Young Writers Society

Hey guys I'm just gonna post the whole story (so far), hope you enjoy!
-dj

*Moved to Advanced Critiques*

Sorry, I've done that twice so far...

Hahaha... you mean you actually want me to critique it? Psh!

Oh, oh well, I'll do it. But! I want to warn you about something before you read my critique:

I am tough to please.

So yeah, I'm not pointing out the grammar, because somebody else can do that, but I will bug you about the actual story. I like the idea, but you can do sooooo many more things to make it more awesome. With that warning, I shall continue!

prologue:

Consider making less colloquial talk such as "I know what your thinking... what the hell is he talking about?" Instead, don't address the reader. I think your constant addressing of the reader, the acknowledgment that your reader exists, is actually hurting your story. For me, I like being led to a story, and I really do forget that I exist when I read a good story. When you say, "you know," breaks the spell for me.

In fact, I don't think you need the prologue. I think you can dump us in the first chapter, tension. All you have to do is say, "I walked through her dream," or something of the nature. We readers are smarter than writers generally make us out to be.

tension:

I think you need to make it have more tension, lol. Dreams can be really really freaky and awesome and I think you should take advantage of it. Put more description of the dream and make it more WILD! For instance, here's an excerpt from my story:

She had the strangest dream. There were streams of colorful ribbons, all circling around her and she ran, trying to catch them all. But they moved too quickly and, though her fingers grazed their edges, they would jump away before she caught any of them. But she kept leaping and leaping, trying to catch the ribbons, until at last she found that she was high above the treetops, the lovely blue lake just below her. But this didn’t frighten her at all and she jumped and grabbed on to the closest bunch of ribbons that she could find. They were blue and brown and such a lovely green that they made the earth fall away and suddenly the freak was surrounded by darkness, save for the shining ribbons in her hand. And, as she watched, the ribbons twined around her hands and her body until finally she was wrapped in shining ribbons of so many bright colors that it blinded her and they became white.

Everything was white.

And then, just as darkness swirled around the edges and the colors were beginning to come back again, a shriek burst the dream.

So you see, that's a relatively simple idea for a dream, but you see how I dramatized it and described it as much as I could? You need to do that as well. Sell it! This is your idea... you have to make it as appealing as possible. And you have even more of conflict in the dream! A guy is approaching a girl with a dagger! Instead of telling us, "Usually they freak out," you can describe how the narrator, the dream catcher, is tensing up, ready for her to scream. And, because of your description of the dream, we will be floored and wonder why she's doing this. You don't have to tell us.

And the ending! You left us on a cliffhanger and then...

confusion and clouds:

...you left us on a new chapter? WTF? It was so random! One moment you have this dramatic, exciting moment with a dagger and a girl WHO SAW THE DREAM CATCHER!!! I mean, that's some pretty dramatic stuff. We KNOW that dream catchers are not supposed to be seen, and then BAM! She sees him! And omg! Tension!

But the next part fails to deliver. If she puts him in this dream, you have to give us some clue. I mean, you could say something like, "He felt a rush past his ears and suddenly he was walking down a street in a calm daydream." (Except, obviously in first person instead, lol.) That would be a clue and we wouldn't feel let down by the cliffhanger like we do now.

And wtf? He's a dream catcher! I've had dreams that I've fallen through clouds... I would expect that he's seen people fall through the clouds as well. I don't see why he would be scared about this, save for the fact that she's taking control of him now.

sky surfing:

Er... I know I said I didn't want to critique grammar, but you need to put quotes around their dialogue

And it still doesn't make sense that he doesn't know about sky surfing, before she points it out to him. *twitches and convulses*

come and get me:

Wait... so she's wearing weird clothes and then asks him to come and get her? What? That doesn't seem to be her character. The conflict seems to be contrived or going to fast... I would reckon on the latter. I think you need to put more dreams before this conflict.

chasing:

That's a lame dream, actually, and you really need to describe the dreams more prettily. And the conflict is still very confusing. You need to slow down the pace and let us know who the girl is and give us a better foundation before running in this conflict. It's very confusing.




So...

Describe your dreams more thoroughly.

Don't rush to your conflict.

Let us get to know your characters better.

Hope that helps!

Okay, thanks a lot. That helps so I'm going to edit. And for the conflict, the girl wasn't herself. She was going to be the person who is messing with the dreams, she kind of has multiple personalities. But I'll go put more detail and excitingness(new word! lol). Be ready for a rewrite!

Okay editing is harder then I thought. I have to take a break for a while. I'll be back later bye!