Where in the Ground is Carmen Sandiego?
15 Year Crime Spree Ends at Texas Execution
AUSTIN, TEXAS-Despite a three-week vigil held by friends and numerous protests rallies held by her family and with opponents of capital punishment, criminal extraordinaire Carmen Sandiego was put to death last night by the Texas State Corrections Board.
"Her crime spree is over," said Texas Governor George W. Bush at a 12:15 AM press conference. "We can now be sure what we will never again taste her bitter brand of educational crime or have to live in the constant fear that one of her henchmen will steal a priceless family heirloom."
Sandiego, an orphan who spent most of her life at the Golden Gate Girls' School in San Francisco, trained to be a detective and was employed at the Acme Detective Agency by its founder, the Chief. There she became a fine agent.
However, Sandiego's dark side came out when "do-gooding" grew stale. She formed Villain's International League of Evil (VILE), a criminal group specializing in landmark larceny, and terrorized the world with her pilfering escapades. Since then, the innovative Broderbund Software Company has employed small children with almanacs to chase her around the country, around the world, and even through time.
Sandiego's most famous thefts include the Statue of Liberty, Mohandas Gandhi's glasses, and a 1994 Newberry Medal. Her crime spree came to a halt when she left the clue that she'd be in the major airport that serves a city known for its love of hockey. Interpol, with the help of two fifth-graders, quickly flew to Dallas-Fort Worth airport and captured the red-raincoat wearing vixen.
For their efforts, each student achieved "Super Sleuth" status and was awarded a pair of Reebok shoes, a trip to Busch gardens, and a fabulous topographical map featuring all the exciting places that education can take them.
After being tried and found guilty of over 135 counts of petty theft-a capital crime in Texas-Sandiego's constitutional rights were quickly dismissed and she was swiftly executed via firing squad after being denied a last meal and the right to a fair trial.
At the funeral, mourners took solace in music as Rockapella performed "Amazing Grace," "On Eagle's Wings," and several Better Than Ezra covers.
"I know somewhere she's still doing what she loves," said long-time "business associate" Thug #4. "Whether it's stealing the Devil's advocate, pilfering Jesus's Jesus fish, or even swiping the Mona Lisa's smile from that art gallery in the sky, I know she's causing pain and suffering. That's all that really keeps me going."
Many have wondered if denial of a stay of execution was a political maneuver on the part of Governor Bush, but he is adamant that his callous disregard for human life is genuine.
"Those allegations are ridiculous," said Bush. "Just look at my track record in Texas. I've executed men, women, and retards, no matter what the political situation is. They don't even have to be guilty. I'm an equal opportunity killer."
http://www.umich.edu/~uac/threeweeks/Vo ... armen.html
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