. *Applauds* Great job.

Yes alot better