Young Writers Society

Under the surface
Of skin and blood,
Their power-hungry souls,
Sleep and play.

Under the surface
Of happiness and love,
Are all the souls terrified,
Lonely and hurt.

Under the surface
Of words printed on a newspaper,
Lie emotions they cannot express,
the madness and pain.

Under the surface
Of fire and smoke,
Tears fall for those lost,
Their lives gone and tossed.

Under the surface
Of the clouds so high,
War shall never die,
As long as humans stay alive.

-

I really liked this poem, it's very intelligent and I particularly liked the rhyme scheme and how you break it in the end by moving the couplet up a line.

I did feel as if there was a sort of lack of progression between images until the last stanza. It just seemed like a list of ideas, so maybe you could use a metaphor that reoccurs throughout the whole poem and progresses till the end to make it even better.

Then, you could have a title linking to that metaphor instead of the current title, because this one gives away the message. You could also use more sound effects like alliteration, assonance, sibilance, percussiveness, etc.

A really great idea overall! Just needs to be more poem-like, but even as it is I still loved it so well done. Keep writing!!

Muffins!

So. Poem. It was really good, especially the repetition. It gave a good flow to the whole thing. But, at this part:

Under the surface
Of happiness and love,
Everyone’s souls are terrified,
Lonely and hurt.

The flow kind of broke. At least, when I was reading it, it became difficult for me to find a flow at this point. Probably because the third line was too long compared to the others. So you could write it as, "All souls are terrified."

Then here:

Of the words printed on a newspaper,
Lay Lie emoticons emotions they cannot express,

So. Here, firstly i think "the" is unnecessary. Then, "Lay" will be "Lie" because it's present tense. Also, I think you meant "emotions", not "emoticons". Or maybe that's just me.

Otherwise, I liked the poem! Especially the first stanza. It was a really strong way to begin the poem and gave an idea of what you were talking about. And the ending is absolutely true.

~Titi~

I like this poem very much

Everything about it just screamed "Read Me" from reading the title i was captivated and i am so glad you wrote this. Everything you said is true and i want to thank you for writing such a great piece of work.

I was a little confused with some of your wording choices but it was nothing that took away from the beauty and truth of your amazing poem

Keep writing because i would love to read more of your work

-MusicLover797