Young Writers Society

Gather round, listen up and lend me your ears
For I speak of a tale, of sadness and tears.
This isn't a fairytale, this happened in reality
A man tested to the limits, for his faith and sanity.

This man Babar Ahmad, was a person of knowledge
Had everything to live for, worked at Imperial College.
When one day his life took a turn for the worse
He fell in a trap, in a never ending curse.

5:30 am, December '03
The start of a non-charged British detainee.
They broke down his door, and woke up the man
They surrounded him, there's nowhere he could've ran.

The police beat him, even though he never attacked
Were they raised by gorillas, or is it just intellect they lacked.
The officers claim, a terrorist is what he was
No evidence to back it up, what's happened to the laws?

He was taken to the station, by those officers by name
73 injuries on the way, I wonder who's to blame?
Six days later, without charge he was released
I wish it ended there, but the matter's not ceased

In August '04, he was arrested again
With no charges of course, what's wrong with these men?
He was extradited to USA, under no evidence required
Whoever created that law, should surely get fired.

Since that day, he has been in jail
Accused of terrorism, because he's a Muslim male.
His life behind bars, is just a repetition
We should take this to court, by signing the petition.

What steps will you take, for another man's life
Would you endure his hardship, pain and strife.
No need for this, just a simple request
Raise awareness for him, as life is a test.

I'm just going to give a round of applause. *round of applause*

Ok, now I have to review. This was unexpected because I thought it was going to be a folk tale but it was not. You actually just put out an issue that still manages to affect our society. I like the rhyme scheme and it flowed really well. I think that you managed to get your message out there and I would support this man. Good job and keep writing.

Holy Moly, what a piece!
This is very good, nice flow and constant rhythm you have.
its like a newpaper article written in a poem. Keep wrtiting expecting great things from you!

What can i say?
This piece of work defines the word beautiful, As a poet myself you realize the meaning of the message and how its conveyed by the language you use, and this poem is just exceptional.


Gather round, listen up and lend me your ears
For I speak of a tale, of sadness and tears.
This isn't a fairytale, this happened in reality
A man tested to the limits, for his faith and sanity

Your first paragraph sets the tone of the poem as it casts such a meaningful message.
You carry on stating the clear idea of reality which prepares the reader that the poem is no laughing matter
but a harsh reality a individual is experiencing

Well done for the message, i hope you can write more poems
and also i hope others see this and sign the petition
I know I am.

Wow. That was really unexpected. First of all, I'd like to repeat what the other commenters said: This was great because it was about something that really affects people; also, the rhyme scheme flowed well. But you asked for a review, so I'm going to nitpick *sighs* . I suppose I'll go stanza by stanza; my comments will be blue.

Gather round, listen up and lend me your ears
For I speak of a tale, of sadness and tears.
This isn't a fairytale; this happened in reality
A man tested to the limits, for his faith and his sanity.
I really liked this stanza; it grabbed attention and was a good way to start out.

This man Babar Ahmad, was a person of knowledge<- no comma
Had everything to live for, worked at Imperial College
When one day his life took a turn for the worse.
He fell in a trap, in a never ending curse.

5:30 am, December '03
The start of a non-charged British detainee.
They broke down his door, and woke up the man
They surrounded him, there's nowhere he could've ran.This last line doesn't flow quite as well, but it isn't bad. I see what you were doin' there.

The police beat him, although he never attacked
Were they raised by gorillas, or is it just intellect they lacked?
The officers claim, a terrorist is what he was
No evidence to back it up, what's happened to the laws?

He was taken to the station, by those officers by name
73 injuries on the way, I wonder who's to blame?
Six days later, without charge he was released
I wish it ended there, but the matter's not ceased

In August '04, he was arrested again
With no charges of course, what's wrong with these men?
He was extradited to USA, under no evidence required
Whoever created that law, should surely get fired.

Since that day, he has been in jail
Accused of terrorism, because he's a Muslim male.
His life behind bars, is just a repetition
We should take this to court, by signing the petition.

What steps will you take, for another man's life?
Would you endure his hardship, pain and strife?
No need for this, just a simple request
Raise awareness for him, as life is a test.

Anyway, that's all I've got. Most of my issues are just stylistic, anyway; there's nothing wrong with this. Great work! By the way, how sad that this happened... shameful, really. Good for you to stand up against this foul treatment. It made the poem even better. It's meaningful and really good. Never stop writing!

Hey There -

Sorry this was so long in the coming! I haven't been on in a while.

Okay! So this is your first poem, eh?

I must say, I’m impressed. I liked the theme, in its controversial entirety. It infuriates me to think that this type of stereotypical behavior happens every day…

So, story comes across nicely. It’s quite good. The rhythm is pretty good for a first piece; it had a few bumps and bits that sort of threw me off, but not to worry. I’m a bit OCD when it comes to rhythm – I’m a musician. 

I liked the opening stanza.

Gather round, listen up and lend me your ears
For I speak of a tale, of sadness and tears.

It is a traditional way to draw the reader in.

This was powerful:

What steps will you take, for another man's life
Would you endure his hardship, pain and strife.
No need for this, just a simple request
Raise awareness for him, as life is a test.

The only thing I can suggest is maybe to expand on the surroundings, use your senses. Paint a picture for the reader, because when someone reads poetry, they don’t want to use their imagination, and fill in the blanks where they feel it is necessary – that’s the writers job. They need to show the reader whats happening. All the reader wants to do is read. Does that make sense?

Other than that, it was very good.

Keep it up, Rafe – you have some serious skills, and real talent, frined.

-IamHathor22

Hey There -

Sorry this was so long in the coming! I haven't been on in a while.

Okay! So this is your first poem, eh?

I must say, I’m impressed. I liked the theme, in its controversial entirety. It infuriates me to think that this type of stereotypical behavior happens every day…

So, story comes across nicely. It’s quite good. The rhythm is pretty good for a first piece; it had a few bumps and bits that sort of threw me off, but not to worry. I’m a bit OCD when it comes to rhythm – I’m a musician. 

I liked the opening stanza.

Gather round, listen up and lend me your ears
For I speak of a tale, of sadness and tears.

It is a traditional way to draw the reader in.

This was powerful:

What steps will you take, for another man's life
Would you endure his hardship, pain and strife.
No need for this, just a simple request
Raise awareness for him, as life is a test.

The only thing I can suggest is maybe to expand on the surroundings, use your senses. Paint a picture for the reader, because when someone reads poetry, they don’t want to use their imagination, and fill in the blanks where they feel it is necessary – that’s the writers job. They need to show the reader whats happening. All the reader wants to do is read. Does that make sense?

Other than that, it was very good.

Keep it up, Rafe – you have some serious skills, and real talent, frined.

-IamHathor22

Hey There -

Sorry this was so long in the coming! I haven't been on in a while.

Okay! So this is your first poem, eh?

I must say, I’m impressed. I liked the theme, in its controversial entirety. It infuriates me to think that this type of stereotypical behavior happens every day…

So, story comes across nicely. It’s quite good. The rhythm is pretty good for a first piece; it had a few bumps and bits that sort of threw me off, but not to worry. I’m a bit OCD when it comes to rhythm – I’m a musician. 

I liked the opening stanza.

Gather round, listen up and lend me your ears
For I speak of a tale, of sadness and tears.

It is a traditional way to draw the reader in.

This was powerful:

What steps will you take, for another man's life
Would you endure his hardship, pain and strife.
No need for this, just a simple request
Raise awareness for him, as life is a test.

The only thing I can suggest is maybe to expand on the surroundings, use your senses. Paint a picture for the reader, because when someone reads poetry, they don’t want to use their imagination, and fill in the blanks where they feel it is necessary – that’s the writers job. They need to show the reader whats happening. All the reader wants to do is read. Does that make sense?

Other than that, it was very good.

Keep it up, Rafe – you have some serious skills, and real talent, frined.

-IamHathor22

Hey There -

Sorry this was so long in the coming! I haven't been on in a while.

Okay! So this is your first poem, eh?

I must say, I’m impressed. I liked the theme, in its controversial entirety. It infuriates me to think that this type of stereotypical behavior happens every day…

So, story comes across nicely. It’s quite good. The rhythm is pretty good for a first piece; it had a few bumps and bits that sort of threw me off, but not to worry. I’m a bit OCD when it comes to rhythm – I’m a musician. 

I liked the opening stanza.

Gather round, listen up and lend me your ears
For I speak of a tale, of sadness and tears.

It is a traditional way to draw the reader in.

This was powerful:

What steps will you take, for another man's life
Would you endure his hardship, pain and strife.
No need for this, just a simple request
Raise awareness for him, as life is a test.

The only thing I can suggest is maybe to expand on the surroundings, use your senses. Paint a picture for the reader, because when someone reads poetry, they don’t want to use their imagination, and fill in the blanks where they feel it is necessary – that’s the writers job. They need to show the reader whats happening. All the reader wants to do is read. Does that make sense?

Other than that, it was very good.

Keep it up, Rafe – you have some serious skills, and real talent, frined.

-IamHathor22