Young Writers Society

It was Holloween night, and I,
Eight years old, with out costume
Came to my living room to find my mother
Passed out on the carpet.

An untouched bowl of popcorn beside her-
A circle of spilled urine beneath her-
A half empty, grinning bottle of poison,
The reason for all of this.

I knelt down to her, I lifted her eyelid
I rocked her shoulder gently
I called to her, begging her to talk-
"Mommy, wake up."

My father trotted noiselessly upstairs,
Called the police, who came
Almost immediately, with their sirens,
To take her away.

The officer looked down at me
With eyes of sympathy.
And, forcing a smile, gave me a
Stuffed bunny, which I still have today.

I watched the black and white
Ambulance roll away, disappear
And so did the carefree spirit
I, as a child, knew.

I laid on my pillow, awake until morn.
I watched the darkness cry for me
Tears gliding down the window pane,
And my own down my face.

The world taught me that night
That unconditional love is a myth.
I had to realize in the hardest way
That equality doesn't exist.

I learned the cure for alcohol
Is a six month long rehab stay.
I learned the cure for a drunken wife
Is a signature and a court date.

I learned that year that poetry
Was my savior from the world.
My one gift of sympathy
From a scared and distant angel.

And I saw hand-in-hand with pain,
Stands bravery and will.
Every sob will fall silent,
And all bruises heal.

My father laughs more now,
I smile more with him.
But it took six long Halloweens
For me to go trick-or-treat again.

this might've been a better fit for dramatic poetry but oh well

Hey, Aubrie! ^.^

This is a great story and you've managed to capture the innocence of a little child so well. I'm hoping this isn't a true story. If so, I'm sure you've done well for yourself since then. You've used a very strong subject. Alcohol and parenthood. It's insightful and educating in a way since you've laid out the 'symptoms' of being inebriated. You've also given a brief example of how it affects the people close to that person.

The narrator looks back at the incident after a few years and contemplates over the situation that was. It's a good fit and makes for a compelling read. There were a few things I needed to bring up though. Firstly, what is potato poision? Is it a drink made out of potatoes or something like that? Nevertheless, if you were talking about something alcohol related, you could have said, 'a half empty bottle of brandy/whisky/beer etc. Also, A little more emphasis on the description of the scene to make it more dramatic could make it better. It's a brief account, and most likely a memory that the narrator tries to recall a few years later, but still, if she this had a great impact on her life, she would have remembered a little more detail. (presuming it's a she xD).

Also, there are a few spelling mistakes here and there that could have been looked upon. Just take this through a spell-check and you'll find out the differences. And go through the entire piece a couple of times and read it aloud. You will easily find places that need to be altered/repaired and make the poem better than it already is. I find that this poem is good. But definitely could be better.... but good, nevertheless

So keep writing and keep on practicing poetry. You look like you've got a got hold on stanza structuring and sentencing. This is great work. Keep the ink flowing

Murtuza