Young Writers Society

Hi guys. This poem is about revolution. Please, review. Thanks<3



In the land where greed rules
colonizing, like smoke over air
you'd hear drums marching down the street
growing a revolutionary flame.

In the land where money is an idol
you'd notice a lie in four words
"In God we trust" is the motto since 1864
I have a simple question, something you don't expect;
Can you trust something you don't respect?

In the land where every death, every sweat drop,
and every tear is worthless in the eyes of power
you'd see young people dreaming
that from each one bloom green flowers

In the land where egoism abounds
fertilized by whispers of the wick
you'd feel a fearless atmosphere
the crowd singing with revolutionary adrenaline

"Freedom or death!
Never your slaves!
Despite it all,
this is still the land of the brave!"

A pregnant void. Speechless.

Gee!

Epic awesomeness. The imagery is so good and really captivates my imagination. It has this very raw and straight-to-the-point feel to it. It's a great poem, no doubt.
Your poems just keep getting better. I love this

Murtuza
XD

Me gusto el poema. El tema del mismo no es uno muy comun. Nice! El titulo lo redacto bastante bien, fijate. Algo que me fije y que me gusto es que the whole poem is told in the perspective of the revolutionary leader. Whatever, those were my observations.

Cuidate,
Chris

I have been waiting to find a poem about revolution! This is a great and powerfully expressed piece of writing.The first stanza very much reminds me of the poet James K Baxter who said "What would you do/if we were to wake/to the sound of revolution's drum in the street".

To be honest I can't critique the poem because the message is strong enough to keep all my attention. The USA, Europe and the Middle East are all experiencing important political transitions as the new sources of power are discovered in the world.

And then there was your line 'Freedom or death!' I suppose this is a reference to El Che's famous words "Patria o muerte!"
All I can say is well done
I will keep this one saved in my favourites.
Gracias, HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE

I love the ending... it really strikes the heart. I wish i felt it more...(i dont knw how to explain it), but so far i give you thumbs up. Your work is interesting, keep it up!

This was a very powerful poem; it held my attention all the way through. However, as much as I enjoyed this, I have a few critiques.

I have a simple question, something you don't expect;

This line feels off to me; I think it's way too long. I love the message in this line and the one that follows it, though!

Okay, I guess I only had one critique. So shoot me. Anyway, I really liked this- you stood up for what you believed and it made an impact! Good work.

Ahahaahah! Thanks everyone<3

And no. I don't hate war, but I do dislike it. xD We just don't seem to get along. Tsk tsk. But gracias! ^_^

~Solly<3

That's nice. I like the addition of the picture too. I hate war, you can say that. That's something you are definitely alloud to hate

Lyria,

Love this piece. So many people when approaching political subjects such as this one, they tend to rant-rant-rant about their own beliefs, so what I like about this piece here, is that it's totally not like that at all, and I can actually enjoy it as poetry. You did a decent job on painting a vivid picture, I love the idea behind the piece, the choice of title (brilliant!), and the lyrical quality of the piece.

Actually, I would've rather seen this under dramatic or lyrical. Does it tell a story? Mhm. I suppose it has the human story in its subtext - the idea of revolution itself provides a lot of historical backdrop that are in itself, stories. But the words and the poem itself doesn't directly tell a story - there are no characters in this - no conflict - it's more summary. So, that's my two cents, since I'm not sure if you were going directly for narrative - but I prefer this here as lyrical, though that's just my opinion *shrugs*

Now the nitpicks:

growing a revolutionary flame.

As far as word-choice, "growing" just doesn't sound right. I get what you mean, and it fits with your title, but just something about drums growing flames - the image sounds clumsy. Maybe "sprouting", "arising", "flourishing" -
*shrugs* I dunno. Maybe it's the line construction that I'm not a fan of - or maybe it really is the word-choice. I'm sure you can come up with better alternatives. (If you do go with flourishing - you can drop the "a" and make flames plural so that it fits the beat...?)

In the land where money is an idol
you'd notice a lie in four words:

Just add a colon there

Also that rhyme scheme (expect/respect) comes out of no where. (I always do this too and people are always pointing it out and now I know why) it is kind of jarring. Mostly because in poetry, rhyme schemes are like road maps. They point the reader in a certain direction. When you have a free verse poem, that's one thing - but to include a rhyme out of no where, the reader is going to get disoriented.

that from each one bloom green flowers

Beautiful line. I'd revise it a bit, because it sounds awkward. I love this line because it shows the significant of the title and paints a vivid image. However, I feel this line could be emphasized and made stronger.

the crowd singing with revolutionary adrenaline

The beat is off and we really don't need that word there. We already know it's a revolution, and plus, you've already used it once.

"Freedom or death!
Never your slaves!
Despite it all,
this is still the land of the brave!"

Lovely and resonating. Great job

~ as always, Audy

Loveddd itttt . But of course, I love everything you write . I think it was perfect and adorable, and very patriotic surprisingly....lol . Great job! You're such a good writer .

My favorite part!!

"Freedom or death!
Never your slaves!
Despite it all,
this is still the land of the brave!"

Nomnomnomnomnom