Every desire It was never an addiction. It was only a desire to remove Emptiness. It was only a desire to forget. It was only a desire to heal, Turned to an inability to move forward.
”Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards (so you might as well do Duolingo ).”
Was ailah2005 Then AilahEvelynMae and is now EllieMae
It was only my mothers blood on the carpet, Because i had already died, years ago. She never rocked me as a baby, Instead she left me to explore the limits And creativity Of my own mind. How far was i willing to go To feel like someone loved me? As i got older, the idea of who loved me diminished And rather, it was the idea of how much i felt wanted. I turned to anyone who was willing to Spare some change, spare some time, Spare some touch, Spare an ounce of love. I grew, like the raspberry bushes and banana trees In my grandparents yard. And when their grey hairs spread over Their entire scalps, I also felt old, on the inside. I had been told that i was mature For my entire life. But the little girl who hated hugs, Grew into a woman too afraid to say no And too desperate to admit That i would say yes to anyone Who tried to love me. So really, i was alive but not living. My blood had already been spilled And i had already atoned for my own sins, As a babe. It was only my mothers blood on the carpet. Only hers, and never mind.
”Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards (so you might as well do Duolingo ).”
Was ailah2005 Then AilahEvelynMae and is now EllieMae
Today I realized that you Have spent thousands of dollars, To make me feel safe. My entire childhood, I felt unsafe with you. And so, today, I finally realized, You are trying to rescue the little girl you never saved. You are trying to show me that you are changed. You are trying to make me forget, or move on, Or understand, that the monster in my closet is finally dead.
And so here i am, With everything you have ever given me. And i still feel broken, because every cent you have Is not of equal worth of the fragments of my Shattered, aching, little lonely heart That you crushed with your own hands.
I feel like i am saying hello to the beginning of my life. Ill be nineteen in four days and i am still scared of the dark Every single night, because all the things i cannot see Remind me of all the things I cannot control. And for my entire life, That was You.
And i love you So much that it hurts. But i also remember that past And that is a different type of hurt. Its a hurt that lasts forever. While love only lasts until i forget you.
”Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards (so you might as well do Duolingo ).”
Was ailah2005 Then AilahEvelynMae and is now EllieMae
What i want to say, is that I forgive you. I forgive every unforgivable person you were And every unlovable person who you screamed at me For not loving. My heart has been mended, Only to be broken a thousand times again. But maybe that is life. And maybe thats what makes being alive A journey that is worth living. I will never be a stereotype Because of the hell you put me though And the woman your trauma has allowed me to become. What i really want to say, Is thank you for hurting me, i guess.
”Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards (so you might as well do Duolingo ).”
Was ailah2005 Then AilahEvelynMae and is now EllieMae
All i want, is to be a writer. I want to write words that heal pains That are labelled as eternal. I want to foster emotions, deep in my heart, Which inspire me to keep going. Every page i turn is a heartbeat That is keeping me alive. And every poem i finish Is a breath of air to my lungs. All i want is to be a writer. All i want is freedom to speak the words I am too afraid to speak. Because my words always fall short, Unless its poetry.
”Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards (so you might as well do Duolingo ).”
Was ailah2005 Then AilahEvelynMae and is now EllieMae
I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though. — Holden Caulfield
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