Young Writers Society

These are some basic issues that I find myself always talking about in my critiques.

Sensual Description
I know I do this, or used to. I got some critiques about it (especially on one piece... thank you kitty15!) and that piece improved a LOT after I incorporated the suggestions. People tend to focus a lot on the visual, and not the smell, touch, sound and taste. If your character is sitting in front of a fire, don't only describe the glowing orange tendrils devouring the wood, when I sit in front of a fire, I notice the smell of the smoke and ashes, the almost unbearable heat against my forehead and the sound of the crackling and popping.

Showing not Telling
Yes, probably one of the most common tips in the history of tips. It is much more powerful to show emotions (for example) than to tell about them. Let's see if I can conjure up an example...

Telling: "The tall man had a dark brown mustache and blue eyes. He was humming because he was happy."

Showing: "A tall, lanky young man flounced (<--that word implies happiness) down the alley, his dark brown mustache danced in time to the joyful tune that he was humming."

Then, you could go on to describe WHY this character is happy.

Repetitive Language
There are three basic ways this can happen:

1. The same word appearing multiple times in a short amount of space. For example: "The woman unclasped her purse. She reached a slender finger into the red purse and removed a cell phone. Dialing, she slung the purse over her arm. When nobody answered the phone, she put the phone back in her purse." There are two words repeated in that example: "purse" and "phone". Here's a "fixed" example: "The woman unclasped her red purse. She reached a slender finger into the leather bag and removed a cell phone. Dialing, she slung the purse over her arm. When nobody answered her call, she put the phone back in her purse." There can be some repetition, but too much is always a bad thing.

2. Repeating the character's name. This is one of my pet peeves. If there is just one character, you do not need to keep saying their name, "he" or "she" can suffice. Here's an example: "Maria was a quiet, slim girl with big brown eyes. When Maria looked at you, Maria's eyes would grow round and you could see deep into them. Maria's hair was also brown, and it curled slightly at the edges." This can easily be fixed: "Maria was a quiet, slim girl with big brown eyes. When she looked at you, her eyes would grow round and you could see deep into them. Her hair was also brown, and it curled slightly at the edges."

That was easy, right? Right. But what if there is more than one character of the same gender? That gets a little more difficult. You have to use descriptions such as "the latter/former" or "the older man" or whatnot. Here's an example: "Maria's mother, Angela (a plump woman with a twinkling personality) lived with Maria in a small house. One day, Angela saw Maria sitting on a rock by the creek. Maria was deep in thought and Angela didn't want to disturb Maria." That can be changed to, "Maria's mother, Angela (a plump woman with a twinkling personality) lived with her daughter in a small house. One day, she saw Maria's slender form sitting on a rock by the creek. The girl was deep in thought and her mother didn't want to disturb her."

3. Repetitive Sentence Structure. If all your sentences are the same type of structure, your piece will lose its punch. For example, I have a friend who uses this a lot: "The [description/metaphor] that was [(possessive) pronoun] [description/metaphor]" For example: "I heard an intimidating growl that was my friend's stomach." That isn't a bad thing to do once in a while (actually it's a good method for showing rather than telling) but if you overdo it, it loses its strength.

Here's another example... "I looked over at my sleeping sister, popping a piece of gum into my mouth. Her chest rose and fell, rustling her clothing. I leaned over and kissed her forehead, my breath moving her bangs." Notice how there's always [action][consequence]? Again, this is fine if you do a few here and there, but try not to have all your sentences be the same.
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Those are the basic things people usually deal with, I think. If I think of more I will post them here.

Comments/questions? Post them here!

~Azila~

*claps enthusiastically*

Great article, Azila! It is really helpful, especially that last bit about the sentence structuring.
... you might want t proofread it, though, because I saw a couple sentences where you didn't capitalize the first letter. *gaspness*

You know what's odd? When I read books, it always makes me wince or cringe whenever I read more than three or four sentences with commas in them, or three or four sentences without any. Here's an example: She watched the numbers on the microwave tick down the zero, tapping her fingers idly against the polished countertop. When her meal was finished unfreezing, she took it out and put it on a plate. She sat down at the table and ate by herself, humming to dispel the unnerving quiet. After she was finished, she went upstairs and read her book. At eleven o'clock, she went to bed.

Do you see what I mean, or am I completely insane? ;P

Anyways. Awesome article!

Cheers,
Camille

Wolf wrote:... you might want t proofread it, though, because I saw a couple sentences where you didn't capitalize the first letter. *gaspness*

I was rushing to finish it because my mom was calling me in for lunch. I'll have to read through it now...

Wolf wrote:You know what's odd? When I read books, it always makes me wince or cringe whenever I read more than three or four sentences with commas in them, or three or four sentences without any. Here's an example: She watched the numbers on the microwave tick down the zero, tapping her fingers idly against the polished countertop. When her meal was finished unfreezing, she took it out and put it on a plate. She sat down at the table and ate by herself, humming to dispel the unnerving quiet. After she was finished, she went upstairs and read her book. At eleven o'clock, she went to bed.

I do see that... and I totally agree. Sometimes I want to take a big red pen out and scribble out sections, then write corrections in the margins. XD But then again, my mother claims I have "Obsessive Editing Disorder" lol.

~Azila~

^_^ Good advice Azila! I just recently was helping someone new figure out the difference between show and tell. At first I couldn't find a definition for either of them--it was just something I knew instinctively. =P

>.< I am bad with repetitive language sometimes.

And yes! I see that too, Wolf (who is still Ayra in my head =P). I think it's the repetitive structure of the sentences. Like they had nothing better to do than find a way to divide their whole novel into sentences holding no more (or less) than two prepositions. >.< It should be a crime against literature.

Hey, these are really great tips, especially for someone starting out like myself who is bombarded with writing advice, but never really understanding it all.

I especially liked the bit on sense. I always write about visual, but now I'll really take the time with it to make it all realistic.

Eimear

That's really good advice, very helpful there!

*applauds*

This is quite actualy, because in terms of sentences, mine tends always to be the latter. It's a annoying sometimes, but hey!

Thanks very much!

Yes, this article was much needed and is much appreciated!

I added some more advise about repetition, by the way.

I'm glad to see that this is helping people!

~Azila~

Bravo! We needed an article like this. It's right up there with Snoink's advice, in my opinion.

The sensuals I should really put some more into mine. Did any everyone ever tell you what a good writer you are?

Also, TELLING occurs if you are using too many passive verbs. SHOWING is describing things ACTIVELY.

Gahks>> Very true, very true.

Just to let everyone know: I posted an article about repetition (based on this one) in the Knowledge Base.

~Azila~