Last edited by napalmerski on Sat Nov 06, 2010 4:41 am, edited 5 times in total.
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness. Robert Howard
Seeing as that February 10 is only in a few weeks, I don't know if I'll be able to read and critique this for you on time, but I'll give it my best shot. I'll start reading today and get what I can finished. If I can't get it done by Feb. 10, I'll pm you my critique instead.
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.
Thanx Krupp, hey I didn't mean it to sound like some deadline or something, 9th is when I'll take the text down, but of course I'll periodically check out ths thread afterwards to see if there's anything posted. Even if it's a year later and no help for this book, it will still be help for my general style.
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness. Robert Howard
Hey man, I'm going to have to put reading your book on hold for while. My drivers test is coming up, so I'm busy studying that, in addition I have an outrageous amount of school work. Will get to it again soon.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” -John 11:25-26
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness. Robert Howard
Unfortunately i don't have access to any decent programs and microsoft word complains about some licence thing, so I can't really upload it all in full, with colourful edits and what-not. Anyway, here's what I've got for chapter one. I'll do the rest hopefully over the next few days.
Spoiler! :
Book One Chapter One
The opening: Love it. It's not the usual action hook, but the variety of sounds increasing is enough to catch the readers attention.
Your creation of Dave is also genius. You've created a very relatable character in a sleepy atmosphere, but still given him that spark that makes him a little more colourful than the average person.
Microwaved coffee, genius.
The subtle plot of him being a detective, and the police knocking on the door mistaking him for a sex-offender, is also very creative.
I also really like the way you've summed up what's going on in the world as Dave is listening to the radio. The news bores me, completely, and yet I have no problem reading this.
Overall I think with the character you have created and the way you've introduced him and the world around him is brilliant.
Your writing style is also very interesting, mainly in that you seem to have an enormous vocabulary at your disposal.
Sorry, I can't really find anything to pick at as a negative, but if anything I hope to give you a boost of confidence. From what I've read so far this is awesome, and I can't wait to read the rest.
Yo, well, I'm back in town, and back online. And I'm taking this baby down to start polishing it. Thanks for the good words Ten Yo, I hope by now you haven't deleted the book from your comp. and haven't entered mind purifying therapy heh. I'm actually glad you can't give line by line edits - that's not what I'm looking for in a book review. Rather the reader's opinions concerning general stuff like plot, style, characters and senetence structuring. If you see a persisting problem, I'd be grateful for a copy-paste example, I may be blind to certain problems in one or all of the aforementioned fields. Anyway, waiting for feedback, ever yours
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness. Robert Howard
Sorry my reply is late :p I still have a copy. I haven't yet finished but I've read a fair bit through your novel, and unfortunately once again I have little to comment on. Your writing is fantastic, and the plot just keeps on rolling. The characters are incredibly vivid and quite easy to relate to. If this is going to publishing, you shouldn't have a problem at all.
Hey, TenYo thanks for the small boost, I needed that!
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness. Robert Howard
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness. Robert Howard
Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. — H. Jackson Brown
Gender:
Points: 1040
Reviews: 117