Young Writers Society

I've noticed in many of the short stories, novellas, and flash fictions I read by young authors (as in online authors), and even when I write myself, that suspense scenes and action scenes can get quite dull, repetitive, and lack fluency.

I often write fiction set back in the early AD centuries of Asia, which requires a lot of action. But when describing a scene things can get horribly dull. Here is an example of simple description in a fight scene:

"The enemies closed in on him; the messenger had one chance of escape, but it appeared futile. But futile could never stop the boy, only dampen him.

One came towards him, giving his spear a shove and his fist a friend. The messenger lost his footing, but kicked the man in his stomach. The others came, prodding him with fists and dull knives, until he broke free of them and took off. They all followed like stampeding oxen. However, with the stealthiness he boasted of, quite often I must add, he maneuvered up a tree and out of their sight." ("Disparager" by me. 2007)

Another, much older example:

"Tirah quickly and swiftly approached Li only to surprise him with an unpleasant crescent kick, bringing him down. Liang noticed the new enemy and rapidly threw three sharp daggers at the girl. Dodging their blades she rushed up, leaning towards the ground, and hastily knocked her down." ("Three C's" by me. 2003) I can't even stand reading it! Eek, it's so generic.


I know, that was a lot to read, but do you see what I mean? When describing such scenes as these I find it hard to avoid "he ----, then ----." Sentences, which describe the action but dehydrate the suspense.


Please, if anyone knows some tips to writing successful suspense/action descriptions, please post! It will be much appreciated by both myself and my readers.

Heehee... I can ramble on this for quite a while!

Before you even start an action scene, you need to set it up. Who wants to be in the middle of one and be interrupted for the setting? Give us the general atmosphere (is it warm, cramped, out-doors, night-time, what type of floors, etc) when we first walk in where ever the action will take place. Then you can just give us tiny reminders as the action goes along (when possible, like if a person comes out from the forest, or if he falls onto the pavement,) and you won't have to interrupt us. Also, then we can picture where they are, and we won't have to imagine people fighting in empty space.

Also, short, choppy sentences work best. Don't ramble on and on like you did in your examples - keep it short and sweet.

Use dialogue, too. It shortens up paragraphs and let's us feel a little closer to the character.

The main thing is bringing us closer to the scene. Don't let us watch from a distance! Let us be so close we can hear the hammering heart, see the sweat, feel the blade as it cuts into the MC. Also, make sure we feel the emotions of the character.

Mainly, just read action. I actually suggest Maximum Ride. While I hate the stories, JP is pretty good at action scenes. There are probably also many other books out there - just ask for suggestions.

Hope I helped a little?

~JFW1415

If you want to make tension, then you have to give me/the reader some background. I'm gonna type something in the horror genre. Ready?


“Where’d they go?” Natasha murmured. She held the switchblade tightly in one hand. She knew her ex-husband to be cleverer than that.

Suddenly, a scream echoed in the darkness. It came from the shed. Where Natasha and Jack had hidden Connor!


You see. You have to give some background. The ex-husband wants Connor, Natasha's son and is willing to kill anyone who gets in his way. And the ex is abusive, so Natasha doesn't want Connor to live through that.

Hope this helped!

A couple of tips:

Much like what JFW said, short & sweet sentences actually help quicken the pace. Also, you might want to try and build up the suspense. I can see why you might think your action scene might lack fluency, mostly I was confused as to who's point of view I was reading this. Maybe you might want to try playing around with point of view? Try to look at your story as a whole, and ask yourself what you want to accomplish.

First person brings you up close and personal to all the gritty, action sequences. If written correctly, it allows for the readers to really feel the suspense, go through the confusion, the pain, the helplessness. In first person, the protagonist never knows what the opponent is going to do next, so this helps with the suspense because the reader is constantly thinking

'how is he/she going to get out of the situation?'

And suppose the protagonist is blind? or losing consciousness? Suppose the enemy threw some dirt in the MC's face and the character isn't able to see what is happening, relying only on their sense of hearing. We as the readers are blind too! Suspense!

Third person gives the reader more distance from the immediate action. We--the readers--will be able to see everything. It'll sort of be the equivalent of watching a movie. We see the action across the screen, but it isn't happening directly /to/ us, so the reading experience is a bit different.

That moment that I wrote before, about the main character being blind, in third person there isn't really that same sense of danger because while we think 'Oh no, the main character is blind!' readers will be able to see the opponent laughing and taking a step towards the fallen MC, we'll be able to see him draw up his knife and lower it towards the blind protagonist who is fruitlessly trying to throw random punches to the thin-air. There is still suspense, but the suspense is different. This time we know exactly what is going to happen.

Notice that we are still thinking, 'how is he/she going to get out of the situation?'

In any action sequence, you need to play up the suspense and play down the lengthy descriptions. Describe, not only what is happening, but how it affects your characters. After all, that is the point of an action sequence. It is all a trial of conflict that the main character needs to handle, needs to get out of.

But not only that, you need to throw obstacles, have complete chaos, danger needs to come from every side. So first thing's first...

Don't be afraid to injure the protagonist. I always love to torture my characters. In a good action sequence, death needs to seem like its inevitable. Superman-like characters are boring. Yeah, Billy-Bob got kicked in the face? So what? Give us repercussions! Suppose Billy-Bob got kicked in the face so hard, he's vision is blurred. How is he able to fight the baddie now?

Also, as was said before, a good environment is crucial. There should be plenty of items available that could be used as weapons, or maybe even act as a distraction, such as the dirt I mentioned before.

Also, and I cannot stress this enough, you need to have consequences. Here's an example: suppose I have a brawl take place in a bar. Are the bystanders going to stand around and watch as the MC proceeds to murder his enemy with his knife? No. They're going to try to intervene, run, or might call the police or something. Riot is going to ensue. Suppose the barman whips out a gun? The world is interactive. Even your average bystander shouldn't come across as a cardboard cut-out.

Anyways, I think I've rambled on enough. If you have any more questions, feel free to PM me

~ Audrey