Young Writers Society

Culprit

Ecstatic, she leaps from the pyre of her maker
and singing, affords him a kiss of delight.
She does not yet know where the breezes will take her,
but laughs, spinning, whirling – in joy of the flight.

She skips uninvited through quaint thatched-roof houses
and smothers their children in tender embrace.
The silvery sound of her rapturous glee rouses
parents to find her admiring their lace.

But here the winds change – the unasked guest is turned back.
She searches for someone to hear her goodbyes,
but all her new friends now lie silent and burnt black…
In tearful lament and shocked mourning she dies.

I really loved your poem, but I added a few suggestions and comments. Keep writing!

Culprit

Ecstatic, she leaps from the pyre of her maker I like this line
and singing, affords him a kiss of delight.
She does not yet know where the breezes will take her, this line and the next have good flow
but laughs, spinning, whirling – in joy of the flight.

She skips uninvited through quaint thatched-roof houses
and smothers their children in tender embrace.
The silvery sound of her rapturous glee rouses
parents to find her admiring their lace. this line is nice, but it feels like you were just trying to rhyme, I suggest changing the world lace

But here the winds change – the unasked guest is turned back.
She searches for someone to hear her goodbyes,
but all her new friends now lie silent and burnt black…
In tearful lament and shocked mourning she dies.

This could use some work it was a slightly disappointing end

Thank you so much for the review! I agree about the lace - it was forced.

The "culprit" is in fact a fire, so the whole poem is an extended metaphor/personification. "The silvery sound of her rapturous glee" is the silvery smoke, which always precedes the fire, which is found destroying something fragile and valuable, i.e. the lace, and she smothers children with her smoke. Looking back as the winds turn, she sees the destruction she has caused and dies down in mourning - black coals.

The regression much too marked at the end - I agree that it sounds unnatural. Thank you for the review - I'm trying different endings, as well as scribbling frantic rhymes for "embrace". Thanks!

I liked this.. It flowed really well It changed moods towards the end, but it worked..

[quote]Ecstatic, she leaps from the pyre of her maker Like right here, she's ecstatic and then...
and singing, affords him a kiss of delight.
She does not yet know where the breezes will take her,
but laughs, spinning, whirling – in joy of the flight.

But here the winds change – the unasked guest is turned back.
She searches for someone to hear her goodbyes, BOOM, she's sad..
but all her new friends now lie silent and burnt black…
In tearful lament and shocked mourning she dies.]And then she just dies, almost out of nowhere.[/quote

The last part was kind of sad.. Almost disappointing. And it kind of seemed like you just wanted to be done writing, so you made her die.. Also, the rhyming kind of distracted me from the main point of the piece, but that's just me.

Other than that, I really liked it. and i'm looking forward to reading more from you soon!

Hello

I wont pretend that I have a great knowledge of poetry, but I loved this. You really do demonstrate such an exquisite flair with words.

“She skips uninvited through quaint thatched-roof houses”

I love that!

Well done!

Ben

That was great, even if it was kind of sad. It was very short but I still liked it. Keep writing because you're pretty good at it. Good luck. (Also, could you look at a poem I wrote. I'm new on here and would like someone to tell me if its good or not. Its called "Inner Allure" and is under Narrative Poetry. Thanks.)

Hi barefootrunner!

I really liked this poem. I was a little bit confused at the end at the beginning, but once I find out the culprit is fire the whole poem makes a lot more sense. And I find it really clever how you hinted as to who the culprit is using words like 'smolder' and many others.

It was a great poem and I feel great after reading it!

Deanie x