Young Writers Society

Dear mommy,
I’m 5 years old.
I don’t want dolls in my hand,
I’d like some action figures,
Preferably Spidey or Bat Man.

Dear mom,
I’ve grown to 10 now,
and I’m feeling rebellious.
I don’t care about the elegance,
of dancing on my tip toe.
I just want to play soccer,
and do tae kwon do.

Dear mumzy,
I’m 15 years young,
and more free than a fairy.
I don’t care what I’ve done,
I just want to have fun,
so forget high heels,
and trendy up-do’s.
I just want to drink my milk
Whilst belting out ‘moo’.

Dear mother,
I’m 20 years of age.
I’ll be married in a month,
please do attend the wedding.
I always wanted to marry young,
and have my own little child.
Just don’t yell at me when I wear,
My converse down the aisle.

Hello there. I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today!

The best part about this piece, in my opinion, is the idea behind it. By telling the story in this way, you were able to give me a lot of information about the relationship between your character and her mother. Also, I was able to discover a lot about your character and her feelings as a whole.

Dear mommy,
I’m 5 years old.
I don’t want dolls in my hand.
I’d like some action figures,
preferably Spidey or Bat Man.

This is the best part of the entire thing, in my eyes. When I was little, I didn't like dolls; I preferred action figures or other toys much more. I identify with this, and that's great.

As a whole, the only problem I find with this piece is its feeling. It came off feeling slightly choppy in some places, especially when you described how old your character was.

I’m 20 years of age.

See what I mean? The feeling of this doesn't feel cohesive to the rest of your poem. If I were you, I'd sit down and think about how to edit this in order to make it feel younger, fresher, and more modern.

All in all, nice work! Always keep writing!

-Rose

IIINNNNNNSSSAAAANNIITTTYYY. Hahahaha! Blpblpblpblbpblblp (this is an onomatopoeia of the raspberry). Alfred here, still crazy!

Hi Jackie! I simply love poems and stories which are based on letters. They're both realistic and creative! Let me give you a Quick Critique! Hahahaha! (still insane!)

Concept & Theme:
I just said it, I love letters, especially love ones! So this means I love love letters! Anyways, I simply love the idea of writing a letter for whence all men came. I think it's sweet, but also meaningful and truthful. A lot of people act badly when they hear men communicating with their moms, but I think it's not that bad! I believe this is one of the messages executed by your narrative poem!

Technicalities:
Let's see here...oooh, here's some:

I’d like some action figures,
Preferably Spidey or Bat Man.

I think Bat Man is a whole name. Batman perhaps?

I just want to drink my milk
Whilst belting out ‘moo’.

I know there's a H_D_EN M_SSAG_ here, I just don't get it...
Those are actually the things that I think are a bit confusing. But BEAR this in mind! I think poems shouldn't be too strict in grammar and spelling because it's called CREATIVITY. I just post these techs if the writer had mistyped the words, and not doing them on purpose. Great work!

Content:
Ah, the moment we've all been waiting for! I like the words. The evolution in each stanza shows this. In the first stanza, you used mommy. In the last you used mother. I think the quick flow of time really put an impressive effect that, I think, can only be perceived or noticed after reading the whole poem. Also, I like how each tone in each stanza changes; another time traveling technique! This is one of the kinds of poem that makes the readers say Oh, it's like this. Okay!. Good work on that!

Overall:
Wow! This combination of emoticons reveals the word astounding! Well, you ARE. You did great in this here work. It's just needs some brushing up and it's ready for sending!

You're postman,
Al

Hey, Insanity!

This is an amusing and somewhat humorous outlook of a daughter who casually, yet firmly explains to her mother what she does and doesn't want in her life. A rebellious one, she's a free spirit and sounds like she doesn't worry about the consequences much.

I simply love how each stanza is so different and distinctive. It's really nice to see the transition and shift from the narrator's growing attitude as a new stanza approaches. It is refreshing and it sounds fun at the same time.

I'll attempt reviewing this stanza by stanza since it's all very unique and each particular stanza had elements of good and bad.

Dear mommy,
I’m 5 years old.
I don’t want dolls in my hand,
I’d like some action figures,
Preferably Spidey or Bat Man.

The tone here is straight-forward and no-nonsense. It describes to us the picture of a baby who isn't interested with the mundane variety of toys at her disposal and so wants a change. This is a particularly cute statement and really brings out that appeal in the narrator's personality. Now the rhyme scheme here is in the order of being rhymed in every alternate sentence. And what you need to know is that syllable count is very important. The second line has 7 syllables and the and the fourth line has 9. But here it works out alright since it's almost smooth. Not completely seamless, but enough to be satisfied with. In my opinion, don't change a thing here. Except for 'Bat Man'. Change that to 'Batman'

Dear mom,
I’ve grown to 10 now,
and I’m feeling rebellious.
I don’t care about the elegance,
of dancing on my tip toe.
I just want to play soccer,
and do tae kwon do.

Now this stanza is somewhat alright. But a few if the lines could have been better rephrased. Removing the 'the' from the fourth line and using an alternative for 'do' in the last line would make this better streamlined. Again, syllable count check. The last line has 5 and its corresponding rhyming line has 7.

Dear mumzy,
I’m 15 years young,
and more free than a fairy.
I don’t care what I’ve done,
I just want to have fun,
so forget high heels,
and trendy up-do’s.
I just want to drink my milk
Whilst belting out ‘moo’.

Here, the only thing that needs to be pointed out is the last line. 'belting' doesn't sound quite right and the 'moo' makes it sound like you're trying too hard. The second line would sound more smoother if you it had been, 'more free-er than a fairy'. Or maybe something of a similar calibre since it would reduce the length of the line.

Dear mother,
I’m 20 years of age.
I’ll be married in a month,
please do attend the wedding.
I always wanted to marry young,
and have my own little child.
Just don’t yell at me when I wear,
My converse down the aisle.

This is a very nice stanza. And I like the tone you've brought out here. The maturity can be really noticed. The half-rhyme you've made here with 'child' and 'aisle' is great. I like half-rhymes a lot and you've implemented them very nicely. No critiquing here since I do genuinely like this stanza. So great job ^.^

Overall, this is a beautiful piece with the format of it being in a sort of letter. The differences in the stanzas as the gradual progression of the poem commences makes this piece quite enjoyable to read. I'm glad to have read this. Keep the ink flowing, now!

Murtuza