Young Writers Society

Story is as follows in all of its simplicity:

A bunch of young college musicians form a band, and the rest is history; they try to achieve musical perfection, they hit a lot of problems, etc. Not an action-paced book or a thriller. More contemporary than anything else.

And by the way, if I post the attachment the wrong way, inform me. I don't want to be a dumb posting noob that don't know what he's doing...

Hey there

I did download this... and I'm working through it :p (I usually give a lot of detail on advanced critiques). This is my way of saying if I take too long, you have permission to spam me with pm's until I get it done.

You probably shouldn't bother...I've dropped the piece and I'm not quite sure what I'm writing right now...

WHY DID YOU DROP IT ?? I critiqued it anyway, because it is a nice foundation for a story ! continue it, seriously

Hey there Krupp!

Haha, I guess the upgrades that I had to my computer really improved a lot of things. So, before I give you my critique I'll tell you that I won't finish this fast, if anything, I should be done by Monday because I don't have school. So, you're not getting rid of me till the end. ^_^

Anyways, on to the critique

We were driving through the mountains, cruising at about fifty-eight in a thirty-five zone. It was just me and Jessie Portwood, flying in an old Jeep, bouncing on occasional potholes, both of us smoking Marlboros as the afternoon heat baked us over.

This was a really decent chapter opener, it pulled me in immediately so good job on that.

I should have been sitting down with my seatbelt on, but Jessie had claimed earlier that few cops ever came driving down this road. “It’s private property,” Jessie had claimed.

I think this last sentence would sound better as "It's private property," he had said. And I think seatbelt is two words.

Thank God there had been no cars incoming from the road; Jessie didn’t even bother to look to see if anyone was coming towards us or not.

This was worded awkwardly. I think it would have to do with the words incoming and coming. I'd definitely reword this to make it more flowy.

Rachel laughed after a moment of staring at me. “You’re right.” She continued up the steps. That was it. I felt like I’d been quietly rejected.
So I went and fell back against the railing I had posted up against before. But I kept my eyes on Rachel as she spoke with Janice quickly, and hugged Jessie enthusiastically as if they were old friends. I noted the grin on Jessie’s face; it got bigger when he glanced my way, noting how I was studying Rachel. He winked at me as her back was turned.
“Well, if you’ll excuse me,” Rachel said to us all. “I’ve got to go get ready for work.”
And she left. I made a note to myself that I would have to speak with Jessie about Rachel later. That girl was smooth. And interesting. And I couldn’t take my mind off of her for the rest of the duration we spent at Janice’s.

I'd go into more detail about that. I mean why would he be interested in a girl he hardly knew and they really didn't speak to each other. So a little more detail on that wouldn't hurt.

He didn’t try to argue it. He was too busy humming the song under his breath. I got myself another cigarette as we drove off back the way we came, headed in the direction towards home. My mind was clear, and my heart content. This break was going to be a good one. I could just tell.

A really great way to end this chapter! You seem to be really good at this opening/ending thing so I do not doubt that this is going to be a good story. ^_~

Overall Thoughts

I liked this and it was really smooth and laidback. It wasn't flashy and the characters were believable. One thing that I would suggest is that you give more detail. Everything went by too fast and I feel some details and descriptions would alleviate that feel.

All in all, I'll be back,

~Angel

Thanks for reading it. I've picked the project back up, for anyone who read my earlier statement and decided not to get into it...I'll be posting the rest of the story in this thread, starting with chapter 5, which is where I stopped posting on YWS. I'm up to 254 pages now, and I expect I shall be done with it before the summer; or maybe not. I've been working on this stupid book for almost a whole year now.

Thanks again.

Here I am again!

This is really going slower than I thought. Finals really do take away from my reviewing time, but anyways off to the critique.

Or maybe he had finished it; I hadn’t planned on coming home early. It was eleven at night. Maybe he’d been in a good mood; enough to feed the son that wasn’t his blood.

I didn't like that underlined sentence. It just seemed like it was put in there and it messed up the flow with everything because I was getting into it and then wham! It's good to know about the MC but don't push the information upon us like that, smooth it out and let it come natural.

There were some other times when you did this:

As I popped my head into the dining room, I saw Grant, my little half-brother, still in high school, finishing up his dinner and cleaning the table.

But just because Marvin spoke softer tones did not mean that he wasn’t a tough guy. The man had seen service in the military since he had been twenty. He’d retired as a colonel in the marines three weeks before him and mom got married. He was lonely, and bored from retirement, and she had just divorced my real Dad…
The rest, they say, is history. Grant had been conceived, and I’d sat by, watching my family grow once more, with different rules and regulations in the house.

Too much info dumping for me. I mean, it's okay to round out the step-father if he's going to be a major part in the story but if he's not, just a couple of good sentences will do and then we can just move on.

“Why does it matter?” I had indeed been planning on it. Guitar was a daily task for me, and it was one I looked forward to.

I think this sentence will do without the underlined bit.

“Maybe you should think more about having a good time in life than just doing what dad

I thought he didn't call him dad. Try "Maybe you should think more about having a good time in life instead of doing what you're told."

Posters covered almost every scrap of the walls; I even managed to tag a bit of the ceiling with a few. All pictures of heroes of the musical revolution; from the sixties to even the modern day heroes. Tom Morello hung above my bed, like Jesus might’ve been hung up in another household. To Tom’s left, my computer desk contained several pictures of friends from the past, as well as an assortment of writing utensils and notes.

I loved this paragraph.

Not even the insistent knocking on my door, which was no doubt Grant trying to get me to quit it. He could only dream. I know I was dreaming; eyes shut, music became everything to me. It was all I could hear, all I could see, all I could feel.

Great way to end this.

Overall Thoughts

I think you did what you do good in this chapter. You made the MC's character come out and we got a sense of what he's like at home and really I think that this was a filler chapter. Most filler chapters go on and on and on but you start it good and end it good. Just pay attention to not info dumping too much or if you do, a couple of sentences will suffice.

All in all, good job.

I'll be back,

~Angel

My apologies for not posting anything else up...I've been way too busy as of late. I'm leaving for Israel tomorrow, and things are going to be nutty for the next six weeks, I'm sure. So I'll try to get chapter 5 and such posted up eventually in this thread.