Young Writers Society

time dropped like
the echo of a leaking faucet.

I caught it in between my teeth and chewed
at it like an idea,
a two and a half years left before I leave,
just another thought to wedge between
two wisdom teeth.

I’ve been waiting for them to break through my gums
for four years,
like a newborn child, like a toddler,
gnawing at my skin to get the pain away.

there is hope, in time.

sundials spin like glass days and
the shadows on them change over the years;
an oak grew foot by foot by yard
and now it swallows up the hours like water.

this will pass faster than I think.

I am so broken, sometimes,
so lost and caught in a sob when I say,
“I don’t know, I’m just SAD,”
but brokenness is only a contrast;
it is black now, black enough to blind,
but I’m sure, somewhere, it’s just my numb hands covering my eyes.

the sundials spin,
dance out from the shadows of tree limbs,
and the oak is spat out from its own mouth.
I chew on new teeth,
and swallow time like water.

Cool poem! cool pic too

Really good!--

though I suggest to tone down the amount of commas in

--I am so broken, sometimes,
so lost and caught in a sob when I say,
“I don’t know, I’m just SAD,”
but brokenness is only a contrast;
it is black now, black enough to blind,
but I’m sure, somewhere, it’s just my numb hands covering my eyes. --

mainly in --it is black now, black enough to blind,
but I’m sure, somewhere, it’s just my numb hands covering my eyes.--

I think you should make it a bit more intense and dramatic by putting it as--

it is black now, black enough to blind,
but I’m sure,

somewhere (<---center that word)

it’s just my numb hands covering my eyes...



thats just me, good job!!

I really like this piece, I would maybe look at the flow. I agree with the comma usage, I think if you edit that out it'll make the flow a lot smoother. But very good work Keep writing!

Ah, liked this. It had that overgrown style that is prominent in most of your poetry, but, as opposed to past reads, this felt much more...cohesive, as far as the imagery and moral - excuse me for the unrefined terminology - went.

time dropped like
the echo of a leaking faucet.

Holy crap is this beautiful.

I caught it in between my teeth and chewed
at it like an idea,
a two and a half years left before I leave,
just another thought to wedge between
two wisdom teeth.

Second line needs to change, I'm afraid. Too many similes will congest your voice, as they force little epicycles in your poetic orbit; they are overwhelming in close quarters. Perhaps you could change it to "at it, softly (or another adverb) - an idea,"? Also, I'm not sure I like the last line. It feels like you're going too out of the way to avoid just saying something, so much so here that it's not as well masked.

I%u2019ve been waiting for them to break through my gums
for four years,
like a newborn child, like a toddler,
gnawing at my skin to get the pain away.

Four years - I'm too lazy to look it up right now, but I'm assuming that's how long it takes for wisdom teeth to come up?

Also, is the last line's object the narrator? Logic says yes, but I can't really tell. Reword it so that it is clearer.

there is hope, in time.

sundials spin like glass days and
the shadows on them change over the years;
an oak grew foot by foot by yard
and now it swallows up the hours like water.

Glass days. Brilliant metaphor, that.

Change up the first line. "And" is too flimsy a word to carry a line break. Then change the last line, in which the simile weakens what could otherwise have been a strong statement.

I am so broken, sometimes,
so lost and caught in a sob when I say,
%u201CI don%u2019t know, I%u2019m just SAD,%u201D
but brokenness is only a contrast;
it is black now, black enough to blind,
but I%u2019m sure, somewhere, it%u2019s just my numb hands covering my eyes.

Uh, not sure of the relevancy of this stanza? Up until now, the poem has been all time-passes-quickly stuff, and now what's this? Brokenness is only a contrast? That's a whole different story. I'm tempted to say get rid of this, because you don't need it.

the sundials spin,
dance out from the shadows of tree limbs,
and the oak is spat out from its own mouth.
I chew on new teeth,
and swallow time like water.

Life is a cycle, h'okay. I wouldn't say this is an especially strong stanza; it feels like you were trying to tie all your symbols together a bit too hastily, and thus greatly diminished the subtlety of your poetic denouement. Come out with something memorable, something that bonds your metaphors without fumbling their grace.

But this was excellent, a very nice demonstration of your poetic dexterity and competence. I read this, let myself be immersed in it, and think - know - that this is true poetry.

Good job.

-Kafka