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Young Writers Society


Innocence Untrue



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24 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1235
Reviews: 24
Sun Dec 18, 2011 4:50 pm
Abyss says...



Darkness prevailed. Cannons roared in the distance,
Demons howled and the screams of men persisted.
The dark clouds under the crescent moon watched,
Helplessly, as countless arrows flew by into the flesh
Of horses and men.

She escaped. Now she stumbles through the marshes.
Her hand pressed against her chest, against her wound.
Bleeding. Panting. At her weakest.
A little girl. Caught, between demons and men.

“Who goes there?” a voice sounded from the darkness.

She turned her head in the direction of it’s origin.
Her eyes fell upon an old man holding an oil lamp
Above his head.

He drew nearer to the girl. Near enough to capture her weakness.
Near enough to catch her before as she fell.
Before raising her in his arms and putting his lantern aside.

“You show me great kindness” she said.

“You shouldn’t speak, little girl.” He replied. “Rest.”

“Oh but I must.” Her voice sounding stronger. “You must know what is coming. You must listen.”

“Tell me” he said, now carrying her home. His lantern dangling from his finger.

“Greed, the common lord over all men, has forever ruled
Since the beginning of time. A great war wages in the distance
Because of this, this inescapable fact. Power, is what men crave,
Power is what men have deluded themselves into thinking they need.
Days from now their corpses shall feed the earth and,
Their swords, spears and arrows shall serve as seasoning.”

“Who are you!” The man halted. His eyes shot wide.

“I am power. The leader of my hordes which men of greed have
Summoned to use and claim the earth. But we had none of it.
You all shall die. My babies shall reign victorious and we,
Deserving as we are, shall claim the earth. Not men.”

“Demon!” The man dropped the girl.

She fell like a limp doll under the crashing of his oil lamp
On her bosom. She laughed as she burned.
Then stood.

“Fire only feeds me.” She said. Then pried his heart from his chest.
  





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38 Reviews



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Points: 1538
Reviews: 38
Sun Dec 18, 2011 6:08 pm
AliyahPillage says...



This was a very nice poem to read, I love how you have dialogue in there as well, this I find it very hard to do.

She fell like a limp doll under the crashing of his oil lamp
On her bosom. She laughed as she burned.
Then stood.


This was my favorite stanza although I really have no idea why.
It was great, keep them coming.
Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Jessicarlie Love
  





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245 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 15440
Reviews: 245
Sun Dec 18, 2011 7:08 pm
creativityrules says...



Hello there! Rose here to review!

This is an interesting poem. I don't usually like poems like these because they can turn out feeling chunky and hard to read, but that wasn't the case with this one. I found myself being drawn into the story and having an interest in your character; I haven't read anything like this and I'm positive that I'll remember it.

“Greed, the common lord over all men, has forever ruled
since the beginning of time. A great war wages in the distance.
Because of this, this inescapable fact, power is what men crave,
Power is what men have deluded themselves into thinking they need.
Days from now, their corpses shall feed the earth and
their swords, spears and arrows shall serve as seasoning.”


You almost lost me here. When I read this, I thought "Come on, this is a little girl speaking, not a public speaker." But after I read the rest of this piece and understood that the little girl really wasn't a little girl at all, I found this very appropriate and interesting. You did a wonderful job of portraying the girl as frightening and demonic.

The only problems I have with this piece deal with punctuation and capitalization. I would suggest looking back over this and editing it like I've done in the above section of your poem (I highlighted the places where I fixed the errors in bold).

All in all, great piece. Always keep writing!

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  








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— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice