Young Writers Society

The long golden age of piracy is finally coming to and end. Ever since the death of her mother, Madeleine Gray's life has slowly been spiraling downward. When her father accepts a post as leader of the carribean navy to help hunt down the last two pirate ships in the Carribean - The April Hawk and the War Drum - Foribben Romance and a horrid family might cause Madeleine to become to very enemy her father was fighting to defeat.

Hello, hello, it's your editor Hawkie here,

I just finished chapter one. ^^ I'll do the other chapters later, but here's a quick rip-up on the first one.

One thing that really needs tweaking is the MC, who seems very whiny and angsty. Angst is something that's to be avoided at all costs if you don't know how to handle it. Having Madeline go on about her life's problems continuously is a bit annoying. What about her sense of humor and fun?

Personally, I sympathize with the father more than her. Try making the father not so . . . extreme, and making Madeline a bit more likeable and not so Mary-Sue-ish.

As of chapter one I can't really tell what the plot's going to be about. The reader should be getting a sense of that right from the beginning, so you might want to change that a bit.

The mother's death scene at the beginning was unrealistic. If the mother's heart really was failing that quickly, she'd be in extreme pain if conscious at all. She would be feeling shock to the extreme, and most certainly wouldn't be able to talk to Madeline in such a calm, composed manner. Also, why did she ask to talk to Madeline alone, and not Helena too? Seems a bit . . . favoritistic of her. Helena's feelings would probably be severely hurt if she thought that Madeline had the chance to say "good-bye," but not her. It's okay to have the mother have that fault, as long as you present it as a fault as you do with the father's favoritism.

The encounter with Murtagh is also unrealistic. Ask yourself honestly: would this young man really start pouring out his whole life's troubles to this random noble girl he's never even met in his life? I think not. Save those details for later. Also, Murtagh's description is an "adjective bomb." Always try to spread those descriptions out through the story.

“Yes. I was born in Ireland on July 9th, 1701. My father was a silversmith, as was his father. Our family had a little store, called the Simmons Family Silversmith. We did alright; I mean we made it by and everything. Then his father died, and the business was now in my father’s hands. However, after his father died, the silversmith when He however, was unhappy. My mother and I were too. It was then that my father decided to take the family, and the business, and come out here. I was five years old. I don’t remember much about Ireland…but I do remember my parents…right before we moved…just…so happy…so full of hope. When we got here, however, things took a turn for the worse. My father realized that we spent almost all of our money on the voyage. We couldn’t build a nice…brand new shop like he had hoped…so we built this…and we didn’t have the money to buy an extra home. I felt embarrassed whenever we got the occasional customer, because they’d always see my mother and me on our cots, dirty and hungry. My father really thought I had potential. He wanted me to continue the business badly, after he died. He somehow saw that I had a natural gift for the art….and he trained me immensely, teaching me everything I knew. When I was fourteen…however…things became worse – much, much worse. Well…before that time…whenever we needed food…we’d go out to the market, when we had money. We couldn’t do that anymore, because practically no one came in to the silversmith. We had to resort to stealing the food. I was wearing clothes from when I was nine. Then…one day…two days before my fifteenth birthday, I woke up, and they weren’t there. There was a note, and they said they had left the Island, to go somewhere far away. They didn’t take me…since I was just another mouth to feed. I use what I knew to continue the business…and I have been working here ever since.”

Would he really just start telling her all this personal information just because she walked into the store to pick up an order? Also, this is a huge block of text. It looks very intimidating to readers and you’re just inviting them to skim over or skip the entire thing. Try adding some paragraph breaks. Maybe have Madeleine interrupt occasionally or pause to describe the silversmith. Also, many of your …’s should really be commas.

ie. “When I was fourteen, however, things became worse-much, much worse.” The man paused, his face etched with sadness. “Before then,” he continued, “we would go to the market and buy food; we always had enough money.”

I don’t know, just an idea.

For Instance

This “I” shouldn’t be capital.

She was a little spoiled brat, who thought she had such a tough and troubled life when, in reality she had it much better then everyone in our family. Also…(comma, not …)

As I was reading, my mind was less on the book then it usually was, because I also thinking about the wonderful experience I had with Murtagh the night before. In my mind, we were still in each other’s arms, kissing. Even though I knew how dangerous our love would be, I couldn’t help it. He was so lovely, so charming. Whenever I was with him, I forgot about all my troubles. I wondered when I would get to see him again.

Maybe I missed something, but for some reason my first impression of Murtagh is that he was an old man. If you mentioned his age and I somehow missed it, never mind. If not, maybe you should clarify. Also, she's only known him for a day. Is she really that in love with him?

The part about Madeleine trying to convince Murtagh to run away just doesn’t quite seem to flow. I don’t know why, it just seems a little sketchy or something. Maybe you could work on it a little. Other than that, it’s awesome so far. Very exciting and romantic.

I tried to think of a way I could escape. The window was too small to crawl out of . . . but, what about the bars. I squinted at the gaps between them. I had always been petite and frail. If I crawled out sideways, maybe I could squirm out.
I inched my way forward, when I crawled out to a success. I smiled happily. Yes, as much I couldn’t believe I was saying it, I’d be with my family soon. Father would be mad at me, but I wouldn’t care! I was going home! I was going to be safe! My smile died down when I began to think about how I was going to get off the ship. The only way was the deck. I could just hope we were at port, and the crew was sleeping.
First, I went over to the hatch and looked to see if there was anyone. I saw no pirates! I was so happy! This was going to be too easy. I moved forward and started crawling up the hatch.

Do pirates really stop at ports, especially so soon after attacking a ship? They couldn’t have gotten very far away. Also, her escape from her cell was way too easy.

Now that you have done us the great favor of killing him, we would like to bestow you the honor of captaincy of this ship.

Would they really just go ahead and offer to make a prisoner they had only caught the previous day captain? Maybe she should just start out as a member of the crew and work her way up in the ranks or something. Also, didn’t most pirates have something against women?

What? Make me . . . captain? I didn’t know how it was going to possible. No! I’d always been against piracy my entire life. If I became a pirate captain . . . but, after all, these pirates were being nice to me, and I didn’t have an exact home to go back to. I’d already blown it. I’d already lost everything.

Would her thought process really be so fast and abrupt? Maybe she should ask to think about it for a while and then something could happen that suddenly changes her mind about pirates. Also, does she have any remorse about killing the captain? Even though he deserved it, it sort of seems like she should be haunted by the memory or something. And what about Murtagh? Doesn’t she want to know if he’s still alive?

Overall, the storyline’s pretty good but a lot of things still don’t make sense. My main question is why Madeleine agreed to be captain so quickly, especially seeing as she always hated Isabelle for wanting to be a pirate, her father had always taught her how ruthless they are, and as far as she knows they just killed Murtagh. Also, why does she get over Murtagh so quickly? He had just died because she convinced him to run away with her and she doesn’t care? Still, I really like it and can’t wait to read more. Sorry if I seem sort of harsh- I really like it! Keep writing!

Hello, hello, it's your editor Hawkie here,

I just finished chapter one. ^^ I'll do the other chapters later, but here's a quick rip-up on the first one.

You always, always need to indent your paragraphs and dialogue, which is something you didn't do. Use the tab button for that.

One thing that really needs tweaking is the MC, who seems very whiny and angsty. Excessive angst is something that's to be avoided at all costs. Having Madeline go on about her life's problems continuously is a bit annoying. What about her sense of humor and fun?

Personally, I sympathize with the father and Helena more than her. Try making the father not so . . . extreme, and making Madeline a bit more likable and not so Mary-Sue-ish.

As of chapter one I can't really tell what the plot's going to be about. The reader should be getting a sense of that right from the beginning, so you might want to change that a bit.

The mother's death scene at the beginning was unrealistic. If the mother's heart really was failing that quickly, she'd be in extreme pain if conscious at all. She would be feeling shock to the extreme, and most certainly wouldn't be able to talk to Madeline in such a calm, composed manner. Also, why did she ask to talk to Madeline alone, and not Helena too? Seems [s]a little[/s] a lot biased of her. Helena's feelings would probably be severely hurt if she thought that Madeline had the chance to say "good-bye," but not her. It's okay to have the mother have that fault, as long as you present it as a fault as you do with the father's favoritism.

The encounter with Murtagh is also unrealistic. Ask yourself honestly: would this young man really start pouring out his whole life's troubles to this random noble girl he's never even met in his life? I think not. Save those details for later. Also, Murtagh's description is an "adjective bomb." Always try to spread those descriptions out through the story. Madeline wouldn't be able to take in every single little aspect of his appearance in such a short time.

a deep, emerald green with specs of deep brown

Should be "specks." "Specs" are glasses. xD

We were all there, not saying a word, waiting for the doctors analysis

Should be "doctor's," possessive.

"Madeline ( . . .) you need to learn to love everyone around you. I know you can, Madeline."
"But how?" I asked her, frowning. This was the exact same thing that happened when she died.
"Be kind. Be yourself. What's not to love about you?"

First they're talking about how to love others, then they suddenly start talking about loving Madeline. Stay consistent.

a few slices of bread with 3 kinds of jam

I don't know why, but I think it's best to use the word form of 3 ("three") in a story. Having all those words and then suddenly having a number crop up is a bit odd.

Sarah rolled her eyes. "I don't think so. When your father found out that your mother died, he was in absolute despair," she chuckled.

"Chuckled?" Definitely not a good verb. Why would she be chuckling over absolute despair?

This needs a lot of work, obviously - but what first draft doesn't? You obviously are a writer with potential. Keep working on this. I'll be back with more after I finish the other chapters.

Good work and keep writing!

-Hawkie-

On to chapter 2. Overall, I liked it much better than chapter one. It wasn't as long-winded and there was more dialogue and action. Nice job.

I didn't like the love at first sight, though. It wouldn't be that hard to change it to Madeline visiting Murtagh for several days before her father found out.

I saw father in the parlor

Should be "Father," capitalized, since is used as a proper name.

the air was right, not to hot, not to cold

"To" should be "too." People tend to get their "to's" messed up so here's a little guide.
"Two" = the number 2.
"To" = Either "to go somewhere," or "to do something."
"Too" = an excess of something: "too cold," or an inclusive: "me too!"

He came closer to me and fingered the pendant, "You look so pretty in it."

You always need a period, not a comma, on the end of a dialogue tag.

Why was this happening to me? Why must everything good in my life always end in sadness and despair? Why did I have to suffer like this? It wasn't fair. Nothing ever was.

Once again, this sounds really annoying and angsty. I like a heroine who acts to solve her problems. (Which yours does, in the next chapter, but it'd still be better without the angst).

If anyone, she had the most biased opinion.

Should be "if anything."

Keep writing, mes amis!

-Hawkie-

Chapter three! You sick of me yet? xD

hair flew behind her like fire in locks of strawberry blonde.

Nice, nice, nice description. Good author. *gives cookie*

It was then that I began to feel pain.

Then I began to feel pain.

You mention beginning to feel pain twice . . . mistake?

"I'm glad you made the right choice," I told him happily, beginning to strike conversation.

Should be "strike up a conversation."

I could see gleaming white skull and crossbones which stood out against the black banner of the flag. From what I had learned from my father, it could only mean one thing. Pirates.
"Pirates!" yelled someone. "Prepare your selves!"

I'd eliminate the first "pirates" for dramatic effect. Also, "yourselves" is one word.

Or had he caused extra trouble to the captain and been thrown overboard.

This is a question, so punctuate it as such, with a question mark.

But considering the ships record

Should be "ship's," possessive.

Anyway! The plot thickens! Murtagh's thought process during the whole "asking about running away" scene seems a bit clunky and hurried. Describe what he's feeling, his emotions, every individual thought he has to smooth out the edges.

I haven't really got any comments on characterization and plot for this individual episode. Everything seems to be functioning together very well.

Later, for Chapter 4!

*prods gently* See? I told you I'd have Chapter 4 ready ASAP.

Anyway . . .

I saw no pirates! I was so happy!

Easy on the exclamation marks. Also, this is telling, not showing. Don't just say "I was so happy," describe her heart racing with happiness, the spring in her step, the light in her eyes, etc. Relief is a VERY powerful emotion; people laugh, cry, and do all sorts of crazy things out of relief. Milk it to all it's worth.

"My master?" I regarded quizzically.

"Regarded" is not a speaking verb. It means "to look." You can't look a sentence. Also, "quizically" is an odd adjective here. It doesn't have enough emotion, anger or panic to really fit.

he started to untie my dress, touching areas that should be touched as he did it

"Touching areas that should be touched." A bit odd sounding if you ask me. Which areas are those, and why should they be touched? If you're referring to the, ahem, areas that indicate sexual interest, then they definitely *shouldn't* be touched. Is that what you meant to say?

"I won't hurt you," he reassured, although I was not convinced.

Um . . . he cuts of her hand and then tells her he won't hurt her? Maybe you should switch the order. xD

There were woman pirates? I frowned, not knowing this. I wondered how she

Wondered how she what? You cut off there, I think that's a typo.

I swallowed, hoping they wouldn't be made at me,

Another typo: "Made" - "mad."

I pulled the blankets back over me with the new hand, testing it out.

If this story is taking place when i think it is, there wouldn't be the technology yet to make an artifical hand that functioned properly. You need nerve endings to move, and although authentic nerves can be substituted by artifical ones today, they wouldn't be able to do that back then. Madeline would be able to get an artificial hand attached, but she'd have no power of motion over it.

Was I going to have to learn how to navigate, too? Oh god.

"God" should always be capitalized when referring to the Christian God. ^^

Okay, so I agree with the other review about her agreeing to be captain so quickly. Madeline of course seems like an impulsive character, but would she be *that* impulsive? I don't think so. Have her mull it over, have her put a lot of agony into her choice, and after that, still leave some guilt lingering. That's good internal conflict, there. ^^

Good start! And keep writing! It's been a pleasure reviewing you. Let me know if you want me to do the next installment.