Young Writers Society

Well, i got the idea of a random fight scene from Phoenix and now im gunna try out my own, even though there are tons of other stuff i should be working on...

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Breathing heavily, the barbarian hurled off another ranger, breaking him on the hard stone ground of the mountainside. His furs were dripping wet with a combination of sweat and blood. His thick corded muscles surged as he struggled with another of the woodland warriors. His form was dark, his bodied reddened by the fight. Strewn across the ground lay nearly a dozen men, motionless and resting in thick pools of blood.

The only survivor strong enough to stand charged at him, sword in hand, thrashing at the barbarian. The ranger had lost so much and now he fought wildly, uncontrollably.

The barbarian smiled wickedly, he would show him how to fight...he would show him hot to fight like an animal. The ranger came down with his sword yet again, face contorted with rage, body surging, and the barbarian dodged the weak attack, more dexterous than his monstrous form would appear capable.

As he rolled away from it, he grasped a heavy stone before standing. Blocking more of his enemy's strong attacks with the stone, he searched for an opening in the man's defense. The two warriors continued this for minutes, both heavily fatigued, both being fueled by bloodthirsty adrenaline. The barbarian feinted an attack with his small boulder and then quickly thrust his knee into the ranger's chest.

Then he dropped the rock on the man's spine, tearing open the his backside, letting his lifeblood flow away. He heard the cracking of bone before the ranger fell, silently, onto the wet mountain side. And then the helpless figure lay there, unable to prevent what was to come. It would have screamed but the words never came, and then all it knew was darkness.

Soon, the other rangers had also passed away, into their eternal sleep. Alone and undisturbed, the barbarian kneeled down in the quite clearing on the mountainside, drenched from battle. Maybe this would be the end, he thought, maybe now the cities would stop bothering his people and they could live in peace. Deep inside he knew it would never happen, and the savageness which hadn't passed craved the next battle.

He gathered his things and took what he wanted from the bodies, dissapearing into the thick forest.

I didn't find this battle scene particularly realistic.

First off, all these rangers are lying around dead. How did they die and how come there is a survivor?

Either one of two things happened: they all charged simultaneously, or they engaged him one at a time. Engaging an enemy (especially one so formidable as the barbarian) one on one is just plain stupid, but if they all engaged at the same time, then how did the survivor come to engage the barbarian?

The use of a "small boulder" isn't very realistic either. They are much heavier than swords, harder to control, and much more awkward. You want me to believe that the barbarian is tired, yet can handle a small boulder? It's simply too much.

Also, what about other weapons? Wouldn't Rangers have bows, for killing things like deer?

If they have bows, then why not engage the barbarian from one hundred feet away with a light projectile which can kill someone?

From a tactical standpoint, this makes no sense.

The barbarian has no weapon of his own, either...

Even though we come into the scene right in the middle of a fight, you should still fill us in, else we are going to end up very confused.

You should also go back and read this through manually--no spelling/grammar checker is perfect, as is evident by your mistakes that are still blatantly present.

When you write a fight scene, you have to set up everything perfectly--you have to know how your characters fight, what they prefer tot fight with, and how they act when they are fighting.

Here's a sample character for you;

Azrael Deathand
Style: Perfectly balanced two weapon style
Preferred Weapon(s): Rapier and Main Gauche (Parrying Dagger)
Demeanor in combat: cocky, filled with pure confidence--likes to make jokes and jeers his opponents.

None of your characters seem to know what they want to do when they fight. Like Grif pointed out, Rangers would have bows and would have taken him out from afar. Perhaps he should be fighting Brigands of some sort? Bandits? Or maybe he already disposed of the archers, having taken an arrow to the shoulder whixh he broke off later in the skirmish. Details, my good man.

Yea you guys are right, i didn't put a lot of effort or descript into this story, its short, not my best, i had some spare time. It reminded me of Conan. I dont think i care enough about it to revise it though. Just a timekiller. Thanks.
~Torpid

Yeah It seemed a little unrealistic and some bits were confusing however I liked some of the action you wrote, with a little work it could be a much better peice.