Young Writers Society

Stolen

Sitting in the early morning kitchen,
Watching for that soft sound,
Of true silence.
I know that’s when they’ll come.
Their colors blind me,
Reds, blues, browns of old blood hue,
And I’m just waiting,
Watching,
Like the stranger I am.

This isn’t mine,
This vision of cacophonous choir,
In living form.
I am only a thief,
Stealing these few seconds,
Of bliss,
After starlit nightmares.

Could you see me,
Through that glass,
As you gorged on the suns seed?
Did it anger you,
To have me there,
Frozen in my silk gown?
I’m sorry little martyr,
You died for them,
To protect them,
From me.

Little red one,
My imagined snow is crimson,
Beneath your crumpled form.
Did you have to race,
That breath of wind,
To crash upon the glass,
And leave a single drop,
To trickle to the ground?

I tried to help you,
To feed you in this time,
Of frozen land,
But through my hand,
You can no longer eat.
I’m sorry tiny dead one,
Little cardinal.
Tomorrow,
I will not watch.

Hm, I'm trying to say this as tactfully as I can, but I have figured out your style and it's nothing like what I like, so therefore, that's why I'm having a hard time enjoying what you write. However, I need to overcome that and stop being so narrow-minded and learn to start appreciating other people's styles. So, please bare with me. I'm being as transparent as I can possibly be.
Well, at least there were commas in this poem, which helped it out a little bit.
I picked out a few pieces in the poem that contained some depth, while others, for instance the line about the virgin I think it was, sounding like a sappy play some bootleg wrote back in the 1800s who wish he could have been Shakespeare. I'd suggest you'd take that out. It'd make that stanza more appealing, I think.
As for the rest of the time, as I previously stated, it's not necessarily my style but I am learning to accept other people's writing styles, so, I guess I could say overall, this is an okay poem. A few things that should be worked out here and there, but other than that--it's pretty good, I guess.

I can understand how sometimes you just don't like the way a piece is written, and I can understand that, thanks for being honest. And I had been thinking about that same line before I even got back on here, so I changed it to something more real.

This is actually a memory of the first morning after I got taken home from Research. (When I say I'm nuts, I mean it, quite literally, as in two weeks in a psychiatric facility nuts). I was sitting in my aunts kitchen after spending the night, because they were taking all the sharp pointies and burning things out of my room and I couldn't go home, and I had snuck out to fill up the bird feeders. I wanted to watch the birds, so i sat there, and when they came, a big red cardinal flew against the window and died. It's always bothered me, I just finally put it down on paper.

By the way, I usually put commas in, but I had a couple of comments on other poems of mine about using them too much so I tried to get rid of them in dead letter. Sorry.

And thanks for critiquing, next time I'm home and can get the comp (am in ENglish class) I'll look over some of yours.

I like this. The style is fine for me, I find it raw and good to read because long lines are often cluttered. The tone in this is great. I didn't quite understand it until you explained it, but that's the way it always is with honest poetry. That's good though, because I had a bit of an idea even though you didn't spell it out, and that's always the best way. Great work.

I liked it a lot and I agree with knowing different styles before critiquing them. Anyway, I think the story of the poem is fine. The one problem I found was in the line "I’m sorry little martyr." I first thought it was a typo, meant to be "I'm a sorry little martyr" until I figured out you were talking to the martyr. Just put a comma before sorry to clear that up.

Nice job!

I definitely think that it would be good with a very brief introduction, just so that the audience doesn't have to guess as to what you're talking about, because I didn't get it at all either, and that really kept me from enjoying the poem. I loved a lot of its lines, and that includes the little martyr one that you said you've changed; UNDO IT!

Well done. Keep writing. Make me feel like a poetic loser.