Young Writers Society

Here's the second part of my critique.

I don't have much specifically to say because much is the same as it was before, and I do believe many of the problems spring from your self-admitted troubles with characterization (check my replies to your threads in writing tips ~_^), but there are some things I'd like to note.

Realism: This bothered me more than anything. I couldn't believe for a second Xavier and Lily's reactions to being thrown into some alternate world. They just seemed so matter of fact about it and accepting. I found it very hard to swallow that they even jumped to the conclusion, initially, that they were in an alternate world, and the way neither of them even so much thought about their friends and family was more than a little disquieting. True, you could justify their lack of not thinking much at first to being disoriented, but that doesn't fly for long because you do give the two of them moments for quiet contemplation, such as that first night in Avilandra. Dwell on slow moments such as this, interspersed between the action, to develop their characters and really explore their feelings. Make great use of what you yourself would feel about being thrown into such a world, chances are your reaction will be pretty much spot on to Xavier and Lily's.

Action scenes: I remember you requesting help on action scenes before, specifically on them not being intense enough (IIRC...). And I can see why you worry about that, because the action scenes...your prose is quite good through the rest of the story, very snappy and concise, but during the action scenes it somehow changes. It becomes very detached, almost matter-of-fact. As if you're writing for a textbook instead of a novel. A lot of that comes from being no emotional/physical reactions from Xavier. He doesn't seem to register the pain of the attack, he never feels a rush of adrenaline or blind panic. He doesn't seem to feel any fear or anything a normal person being attacked would. It's difficult to get into the action scene if even the viewpoint character isn't into it. I don't know why either, but your action scenes also end up blooming a lot of excess words that just clog up the prose, something I don't notice in the other parts.

Exclamation points: I don't think I need to say anything more on this besides just stop doing it. Exclamation points belong in dialogue, not prose.

Overall, I did this think this section was weaker than the previous, mostly because I kept on wondering just when Xavier and Lily would start acting and reacting like normal people to everything that was happening. From reading the other comments, I've gathered that at least early on, you have a profusion of deus ex machinas. Already, I've been hit with Arcon and the randomly lying around jewel. I'm glad the jewel has plot significance, though I expect there's a reason for that (even if it has to with a cliche prophecy...), and a reason why Xavier and Lily ended up discovering it quite randomly.

Also, keep in mind what Karsten said about the world's level of technology and such being inconsistent. And try to make sure that the people in the world aren't so nice. It bothers me how unealistically understanding they all seem to be. I'd expect at least some of them would start chasing Xavier and Lily around or treating them suspiciously or throwing them in prison or a mental hospital for being so different. You lost a potentially interesting source of drama by letting Xavier and Lily into the city so easily.

Don't get discouraged--I realize how harsh I'm sounding, but honestly, I woudln't be sticking with this story if I didn't like it. ^^ I'm honestly intrigued to keep reading more and more, and it's only time limits that are keeping me from doing more than 3chapters in one go, because I could just sit here all night and whizz right through them. Your prose is very easy to read, and you'll probably have noticed that from how most of the changes are comments (whereas usually in advanced critiques and even normal ones I'm rewriting whole sentences left and right). And I love the banter between Xavier and Lily. I can already tell, this early, that they're meant to be a couple, and I like how you incorporated that in a roundabout way in their snarky back-and-forth. It's a joy to read and feels very realistic for two kids.

Keep on writing, and PM me if you have any questions. ^^

(Finally!) here's the next part of my review.

Looking over it, I realize I got incredibly harsh, especially near the end, and a lot of that had no literary basis--it was just me ranting. Feel free to agree or disagree with my ranting, but I'd like to elaborate more civilly on the subject of my rant in the review proper.

Killing, killing, killing...

I just don't like it.

It's perfectly fine if it's a war story and the character is a seasoned soldier. It's acceptable in war to kill. But your story takes place during peacetime. Your hero is a twelve year old boy whose biggest combat experience so far is getting punched in the eye by bullies.

I'm happy that Xavier is reacting to having killed, but I'm bothered that he did it in the first place, and bothered at how quickly he seems to get over it. For an ordinary person, especially a child, the very idea of taking another's life is repugnant. You just recoil against the thought. Maybe Xavier killed the man by accident, but the way the scene reads doesn't seem to suggest it. There was something deliberate at work there, something which would be accceptable in a hardened asassin but not Xavier.

One of the best treatments of an ordinary person committing murder has to be "Crime and Punishment". Maybe it's a bit stodgy for your tastes because it was written a hundred years ago and has that ominous label of "classic". That's not saying you shouldn't read it, though. In that book, the killer's conscience eventually drives him pretty much insane. He justified his murder to hell and back in his mind, but in the end he couldn't fight against his own innate knowledge that murder is wrong.

Now, unless you want the rest of the story be Xavier's descent into madness as he's tortured by what he did, I'd suggest the easiest route is to just get rid of the murder entirely.

Feel free to ignore this entire rant, because it's my tastes and yours are probably completely different. Do keep in mind what I said about parents, though.

The rest--

The only new thing I was bothered by (because I do believe I've covered the "emotion/tone" and "action scenes" issues already) is the big bad, King Dracerler. He doesn't strike me as convincing. In fact, he reminds me right off the bat of King Galbatorix in Eragon. And no, that is not a good comparison.

Keep in mind what I said about a leader needing to have at least some support base. They can just be his advisors and the tiny group of nobles who helped put him in power, but a big bad who has allies is much, much scarier than a big bad who's all alone. Also keep in mind that a leader, no matter how despotic he might be, needs reasons he presents to the world for doing what he's doing. Mere "hate" is not sufficient enough. Leaders will claim allegiances to some higher power; think of the "divine right of kings", or even the higher ideals of whatever they stand for (such as Robespierre claiming to be carrying out the work of the French Revolution while executing people left and right). This gives the rulers the appearance of legitimacy. No ruler who rules purely out of bloodlust survives for long. Dracerler needs to be claiming that he's doing something good, that his genocide campaigns are for a good cause, and he needs to have at least partial support for that cause. That is not just a realistic ruler; that it a villain far scarier than your stereotypical "madman king who everyone hates".

Once again, I realize I'm coming across as very harsh and I apologize for that. I actually have to tear myself away from the end of each third chapter because I've been zipping through them so fast--I seriously want to keep on reading because I'm intrigued. You've a very good idea how to keep a plot moving forward at a snappy pace. Most stories I've read on YWS tend to either move too quickly, or drag (I confess myself guilty...). XQ, however, moves at a very natural pace and I never once have felt bogged down by anything. And I'm really glad that you're avoiding the stereotypical "poor cheap Tolkein imitation" purple prose that seems so rife in epic fantasy these days. In fact, your language is in the complete opposite direction, being matter of fact at a surface glance but containing some very poetic images. I rhapsodized at length about your description of the sun rising on the plain--and for a very good reason. I'm seriously considering stealing your imagery skills as of now.

And Merenor and Xavier's interaction...I love it. Their mutual snark is a joy to read and I found myself laughing out loud at parts. I do have to warn, like Karsten did, about how Merenor tends to be a deus ex machina, but I think you already realize it. His characterization, however, is spot on. He's saracstic and flippant on the outside but has a layer of depth, wisdom, sadness, and even ruthlessness to him. If you can make all your characterizations as mutlifaceted as Merenor's, I'd say you're golden.

And lastly, I love the original aspects to your worldbuilding. The land does have an air of "generic fantasyland" to it, but you have quite a knack for coming up with creatures--the wolves, for example and the pacnata.

I'll try to get to the next part as soon as I can, no promises though. Meanwhile, PM me with questions/comments/concerns.

Yeah, I've fixed the killing part. This time, he just blindly lashes out and catches the man in the stomach, not trying to kill him.

And fixing King Dracerler is on my to-do list for the story, just not at the top for the moment.

If it's possible to get away with Xavier not killing the guy at all, or not knowing that he killed the guy, that would be all the better.

You probably should make redoing King Dracerler one of the highest items on your to do list, because a story comes just as much from the antagonist as it does the protagonist. If you have a weak antagonist, the story's entire conflict suffers. (something I've learned to my detriment XD)

Bickazer wrote:You probably should make redoing King Dracerler one of the highest items on your to do list, because a story comes just as much from the antagonist as it does the protagonist. If you have a weak antagonist, the story's entire conflict suffers. (something I've learned to my detriment XD)

Yeah, Dracerler's up there, but there are other things too. Like finishing all my revisions. There's about 10 gaps in the story.