Young Writers Society

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

An Australian prison guard held hostage for two days was released after a ransom demand for pizzas was met.

Up to 20 inmates at the Risdon Prison in Hobart, Tasmania, seized the guard in a protest over conditions in the maximum security jail.

Initially they made 24 demands to authorities, but eventually gave up their hostage after agreeing to 15 pizzas, Coke and garlic bread instead.

"At midnight, the final sticking point with the inmates was that they were requiring pizzas to be delivered. Our staff member was negotiated out with the delivery of 15 pizzas," Graeme Barber, Tasmania's director of prisons, told The Advocate newspaper.

The guard is recovering from his ordeal at home.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In the window of an Oregon general store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission.

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants, please stay in your car.

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation." (Perhaps he meant running.)

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

"Experienced supervisor, defective with both rookies and seasoned professionals."

"Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"I’m extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

Robin: Gays are wrong!
Me: Why? (shuffles uncomfortably)
Robin: Because they're unatural, everyone says so!
Me: So is polyester, but I don't see you complaining about that.
Robin:... Yeah, but it's still wrong!

Calvin: Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
Dad: That’s all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.
Calvin: Where does the sun go when it sets?
Dad: The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. That’s why the rocks there are so red.
Calvin: Don’t the people get burned up?
Dad: No, the sun goes out as it sets. That’s why it’s dark at night.
Calvin: Doesn’t the sun crush the whole state as it lands?
Dad: Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun’s just about the same size.
Calvin: I thought I read that the sun was really big.
Dad: You can’t believe everything you read, I’m afraid.

Calvin: How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn’t they have color film back then?
Dad: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It’s just that the world was black and white then. The world didn’t turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
Calvin: But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn’t artists have painted it that way?
Dad: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Calvin: But… But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn’t their paints have been shades of gray back then?
Dad: Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the ’30s.
Calvin: So why didn’t old black and white photos turn color too?
Dad: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

Calvin: Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don’t understand why time goes slower at great speed.
Dad: It’s because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain more time, because it doesn’t take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you’re going west.

Calvin: Why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
Dad: If your lids weren’t closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would flop around and you’d have to point them with your hands to see anything.

Calvin: How do bank machines work?
Dad: Well, let’s say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and behind the machine there’s a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot.
Calvin: Sort of like the guy who lives up in our garage and opens the door?
Dad: Exactly.

Calvin: What causes the wind?
Dad: Trees sneezing.

Calvin: Why does ice float?
Dad: Because it’s cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer to the sun.
Calvin: Is that true?
Dad: Look it up and find out.
Calvin: I should just look up stuff in the first place.