Young Writers Society

In 1723, Life was very different in alot of ways. But almost everyone held the same values of love and family that we do today. When Madeleine Gray, a seventeen-year old English teenager, moves from her comfortable York home to Kingston, Jamacia, because of a post her father accepted, her life is changed forever.

No longer the same sheltered girl she was in youth, when she meets a young silversmith, her desire for him will lead to her to make a few stupid desicisons. These will eventually lead her down a path of evil and misfortune, one that the whole British Empire is against . . .

Oooo! Excitement!

And more critiques! Yay! ^^

Expect them reasonably soon. ^^

I'm looking over what you changed, and it all looks very good. I like the new "Diary" format you're using. Good work!

ThornedRose, I loved the extra scene between Helena and her father. It adds extra depth to their characters.

A few things I found from that scene:

At that moment, I heard my bedroom door open. It was father.

Should be "Father," capitalized, since it's being used as a proper name.

"Helena.” He said sternly.

Never use a period before a dialogue tag, i.e:

"Helena,” he said sternly.

There, all better. ^^

And a few (minor) things in the next chapter:

perhaps the one good thing the old captain did is try to unite crews with Saris

I know that Saris is the captain of The War Drum, but it's been so long since you've mentioned him the reader might have forgotten. Mention who he is again.

“Why didn’t Saris wanted too?”

Should be "Why didn't Saris want to?"

I had become quartermaster well before everyone found out I was a women.

"Women" is the plural, and obviously Catharina is one woman, not many.

That's all I found in that chapter. ^^ This is starting to look absolutely wonderful; I love Madeline's internal conflict, the changes and the details you put in the earlier chapters, everything. I think you're well on your way to completing and perfecting this.

Well, I'll see you around. ^^ Keep writing!

-Hawkie-

Chapter Seven! I'm going to just review this as I read. ^^

He had old set that he no longer used,

Should be "he had an old set," not just "old set."

had sort have begun to accept that he wasn’t gone.

Did you mean to say "accept that he was gone?"

We kissed once. There was drama. There was happiness. I wasn't really in love - just obsession.

Wow! Wasn't expecting that, but it certainly is very creative. Madeline seems to be growing up.

Taking a slump of meat

A slump? *giggles*

“Don’t worry, it is really easy. You just have to be careful at the end, though, right as you’re firing it.” He reassured me.

Remember to never use a period before a dialogue tag.

. Now I saw a different side of this woman – one that could act evil, because this was not funny.

Evil? Maybe a little nasty, but not evil. If I were in her position I might giggle too, and I'm not THAT evil, am I?

“Out here, were never safe.

Should be "we're."

This seemed like a little much – so I had not been the only crew member who’s ship had been attacked.

Should be "whose," not "who's." "Who's" is the contraction for "who is."

Well . . . that's the end of that chapter! Looking forward to the rest.

Keep writing!

-Hawks-

Chapter 1:
I read this before the revision and I really like the changes you’ve made. I think the relationship between Murtagh and Madeleine is much more realistic, building up over time instead of just jolting into reality. I’m also glad that you specified Murtagh’s age because last time I was under the impression that he was older for quite a long time.
As for Isabel… I understand her character, but most of the scenes she appears in seem kind of sketchy. Her diary entries don’t flow as well as the others. Also, who is older, Madeleine or Isabel? I can’t tell because both of them refer to each other as their “little cousin.”

Chapter 2:
To be honest, my first reaction to this chapter was: huh?
Why would Madeleine be so certain that Murtagh would want to elope and get married when they’ve known each other for what, two days?! Also, the wording seems really awkward when you keep using the phrase “run away with me,” or something similar. It just doesn’t quite make sense.
Also, Murtagh and Madeleine’s relationship just doesn’t seem that serious. You don’t have to describe every moment of their time together, but I definitely think that they should know each other for longer before Isabel tells Lord Gray.
Pretty good, but it moves along at much too fast a pace. You should add more detail and break it down into a few chapters so that it’s not so overwhelming.

Chapter 3:
Pretty good, but it moves along at much too fast a pace. You should add more detail and break it down into a few chapters so that it’s not so overwhelming.

Chapter 4:

Last night, a young woman by the name of Madeleine Gray disappeared from her Kingston home. She disappeared on the night of August 6th, 1717, and probably left with Murtagh Simmons, the young silversmith.

Both sentences state pretty much the same thing. Either combine them or delete one.

She has a slender build, long, strawberry blonde hair and soft blue eyes. She is seventeen years old. Madeleine is the daughter of Admiral Edward Gray – he is seeking any information that could be found relating to her disappearance. “ He warns all persons not to harbor her, but to bring her back to Kingston to be safe with her family. A reward of £10,000 is at stake.

*harm?
** something along the lines of “being offered to anyone who finds and returns her” would sound better

The letter written from Madeleine to her family does not sound like anything a person would actually write. It doesn’t make sense and the wording is awkward, and my suggestion would be to rewrite it entirely.

Chapter 5:
Oooookaaay. This chapter sort of makes sense, sort of develops the plot, sort of flows with the rest of the story and sort of keeps me hooked and sort of connects me to the characters and so on and so forth. That’s a whole lot of sort of’s. This chapter isn’t awful, but it isn’t great either. It’s lukewarm, which is actually the worst because you think you can just let it slide by without fixing it when in reality it needs some major changes. This could be really good with a little bit of work. Just reread it, edit it, add some more detail, develop the plot, and then do it all over again.

Chapter 6 and 7:
My main comment would be that I’m very glad you’re letting Madeleine ease into the whole piracy thing instead of suddenly becoming captain like you did last time. Believe me, it’s way better this way.