Here's the next bit. I'm not as happy with it as the first; I could definitely use some advice on how to make it better.
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For three years Jeffery had worked as a ‘Staff Member’ at the VampireTorium Production Studio. In those years he had always wondered at the design of the building. It had never made sense to him why a building with such a menacing exterior housed such a bland interior. As Jeffery watched Evelyn look around with large curious eyes he knew she wondered the same.
Jeffery himself had once been like her, a smart industrious youth with a secret fetish for all things creepy. And like her, he had felt deception and disappointment when he finally stepped through the darkened doorway of the building to be greeted by ‘If you’d just give me a name I’ll get you a tag’.
He smiled warmly as he escorted Evelyn into the Staff Lunchroom and had a warm meal brought for her. The plate consisted of dark red soup with something akin in shape and appearance to eyeballs floating in it. He could see Evelyn’s eyes light up and felt a sense of pride at having been to one to arrange this meal for her.
“I will return in twenty minutes,” he said as she began consuming the carefully prepared meal. “Please enjoy your meal.” Jeffery smiled as he shut the door to the room. Enjoy this meal Evelyn, he thought distantly. It will no doubt be your last.
Amused at his own drifting thoughts, Jeffery chuckled as he began a brisk walk down the hall. Few would ever notice, and of this Jeffery was certain, that the studio was in fact one long hallway. It was indeed curious, how such a tall and wide building had but one floor with only one hallway. But it was not the staff’s job to notice such abnormalities, not it was simply their job to do and act as they were told for the short periods of time they were in the building.
Jeffery reached the end of the hall and looked back over his shoulder, as much to check for anyone within sight as to smile because he could see strait to the doorway where Evelyn’s light blue coat hung. He turned back to the wall before him and firmly rapped a short ditty on the wood.
After almost a full minute of silence a tall thin section of the leftmost part of the wall swung forward silently. Jeffery took a pair of dark green glasses from his breast pocket and slipped them on as he stepped through the secret doorway and into the true VampireTorium Production Studio, referred to as VTPS by all but those who worked within the long bland hallway and claimed the title ‘Staff Member’. The wall swung back into place behind him and he was plunged into utter darkness.
Not that I know of. I don't really know why I picked that for the title, I plan on changing it later. If anything I was refering to the yellow card you get in soccer as a serious 'caution'.
I'm like that song stuck in your head; I come and I go, but never truly dissapear.
Im new and still learning, but i thought the description from the first paragraph about the building and the fences was excellent, but ive been told to describe everything, so what was the street like? i pictured it as a row of old houses, with broken fences.
but from reading that, you have given me better ideas on how to describe the main structer of the story, so thanks
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