Young Writers Society

"They are the goons", replied the old man rather unwillingly. He looked straight in the map, trying to figure out something. Suddenly they heard a low growl, no, it wasn't their dog, and they turned in surprise to see a dreadful scene. A Goon!!! He was standing at the entrance of the Dark tunnel. His body was a kind too dark with some patches of green revealing out from the stomach. He wore some torn clothes painted with blood, had a blood-stained knife in his left hand and... And all above there were no eyes, instead there was an empty pit filled with moist blood. He again bellowed and ran towards the kids. The old man quickly took out a potion, a lush green kind and threw some on the figure. The knife dropped from his hands, he gazed hungrily straight towards James. In a few seconds, he fell down to his knees and with his mouth wide open, it twisted back like a maniac. And then..Then blood flowed out of his mouth. "Yuck!! That's gross." Emma cried and hid her eyes behind her trembling hands. The goon then dropped to the ground as a rotten leaf. James and another man went near it to check out if it had any "life" left. As James neared a little, the blood in the goon's eyes sparkled and in a fraction of second it held James tightly, with his nails piercing in his body. "Help" James cried frantically.
The man quickly took a brown shaft, a holy one and ran towards the goon. But it was too late; the goon had already pierced his teeth through his shoulder. The man quickly hit the goon with the shaft on his back. This time the goon rolled down, never to get up again. "Whew" James cried, trying to be brave and not show that how badly it was paining.

thanks a lot!!

Hey there, Horror. I'm here like I said, and I hope to make this quick.

My biggest beef with this excerpt is that it's that really on-the-fence type or horror writing that's trapped between child's horror (when Emma talks/the easy words and the writing style) and the adult horror with all the blood and gore and whatnots.

Your pace of the excerpt is easy to get lost in because you quickly jump from one action to the other, and not often smoothly. Try to smooth things over for me, alright? Also, your last sentence, I hate. "how badly it was paining" needs to change. Drastically.

Keep chill, and good luck writing~

"They are the goons", replied the old man rather unwillingly. He looked straight in at the map, trying to figure out something. Suddenly they heard a low growl, no, it wasn't their dog, and they turned in surprise to see a dreadful scene. A Goon!!! (I think this bit sounds quite ... informal and more suited to a verbal narration than a written one. Maybe if you were to describe how they looked first to the dog then realised it was not growling, or that the growl sounds unfamiliar and not dog-like, or something else to draw out the tension a little bit more.)
He was standing at the entrance of the Dark tunnel. His body was a kind too dark with some patches of green revealing out from the stomach. He wore some torn clothes painted with blood, had a blood-stained knife in his left hand and... And all above there were no eyes, instead there was were two an empty pits filled with moist blood. He bellowed again and ran towards the kids. The old man quickly took out a potion, a lush green kind and threw some (try to avoid this word - how much is "some"?) on the figure. The knife dropped from his (Which "he" is this?) hands, he gazed hungrily straight towards James. In a few seconds, he fell down to his knees and with his mouth wide open, it (I do not understand what the "it" is - is it the monster/his mouth/the knife?) twisted back like a maniac. And then..Then(Choose one of these -> "And then"/"Then". Try to avoid ellipsis in writing unless it is in characters' speech.) blood flowed out of his mouth. "Yuck!! That's gross." Emma cried and hid her eyes behind her trembling hands. The goon then dropped to the ground as like a rotten leaf. James andanother the other man went near it to check out if it had any "life" (you don't need these inverted commas) left. As James neared a little, the blood in the goon's eyes sparkled and in a fraction of second it held James tightly, with his nails piercing in his body. "Help," James cried frantically.
The man quickly took a brown shaft, a holy one and ran towards the goon. But it was too late; the goon had already pierced his teeth through his (whose?) shoulder. The man quickly hit the goon with the shaft on his back. (Did he hit him or stab him? Also, more detail in this bit would be nice.) This time the goon rolled down, never to get up again. "Whew," James cried, trying to be brave and not show that how badly it (what is "it") was paining.

I think what you have so far shows that you have an ability to create a sense of action, with this excerpt being quite fast-paced and dramatic, and that seems to be going quite well, although it needs a bit more detail, and sometimes you jump to fast from things so it gets confusing (especially some of the pronouns)

My issues with it are kind of similar to what Lumi said; I think there are some issues with tone - things like ellipsis and repeated exclamation marks that look like they should be adding to tension, but they are too conversational and don't really belong in written works =/

But I think this has potential to improve for sure if you just do things like expand on details and whatnot.
So, keep writing, and I will probably see you around the site in the future.