Young Writers Society

http://thelaststraw.files.wordpress.com/2006/11/abused-sad-child.jpg



whispers from a forgotten world
listen close
black and blue
bitter, tortured, tattered soul

shadow of a hard-fought war
in the dark
blood and tears
glimpses of a nightmare's hope

knife through her soul, knife in her hands
here she comes
sweet revenge
murder is her only way out

she'll run until she dies

Many people like to read poems that have a particular structure all of the way through, or even poetry that rhymes in a certain way. I'm no poetry expert and when I write poetry, I always think that I'm doing it wrong. Should it have a structure that's just the total same throughout? I don't know whether it's a 'rule' or not in poetry, but I think that when something looks and sounds the same verse-to-verse, it gets boring.
I don't know the true definition of poetry. If there is one. But I just know that it's about deeper thoughts, and it flows more when it comes straight from within and when it hasn't been edited to death. Personally, I think that poems like yours are a lot more truthful. You're still using emotions in your words to describe things, as well, which is very poignant.

shadow of a hard-fought war
in the dark
blood and tears

B-e-a-utiful. This part makes me think of the picture that you used, and I can see that you chose it very carefully. I like that picture. That baby girl is sad and afraid, but she still looks defiant.
I love your poem.
Emmzziee

Typically poems that are short-lined and quick lack the emotional impact that people intend to put into them. This, though, had a perfect amount of rhythm and pace to really give it the emotion that it has. While for the most part I really like this, I did have an issue with the last line. It just seems to suddenly stop short in a way, and breaks the original steadiness and pace. Other than that, I thought this was really good.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hi there, PenPrincess. I'm here to review as requested.

Okay, nice touch with the picture. Oh, wow. Lol. The subject you're bringing us is pretty impressive, I must say. I'd be lying if I say I don't like it, because you managed to make it intriguing all the way to the end. One thing that I'd suggest it's to use punctuation and capitalization, I think that'd make your poem look more professional and therefor, you'd have more readers, remember that words are really important, but appearance is, too. However, I understand if that is just the style you chose for your poem. Overall, you did a great job.

~Solly<3

I like the structure of your poem, as well as the theme. I like the picture up there which made clear of what you were saying about. Just a suggestion: use capitalization and punctuation marks. It might add beauty to your poem Keep writing. Thumbs up!

very good and yet so sad. very sad.

After reading this I have reopened a hole in my heart. I have a friend who was abused as a child, and she grew up to be a broken child forced to grow up. Now she's doing drugs and drinking, and probably just wishes that she could get away from at all. And I grew up with her, watching her turn into this person, and reading this poem makes all of those forgotten memories resurface. About how I knew all along what was going on, and how I never did anything.

This poem is amazing, and thank you for writing about this specific topic! You really made me feel something I have hid for so long!

A really great and emotional poem, amazing!

Hi, Pen!

I'm so sorry this took way longer than anticipated. I really hope it's not too late to leave a comment or anything.

This is really well-written, I think. You had some great moments, and the linebreaks seemed to help a lot with emphasizing some of those suspenseful moments. In fact, I don't have any general critique-comments. Ima take this stanza by stanza!

whispers from a forgotten world
listen close
black and blue
bitter, tortured, tattered soul

We start off with hearing whispers from a "forgotten world," but I'm not sure what's being whispered -- I don't think "black and blue" is being whispered xD -- and actually, I don't know what "forgotten world" references to. I could be silly, though. I'm not much of a poet, and I'm fighting a head-cold. I assume it's meaning the world offffff, um. abuse? maybe.

shadow of a hard-fought war
in the dark
blood and tears
glimpses of a nightmare's hope

That last line sounds really pretty, but I'm not sure if it's got a significant place here. Meaning, I can't figure out what it's trying to say. xD Again, I'm a slow-thinker right now. Comprehension = zip.

knife through her soul, knife in her hands
here she comes
sweet revenge
murder is her only way out

The repetition of "knife" was probably hurtful more than beneficial! Since there's only two, and it's not much parallel structure, the effect is more annoying or deja-vu-ish. If that makes sense at all. The stanza itself is an interesting turn from the rest though, and it certainly provides more depth to what's being described here. Kudos!

she'll run until she dies

I dunno about the running deal if she murdered the dude anyway. The line basically made me scratch my head. Why run until you die when you can just live a calmer life now? Or at least find help. Of course, she's probably damaged enough to where any sense has left the building -- actually, that might be fun to reference here. o:

Overall though, it was very well written. I never read A Child Called It, but I only heard disturbing yet scary things about it. I'm kinda scared to read it myself, but I'm sure it would enlighten me to a very unique perspective on this. Your poem itself was very good though, and I hope I was at least of little help!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Thank you everyone for your supportive and kind comments! You have made my whole week. I will be posting more poems and short stories in the upcoming months. I haven't been writing so much lately, but I promise that I will be starting (with valor, of course) again soon.

POLL RESULTS: It's so great to see that out of 18 participants, zero of them were completely oblivious to child abuse. 11 had read articles or heard about it and were aware that it is a problem. However, I was shocked to see that 7 participants had known a victim of child abuse! The results of the poll are saddening but hopeful. And AuthorOfMyLife, I am so sorry about your friend/acquaintance. All my love and hope is with you and them.

Thanks again, everyone!!