Young Writers Society

In 1719, just three pirate threats remained in the Caribbean. As they were the most evasive and dangerous, a retired Admiral was called in to aid the hunt. Three years later, two still remained, and the lives of the Admiral and his daughters were in constant peril.

The middle child, Madeleine, was by far the most eccentric. She was bold, daring, untalented, and she got into fights easily. When she met Murtagh Simmons, everything changed.

Forced from her home, an unfortunate turn of events leads Madeleine to become the thing she once despised...

I am reading it thoroughly El, and I love it! I'm editing it by hand so it is thorough. I have only corrected mainly grammatical errors, nothing really big so its great!

I've got exams all this week, but I'll get around to reading this when I can and come back with a review hopefully sometime this next weekend...

Hey El! I finished Part I the first night just like you said I would! Now its my turn to right a long review for you!

Prolouge
The Raid

“We were under the impression that we had secured our victory in this long and terrible struggle to defeat piracy in the when the crews of Captain Sam Bellamy, Blackbeard and Bartholomew Roberts - some of the most dangerous pirate captains ever to roam the seas - were eliminated from Caribbean waters.” Take out the “in the”.

“What has caused the pirates to attack so suddenly after a period of limited activity is unknown. Perhaps they are extracting their revenge for the recent death of Bartholomew Roberts.” Why would they want to avenged Bartholomew Roberts? Not Blackbeard or someone else? I know that you know why, but the reader doesn’t.

Chapter I
Dinner Party

8:15 P.M

“Helena and I were seventeen, and girls usually married when they were about fifteen or younger. I could understand why I was without husband, but Helena . . . well, she was beautiful, talented, unlike me.” Here you need to keep it present tense since she isn’t talking about how she “was” ugly you need to keep it present tense.

“No matter what, Isabelle, Helena and I will probably be engaged this coming Saturday.” Put a comma after “Helena.”

“Father paused at Anne’s mention of my mother. He held his fork in his hand, but he not did bring the food to his mouth.” It should be: “But he did not bring the food to his mouth.”

“I did not know what to do. If I tried to do the right thing, it never turned out well. If I did not try to do the right thing, it never turned out well. Why wasn’t I able to do anything right?” Again, present tense here.













Chapter II
The Dream

“I was quite hungry, and I hoped Sarah would have my breakfast. I loved her cooking, and my stomach was beginning to ache for the oatmeal and peaches that she excellently prepared, which were my favourite breakfast item.” After breakfast I think it would sound better if you put “ready”. Just a suggestion.

“Breakfast was usually there, waiting for me, on a shining silver tray. However, today I saw that it was not.” I think it should be: “However, in the dream I saw that it was not.”

“‘Are you alright?’ I did not know that there was anyone there besides me, so I turned in shock to see who it was – maybe Sarah had just come in.
It was not Sarah – far from her, actually.” It would sound a lot better if it was: “’Are you alright?” I did not kow that there was anyone else there besides me-maybe Sarah had just come in. I turned in shock to see who it was.
It was not Sarah-far from her actually.”



“She was wearing a stunning down of green silk and lace. I knew this woman, because I had seen her many times before. She was my mother.” I think you mean “gown” when you put “down.”

“Was I hallucinating, dreaming? Alternatively, was I dead - murdered in my sleep, somehow?” You don’t need a comma there. No pause.


Chapter III
New Faces

“My eyelashes fluttered open, and I found myself once again in my bedroom. I almost sure that I was awake this time, because it was not often that you woke up, but were really dreaming, which you woke up from, but were dreaming.” Again, change it to present tense and there needs to be a “was” between “I” and “almost”.

“I did have a small hunch that she was getting ready to run away, but it came hard for me to accept the fact that it had actually I happened.” I think you accidentally put that “I” there.

“My dress for the day was made of pale blue silk that complimented my ice coloured-eyes, with sunflower-yellow lace that went nicely with my lemon blonde hair.” You don’t need that comma there.

Chapter VI
Music Lesson

“At around nine-forty this morning, I returned to my room, and there was still some extra time for my music lesson began at ten.” I think you mean “before”.

I noticed in this chapter you kept putting Mr which is incorrect you need a period after the “r” since its an abbriviation. Just go through and fix all those.

Chapter V
Blossoming Love
On a positive note, I was super excited to read this chapter because of the title!
Again with the “Mr” add periods.

Chapter VI
Conflicting Emotions
Isabelle Grey’s Journal
“I am awake early this morning because I have decided to go visit Murtagh. I really miss him. I received no reply to letter I sent, so I shall go see him in person.” Put a “the” before “letter”.

“However, as I pulled away, he simply continued, asking me return Madeleine’s fixed violin to her.” It should be: “Asking me to return…”
Madeleine Grey’s Journal
“As a result of that, when we lived in England, Helena and I was extremely close.”
Change it to “Helena and I were extremely close.”

“However, sometimes I believe that...well, when Father, Isabelle and many of our tutors are mad at you, you think that they have no reason for being so.” There should be a comma after “Isabelle”.

“Helena rolled her eyes. ‘That’s not what I meant,’ she said slowly.” It would sound better if it was: “That’s not what I mean,”.

“It was silent for a minute, and then Helena said, ‘You know, Mother wouldn’t happy about this/.’” I think you just had a typo here.

Chapter VII
The Second Attack
“An hour before know, I saw them through the tiny window in my bedroom.” It should be: “An hour before now, I saw them through the tiny window in my bedroom.”

“As I got father inland, things seemed a little better.” It should be “farther” instead of “father”.

“’Where were you? I told you find your sisters and lead them somewhere safe!’” Put it as: “Where were you? I told you to find your sisters and lead them somewhere safe!”

“’I don’t know,” I said, looking down at my feet. “I didn’t think that I loved him, but I felt uncomfortable bring the two with me.’” Put a “to” between “uncomfortable” and “bring”.


Chapter VIII
Within the Family
Helena Grey’s Diary

“I smiled. ‘She was?’
‘Yes, as well as your father, your sister Isabelle, and Miss Murray,’ said the doctor. ‘You’re in good hands.’
‘Thank you for everything,’ I said. I was feeling very tired, and not quite ready to see my family again. I decided to take a nap.”
The first “was” should be “did”. And the last paragraph should be present tense since she is still writing. “I decided to take a nap.” Could be changed to: “I think I shall take a nap.”


Isabelle Grey’s Diary
3:40 PM
“Madeleine definitely had to be the centre of the universe.” “Centre” should be “center”.


Chapter IX
The Party
2:10 AM

“We same standing near the end of the crowd;” “same” should be “saw him”.

“Father laughed. ‘Girls, this General George Harris, of the army. He as an ally and close friend of mine,’” It should be: “Father laughed. ‘Girls, this is General George Harris, of the army. He is an ally and close friend of mine.”

“Finally, my name was called to come forth and meet a few suitors.” It would flow better if “and” was “to” instead.

“‘I believe that I shall be very happy.’” Father smiled, but I noticed something eerie about the way Helena spoke. She seemed almost said, like she felt the exact opposite of what she was actually saying.” I think you mean “said” to be “sad”.

“I opened my mouth to speak, but I could find nothing to say. If Father would let it be, I would not seem again, but Father truly did have no reason to trust me.
Father sighed. ‘Isabelle,’ he said, “leave us be. Go join your sister, and she how she is doing.’”
“Seem” should be “see him” and “she” should be “see”.

“And Mother . . . could it be possible that Father was right about the way should we would feel?” Should be: “the way she would feel?”


Chapter X

Escape

Murtagh Simmons’s Journal

“’I was too humiliated. I know my family would have never forgiven me. There was no way I could stay.’” Again, present tense. Change “would have” to “will” and “forgiven” to “forgive”.

“If she lived with me here, they would find us quickly.” Should be worded: “If she lived here with me, they would find us quickly.” It just flows better.

“I told her that we would be able to back to England, as James was leaving in the morning.” Change it to: “be able to go back to England,” it sounds better.


Isabelle Grey’s Diary
I loved this part! It was really great and I didn’t have any corrections. You get a real big veiw on Isabelle and you see what a snot she is, but I love when she slaps him! It was so awesome! Great job here!


Chapter XI
Uneasy Waters
Madeline Grey’s Journal

“’Hello James,’ Murtagh replied with a smile. ‘Have you met Madeleine?’
James shook his head.
‘You fixed my violin,’ I said, trying to remind him. ‘You’re a very lovely carpenter.’
‘Oh yes! I remember know.’” “Know” should be “now”.

“’Well, congratulations. You’re a lucky man, Murtagh.’ James said.” Replace the period with a comma.




Later

“When Murtagh called me earlier today, I knew that his voice sounded urgent, but there was no way I could have expected what came.” It would sound better if it was “what came next.”

“The edges were painted lime green and white. Cannons jutted out of the sides, and a black flag, adorned with skull and crossbones, towered over everything.”
No offense, but I hate it when people use “everything”. Describes the scene. The water, cliffs? Tress on cliffs? Get descriptive!
“’Come on, they’re dead. Throw their bodies overboard, and let’s tell the captain we got this ship. We can figure out who will crew it when get to port.’” You should have a “we” between “when” and “get”.
“’Oh, and Mr Archer? Please go check the hold downstairs to see what kind of loot this guy left.’” Again, with the “Mr” put a period!

Chapter XII
The April Hawk
“They brought me upstairs where about ten pirates were waiting. The bodies of James and his apprentice had already been taken care of, but there were enormous blood stains where they once had been. I saw the woman pirate in front of them all. She was smirking, but silent. Her eyes were light blue, her skin perfectly tanned. Long and straight black hair framed her narrow face.”
This section seems kinda wordy. Try: “but there were enormous blood stains where they had once been.” And with the description of Catherine do: “Her eyes were light blue, her skin perfectly tan. Long, jet black hair framer her narrow face.”

This whole chapter with “Mr. Archer” add periods after Mr so just go through and get those corrected.

“‘In,’ he commanded. I obeyed. ‘Don’t even think about trying to escape. Even if you get past the bars, there were always be pirates on deck, and they will be waiting for you,’ he added, speaking rather duly.”
“Duly” should be “dully” and “were” should be “are”

Chapter XII
A Fight
I was so excited for this chapter and I hate how you left me hangin on a cliff, but you did that on purpose! Anyways, this had to be my favorite chapter.

“Whatever happened, I knew I couldn’t stay here any longer. I had to find some way to escape. I would catch a ferry back to Kingston, and gladly return home, accepting the consequences that would come. However, maybe I could give Father the location of the pirates. After that, maybe Father would trust me, and not be as angry.” Present tense here okay? Keep it present tense because she hasn’t done it yet.

. “My dear, there’s have fight in you,’ He said, chuckling.
‘So what?’ I said loudly.”
I think that period at the beginning was accidental. Change “have” to “a”. Also, “He” doesn’t need to be capitalized.

Well! That’s my review for Part I!!! I am so excited!!! Hurry and write I love it and I’m just hanging on a cliff! I mean her hand is like gone and he’s like dead…ohmygosh I’m panicking here!!! Great Job El!!!

P.S. My brother and I watched Pirates of the Carribean today and I was reading and watching at the same time so it was AWESOME!!!! Oh, and I put this in color on Microsoft Word but it didn't work. Sorry this is so long but your book was awesome!!!

Hey Elinor, great story! I love the plotline and you certainly kept me hooked. I have devoured through 41 pages so far, editing and adding advice. It's mainly advice though, because I'm not the best at spotting grammar mistakes. I couldn't do anymore today because I have to go to sleep. Here is the version with my edits, if you are interested. I hope this helps!