Young Writers Society

Thankyou for all who have critiqued.

Now go to Scars That Don't Heal for the recently re-written kind of version.

I'll start reading it now; I will post a critique/review later on when I can.

Okay....the story was good. I honestly didn't see anything that really needed to be fixed story-wise or characterization-wise; both were fine. Dialogue fit the story pretty well too.

Overall, its a good start. I'm interested in the next part, whenever it comes out...

Part 2...
The second half of the original part one i uploaded.

I decided to wait for a while before i continued with this. I've asked heaps of people to crit - waiting for them on the first 2 before i re-upload these.

I'm just asking for a few comments and stuff on the first 2. Detailed it doesn't have to be.

Please can you just review the first 2? Seperately is way easier than combining it as some have done. Because then you don't bother with over half and that kind of defeats the point of even reviewing it.

Sorry to be a bit mean or snappy or whatever - but don't begin a review then never end... if you do it in the 2 parts it's so much easier and i didn't expect all 4 to be done - just one or two would be fine. So i've deleted these 2 parts because nobody is going to review them anyway.

Hope you like the first 2 parts.

Well, the story's progressing very well...

But what I can say is that if you're having trouble with what comes next, take time off. Write another story; I'm writing two novels at the same time right now, and I'm always having short story ideas pop up in my head. Take your time. Really think out what you want to have happen.

You can always change your mind later, but in all seriousness, don't panic if you can't figure out what comes next right away. Once you have it figured out, it then feels really good to write that next part down.

So there you have it. The story's good so far; I'm impressed. (not that I'm the best writer there is, of course. Quite far from it.)

Niccy_V,

You have a pretty good start here. I like it a lot, even if the whole ‘cheating’ thing is terribly cliché. I’m going to follow what you wanted to critique, so just hang in there. I might get a bit harsh, but I’m not known for that.

PLOT DEVELOPMENT: As I said, your story is coming along nicely. Everything is happening smoothly, and nothing is majorly bugging me.

CHARACTERIZATION: This is where you need the most work, I think. It’s Bryn that needs some work. He’s the ‘zomgoshiluvdatkidcuzhespurrrfect’ kinda guy. We don’t like that. That’s called cliché, and writers try to avoid it. Clichés are used way too much, and they get terribly hold. No one likes them. Bryn is one character that has been used over and over. Work on him. Why is he different than any other perfect boyfriend in the world?

BELIEVABLITY: This I couldn’t find any faults for. Everything really seemed like something that would happen in real life, so no complaints there. Your writing is superbly written. Tension and cliffhangers you’ve got down.

LANGUAGE: Er… I’m guessing you mean dialog? It was pretty good, but still try and work on Bryn. He’s too perfect. Make him have something that no other character has had, or will ever have. Make him unique.

OVERLY: It was good, but not my favorite subject matter. Cheating boyfriends and gay friends aren’t my definition of a great story, but that’s just me. This story is insanely long, so don’t count on me to critique the whole thing. It’s 55 pages (-,-) and that will take forever to critique. I’m sorry, but I just wanted to show you that you needed to work on just that little part, and this’ll be good.

I have attached a line-by-line critique of the first part.

Keep writing,

-Jared

bahaha my formatting says 34. So sorry.
Knock off the first 2 parts please and i really do not mind the last half at all. As long as half is critiqued.... I'm all good. Thankyou so much.

He's not gay sorry but um, he wasn't meant to be....
Er yes i agree Bryn is too perfect. I will change him, i never liked him in the first place but when i was writing it i just wanted to write that sort of character. Ah well. I'll get the delete button to him.

Heads up: I've done a few pages so far, but it's looooong so I'll do a little each day until it gets done.

~JFW1415

I've done chapter one so far =] I'll add another reply with chapter 2 when I'm finished with it.
Plot development
it is high school drama yeah =] that's not always a bad thing. I like that it's not just about her and her boyfriend, her sister is a more original twist on the same old cliche thing. I like where it's going.
Characterisation (can you imagine these characters? Are they strong? What can i improve on?)
Jess: believable, realistic teenage girl. I can't go wrong here. Drew is pretty good too =] I'd like him better if he was gay ^^' cus then he doesn't have some agenda, but I guess that could be interesting. Bronte is sweet too, an older sister figure, but I would like to see more emotional development of her regarding her illness. The only character who was a bit difficult for me was Bryn - first he's the perfect guy (which is a bit cliche) and then he's a total jerk, which is a bit of a leap. Maybe it would have been more realistic if he'd been quite drunk at the party rather than just picking her randomly. Then in the bedroom when they have that angry conversation he was such a jerk, he just proved he was awful and he didn't even want her back - which was kind of weird. Why even bother to go over to her house like that if he thought all those things? I think it should either be that she goes to see him, only for him to tell her he's not interested any more, or he's a bit more calm and collected when he goes to see her.

Believability (this probably can't happen in real life but under the general line this story takes hold of, and follows, are these events 'real'? Or is this just a jumbled up mess I should throw under the bed?)
Yeah this all seems quite real =] the only part that was a bit out there was the party, everyone was so crazy ^^' I can't speak from a lot of experience here, but they were totally wild. Especially in someones house, I don't think everyone would be rolling all over the kitchen floor! And the make-out scenes between Jess and Bryn was a bit squicky, I was kind of grossed out reading it. I'm not against sexual content in books at all, I guess it was all a bit snogging and kissing necks and stuff (especially in front of Bronte! Ew ;_; poor Bronte) - then again teenagers are a bit like that, from my experience.


Language (Appropriate? *shudders* i am aware some bits are just way off into fantasy land and i go way over the top he he)
The only problem I saw I wrote in the detailed thing =] some weird ye olde speak and obscure slang. Most of it's good.

Overly How does it go? Honesty please - It's far from perfect but as a start...
I like how this is going =] I normally have problems with these stories, I find them pretty dull a lot of the time, but this one wasn't so bad! I don't mean to sound harsh, I mean it when I say I like it. Even if the story genre isn't my thing, the voice you have is nice and easy to get through.

Like I said, I'll get on to chapter 2 when I have some more time! R x

Yeah it was like ... midnight to 3am some parts and i go way over the top.

Now, i DID edit it, and i have absolutely NO idea why so many errors show up in some of those... hm. I editited it thoroughly, but i am Australian so no realization, realize like it's S not Z so those, that did come up heaps, i ignored.

Thankyou for all your critique.

(In order to get points for the attached critique, I'm posting what I wrote in the actual document here.)

The promised critique:

Before I Read

Hey niccy_v! Jelly here. So, I finally finished reformatting this (I am extremely picky when it comes to critiquing.) As of now, it is 55 pages – let's see how long it is when I'm through. XD

Oh, and I see some British spellings in here, so just ignore me if I correct one. Though maybe I can reset my dictionary…? Nope, don't know how. So I'll just correct everything I see, even if I know it's British, 'kay?

Oh, and I'm harsh, so be warned. XD

*Dies* Do you know how long it took me to do just a spell-check on this thing? I really hope that all of those are British spellings, 'cause that was ridiculous. (Oh, and I will double-check spellings as I read through to catch mistakes like where/were.)

After I Read

*Shrugs* Decent, but several things need work:

Capital Letters

Lets get this straight, shall we?

My mom = lowercase.

Mom = uppercase.

My mom = identifying her as yours.

Mom = using it as a name.

Make sense?

Too Over-the-top Too Soon

We just met these people – we don't know them at all. So when they suffer a messy break up or the sister's dying or they want to throw a huge party for her, guess what? I don't care.

And that's the worse thing that can happen. When a reader doesn't care about your characters, she doesn't care about the story. And if she doesn't care about the story, what reason does she have to continue reading?

Start out slow. Let us see good times with Bryn and Drew becoming jealous (if he does like her? It wasn't clear at all), bad times with him comforting her. Let us see Bronte going through a good day and bad days, and let us see her get so fed up that she's sick. (It's bound to happen, right? And it'll give us more clues on her personality.) Show us Lockie and Bonte together as friends clearly meant to be more.

Character History

This one actually relates to the previous section a lot, so make sure you read that first.

So, the best way for me to describe character history is how I explained it to Conrad – relating it to myself. I had a terrible father. Because of that, I look away when there's a touching 'father-daughter' moment on a movie/song, don't hug people, have extremely low self-extreme, feel uncomfortable saying 'I love you,' am afraid of men, etc. All of that is obvious – you won't necessarily know my whole life story by looking at me, but you can tell some man screwed me up. (No, I wasn't sexually assaulted, but I kind of had the same reaction.)

Your characters will be great practice for you to do this with – at least Bronte and Jess. Think about it – how'd they grow up?

Bronte: In a hospital, facing death since she was young.

Jess: Dealing with a dying sister.

So how's that affect them? Does Bronte hate the smell of disinfectant because it reminds her of the hospital? Does Jess hesitate to bring people over because of Bronte – not wanting to make her jealous, or not wanting them to feel uncomfortable? How are both of them with the subject of death?

People's pasts shape who they are today. Show that with all your characters, make them feel real.

Character Interaction

Again, this goes with the last two.

I can't see how these characters know each other. Think about how you speak to your best friend, an acquaintance, a crush, and a stranger. They all differ, correct? Same here.

Show us who likes who, who's friends with who, who's related to who. Parents ask embarrassing questions. Sisters tease. Boyfriends flatter. Friends joke. True, those are all stereotypes, but you can make them feel real – just give the characters personalities. Show us how they all know each other, though.

Remember, they've know each other years before the first word.

Atmosphere

This is what really hurt your story: you had no atmosphere!

Go to any room/outdoors. What are the first things you notice? Lets see:

- Color tone. Warm, happy colors, dreary colors, nature colors, vibrant colors.
- Indoors/outdoors.
- Smells. Good or bad? Delicious? Smoke?
- Lighting. Dark? Bright? Natural or light bulbs, or even fire?
- Temperature. Only extremes with this one, really. If it's suddenly super nice, or if it's cold, or if it's hot. People typically don't notice normal weather.
- Occupancy. Is it crowded? Animals or humans? Male or female? Drunk? Close together or far apart?
- Noise level. Blaring music? Loud voices? A hush over the room? Awkward silence? Birds chirping? Fire crackling?

That's what you need to slip into your story. Show how it feels to be in a party, with the close pressed bodies and sweat and loud music, then show the difference when we go outside – cooler, quieter, more space – then show the sense of relief and safety when we get in Drew's car.

Quote Directions

Eh, this is kind of stupid one, but check it out, okay? They're backwards a lot.

Brand Names

If I say Converse, one hundred years from now no one will know what that is, right? And we read books that are that old all the time, so who's to say people won't read this in one hundred years?

Don't label things. It just ages your writing.

[[Now on to your requested topics, though I mainly already covered them:]]

Plot Development

Honestly? Slightly boring. You're rushing us too much into the middle of the story. This should be when I'm getting used to the story – let me. Let me get used to the characters and circumstances.

Characterization

If you give them their histories, they'll be fine. Right now they have no reason for anything they do. People can appear stereotypical, but if you show their histories you see that they aren't really like that. Do that. Show me why Bryan was perfect and then had a sudden jump to being a loser – make it make sense. If you can't? Fix it around so it does make sense.

Believability

The party for Bronte bothers me, a lot. I mentioned earlier that if you waited a little longer to drop that on us it'd be better, but it also needs to be toned down. If she can't go up the stairs, she can't handle the party as it is. And a telecast? Be realistic. Even with that program, it's a little extreme, especially at this point of the story.

Language

You slip into strange, fancy wordings at times. I pointed out some – you can find the rest.

Overall

Isn't this what all this was? XD Overall, it's a little too teen-angst for me. Make the characters more realistic, and fix the atmosphere so I feel like I'm there. Tons of stories are teen angst – all that matters is how well it's written.

Title

I actually like the title Relapse, and that could work here, but I'm not really sure. But it could suit your needs well? Either this could be the beginning of Bronte's relapse, or she could get better and fall into it during the story. Also, you can show a relapse in Jess's life – does she get back together with Bryn or someone like that? Just stuff like that. Teens repeat mistakes all the time, so it'd be pretty easy to make that title fit.

Last Notes

It's not that bad, honestly. Just look over my edits and rework this.

I just don't feel like going through three more parts doing the exact same thing. I kept my spell checks below, but I didn't make any other corrections. I want you to use this critique as an example for the rest and edit that. Once you do, I'll be more than happy to critique it for you.

PM me for anything at all, and I'm terribly sorry about the wait. Life's been a bit insane lately, so I've been really backed up. But I hope this helps a bit?

~JFW1415

JFW1415 - I have PM you about your review.
I am Australian so Z has no meaning in realize and specialize

Also, it's Drew not Dave

Everything you fixed seemed fairly good, and i have begun changing.

And center/centre - the document is saved under american so i swapped to Australian and center came up like centre did for American - wrong. For me center is centre. For you centre is center. Same word just diff spelling.

Thankyou again guys! It's brill all the reviews i got. I think i have donated to everyone

*Locked by Author's Request*