Young Writers Society

EDIT:

FREAK is gone! I told you it was for a limited time only. Anyway, it's been downloaded 62 times and I've gotten nine critiques, so I am somewhat happy. If you are one of the people who, for some bizarre reason, had downloaded FREAK to your computer and have been working on a critique, feel free to post it. If you're one of the people who came here, hoping to read it, and are thusly disappointed, well... maybe it'll be published soon.

Thanks for everything!

ORIGINAL POST:

Okay. This is FREAK. The first seven chapters stink of suckitude, so I'm hoping to get a general comment on this before submitting it (I have fixed most everything else, I think). And, because I am lazy, I am posting it here, where I can put attachments.

So! What is it about?

When a freak living in an overcrowded slum is sold to a wealthy politician to be a maidservant of his teenage daughter Sadie, she expects life to be easier. But when she begins her service in the house, she quickly realizes she’s trapped within a feuding family. At first she tries to ignore this and continue her job in peace, but when she gets involved in an affair with the politician, the family, already divided, is torn apart. With politics becoming even more intense and Sadie’s impending marriage, it’s up to the freak to bring the family back together again, if she can.

The first seven chapters are about 13K words all together. Also, this is in manuscript format. All things that are underlined would be, in the novel, italicized.

Thanks a lot in advance!

EDIT:

Bam! It's gone!

ORIGINAL POST:

By popular request, here it is in .rtf form. Unzip it to see it!

Hello, good and faithful YWS piggy, or Snoink for short. Let's see what wonderful piece of work you present to the site today. *reads*

Chapter 1

There had been another dog tag also, with information about the orphanage she lived in, but the headmistress had since taken it off.

Delete that first comma. It's not needed. ^_^

Then, once more, she turned to the mirror.

She looked good.

"Good" doesn't belong. You underline it to emphasis what you mean. Would "great" work better?

He does not want to wait inside, so you will meet him outside. You have two minutes to be outside.”

That's a bit irritating. XD He does not want to wait inside, so you will meet him outside. You have two minutes to get there. A bit blunt, but it's not annoying repetition.

It was quiet.
She expected the other freaks to come to see her for the last time, but it was quiet and no one came.

You could probably replace one with "silent" and it won't be repetitive.

Chapter 2

They were ugly buildings with peeling white paint, crammed so close together that she wondered if the people there leapt through each others’ windows, just to say hello.

None of those commas are necessary. ^_^

She leaned closer to the window, letting her breath fog it up.

“[s]And[/s] what is that smell?”

[s]And[/s] instead of a peeling white paint, the walls were made up of rich maple panels, decorated by pictures of bright antique airplanes, swirling in lovely blue skies.

Chapter 3

What a stupid woman, your owner was.

Purple was everywhere, in the carpet, in the curtains, on the walls--even the wood furniture was stained a deep wine red.

I'd replace that first comma with a colon because you're listing what's all purple.

Chapter 4

“I’m sorry, Miss.”

“Really. Except my father stopped me before I actually got a chance to go too far.”

...a cast-away of society, an untouchable

Castaway is one word. ^_^

Chapter 5

The freak would wake up early to the sound of birds, and stretch...

Comma here isn't necessary. ^_^

Only after she watched the sun stream away would she would get up, straightening the room for the morning.

Delete one of them. It's your choice

I can’t do much for you now, unfortunately, but here’s a box of chocolates.

Chapter 6

“Oh, this is much too much for our dear Sarah!

Was this intentional? =/

Chapter 7

You know that as well as I do!”

That was really good, Snoink! I really enjoyed that! There's really nothing to discuss. It was a lovely story and you better PM me when you have more. It was wonderful. I found very few things to worry about. It was very easy to read. You kept me reading through and through. I wasn't bored at all. Bravo!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Wow.

That was mesmerizing. I couldn't tear my eyes away from it.

Outstanding. I couldn't find any mistakes, either.

Have you finished this story? Are you going to post any more of it?

This is an excellent read

I do want more - and, wow - I'm starting to sound like the Freak :O

Cheers!

- jai -

At last! Something in this section I can really sink my teeth into! Can't speak as to when I'll be done, but would you prefer a posted or PMed critique?

gyrfalcon wrote:At last! Something in this section I can really sink my teeth into! Can't speak as to when I'll be done, but would you prefer a posted or PMed critique?

Either. I don't really care. ^_^

And thanks for the critiques so far! I don't know when/if more is getting posted since I'm really really close to sending it in. But we'll see!

Sending it in? Congrats, Snoink! XD After all those Away messages saying "Editing FREAK, but what did you expect?"

I don't know if it's just me, but I felt really sad. Turmoiled. Kind of annoyed. Because "the freak" is her name, and while I read the story there was a little storm inside me going, "We're all freaks, aren't we?"

I think you really matched the voice. Congrats on the voice. At first, I was like, "Wow. This doesn't sound like Snoink's usual voice," because you deal more into feelings and complexity [to my opinion]. I liked the simplicity. I liked the way you didn't really let us in to her thoughts.

What confused me was that she wasn't really a freak by definition. Well, my definition. XD It seemed the only reason she was a freak was because she didn't speak and she's pretty ignorant. I was thinking, raving lunatic or something as a freak.

I love it, Snoink. I want the rest of the story. :] which might be too much to ask.

Oh my god. I was so sad when the story ended. I kept searching the document, hoping it continued
There were like, no errors in the whole thing. Just a few commas and such.
I loved how Sadie liked the Freak, and how she didn't want her to die.
Questions to remain though. What does Freak look like? Why is she a Freak? How is she ugly? And is she yellow like a caucasion person, or like a school bus?
LOVED IT. LOVED IT LOVED IT LOVED IT. Does is continue?

Green = Comment
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

Ch. 1

It sounded like another little rebellion [s]began[/s] had begun, this time in the kitchen.

^^^ See quote

You have two minutes to be outside.

Maybe: You have two minutes to get out. [Avoiding repetition]

Ch. 2

And instead of [s]a[/s] peeling white paint [...]

^^^ See quote

"What do you want?" she began to ask.

Sounds rude to her master.

"She is. But she's a freak"

'is' supposed to be: has

Ch. 3

This was the only color in the room besides purple [...]

Consider: These were the only other colors in the room [...]

Ch. 4

But I digress.

'digress' or 'disagree'?

Ch. 5

After some struggle, she slid it open and crept out into the balcony [...]

Does she know what a balcony is? If not perhaps describe it through her eyes so the reader and the freak find out it's a balcony together?

Whenever he walked by, the forest throbbed with so many different colors that at first the freak thought the forest was alive.

Beautiful image here!

[...] cocking his head at first the freak and the the breadcrumbs [...]

Re-arrange words to flow better.

"The Badger that Never Cried."

If the freak can't read how does she know the title of the book? Or is the reader told this from Sadie's POV?

Ch. 7

You remember that boy who was shot?

Don't you mean 'beaten'?

*

Hello, Snoink!

I remember reading this ages ago and love how colour seem to fascinate the freak.

It's strange that Sadie hates her father, one reason being the arranged marriage, yet she doesn't speak ill of the mother who humiliates her—especially in front of a freak.

I didn't have much else to pick out, thought the freak curtsying repeatedly got annoying—was that intended?

Good luck getting this published!

Myth

Snoink wrote: Chapter One

The headmistress had gone off on an excursion to find her some clothes that were modest enough for someone not normal,

- Would “not normal” work better as “abnormal”? Or is this a word she wouldn’t know?

Snoink wrote:It sounded like another little rebellion began, this time in the kitchen.

- I thought the original rebellion was also in the kitchen?

Snoink wrote:It was bright and happy and reminded her of all the other freaks who lived there. They were yellow too.

- Why had she not been yellow also? Or at least, why were the others yellow when she wasn’t? I was of the impression that all freaks there were treated the same, as in were all of the same condition.

Snoink wrote: She guessed the headmistress had put them down.

- Uhh, down *where*? It sounds like she killed them. xD

Chapter Two

Snoink wrote:…crammed so close together that she wondered if the people there leapt through each others’ windows, just to say hello.

– sweet thought.

Snoink wrote:After all, those were pretty colors and if he were rich, why wouldn’t he buy pretty things?

- Childishly perfect. Nice.

Snoink wrote:Perhaps he was in a rose car. She smiled.

– I love how she merely changes her thought pattern to make herself feel better.

Snoink wrote:The freak jumped and shrunk back into her seat. “Nothing, sir.” He frowned and turned away. She didn’t dare move.

– Is “shrunk” perhaps better as “shrank”?

Snoink wrote: The freak hung her head down and stared at the floor. She was mortified.

- I can’t help but find it slightly odd that she doesn’t mind whatever else happens to her, but she is mortified about something her headmistress put in her hair? Then again, I understand this is the first thing he mentioned.

Chapter Three

Snoink wrote:“Your owner must have hated you. Here.” She picked up the dress and tossed it in the fire.

– by heavens, it’s a magically appearing *lit* fire! ^.~

Snoink wrote:“Don’t be sorry. Just do what I say.”

– I’m liking Elsa more and more. ^^

Snoink wrote:The freak shivered and turned away, her eyes drifting to the large bookcases housing volumes and volumes of books. This was the only color in the room besides purple…

– and the white.

Chapter Four

Snoink wrote:Except my father stopped me before I actually got a chance to go too far.”

You have never seen it, therefore it doesn’t exist. You aren’t a freak.”

- Hahaha, I like the philosophy.

Chapter Five

Snoink wrote:As far as she was concerned, this was the most idiotic story ever written and she wondered why Sadie was wasting her time on it.

- Don’t give her Wind in the Willows then. :p

Chapter Six

Snoink wrote: They were there for an hour before Sadie’s father finally rushed in, a briefcase tucked neatly under his arm. Both of the ladies stood and the freak, who was already standing, curtseyed to him. He blinked as he saw the food. “I told you I would be late.”
“Yes,” Sadie’s mother snapped. “I thought you would only be an hour late, two at the most. You’re three hours overdue.”

- Slightly confusing, you say “they were there for an hour” but he’s three hours late? Were Sadie and Beth late too?



I love this, and I can’t wait to see more. ^^ I know this is more of a commentary than a critique, hopefully I’ve helped in some small way though. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Thanks for all your comments! ^_^

And I just looked here and I found that FREAK's been downloaded 46 times and only had nine comments or so (some have been through PM). If you've read it, please comment! I don't care about whether the grammar is perfect or not... even just an observation about a character or two would be amazingly helpful to me at the moment! And yes, you may think it's not going to be helpful, but actually some of the most helpful comments have been the ones that are considered unhelpful. So don't be afraid to respond!

Plus, I'll give you some points...

Wow snoink! When I read this, I was think this is FREAKing awesome! The way you write everything made it flow so well! When will the next part come along? I'm itching for more please post it! You're a great writer, don't let anyone tell you you're not.

Just one thing, be careful not to start almost every paragraph with a noun.

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Eeep! Snoink, this is lovely! I haven't finished it yet, but I'm on page 40 and it's so poignant of beautiful and i just LOVE it! the scene where the father almost made Sadie shoot the freak really got me. That was so BEAUTIFULLY done. And it also illustrated kind of some similarites between the father and Sadie, which was awesome. I can't wait to read more! Maybe I'll mark up your manuscript with some comments and then email it to you, is that okay?

Next time, please put page numbers in to make it less confusing lol

This bugged me:

'She was holding a colorful book in her hand that said, “The Badger that Never Cried.”'

If she can't read, how does she know what it says?

This was really good. The scene when she was going to be shot, and when Sadie started screaming at her was brilliant. That was really really really good!

Aargh... I was looking forward to reading this-sos sad to see it gone.