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Young Writers Society


My Inbetween



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25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1465
Reviews: 25
Mon Oct 31, 2011 11:10 pm
Stargirl101 says...



The night sky looks so peaceful, so serene.
But I cannot see the stars that well.
The winter wind whistles through the trees,
Calling.

I lie there, looking from the shadows of my inbetween.
He lies beside me, twirling my hair with his fingers.
I stare at him.
'You don't see do you?'
'See what?' he asks.
The shadows of my inbetween, I whisper.

He looks curious, like I said some that offends.
I stare at my feet. I wring my hands.
He rubs my back, trying to feel what isn't there.
What isn't there is lost.

He doesn't know.
His light has no darkness, no hurt.
He is pure.
'What's the inbetween,' he asks.
'What's the inbetween?'
Where my soul sleeps in the numbness of its morality.
I whisper my answer again.
He sighs, and looks into my eyes.
'Don't worry,' he says 'I see.'
"See what,' I cry, 'See what?'
He wipes my eyes.
'The shadows of your inbetween,' he whispers.
Presence is a curious thing. If you need to prove you’ve got it, probably never had it in the first place. It’s not an ostentatious, adolescent display. It should be something effortless. Somebody once said: ‘The whisper is louder than the shout.’ Well amen to that.
  





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245 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 15440
Reviews: 245
Mon Oct 31, 2011 11:24 pm
creativityrules says...



Hello there!

First off, the element of this poem that I adore the most is the feeling that it has about it. It almost seems sleepy, but in a good way (not a boring way at all), almost like the feeling you get when you're about to fall asleep. Also, I love the way that everything isn't clear cut, that it makes you stop and think about what the "shadows of the inbetween" really are, and it gives you room to decide what they are for yourself, which I like. Good poetry doesn't have to be concrete.

The night sky looks so peaceful, so serene.
But I cannot see the stars that well.
The winter wind whistles through the trees,
Calling.


I love the lonely feeling of this stanza. I do find issue with the second line. I feel like the words 'that well' detract from the wonderful descriptiveness of the rest of it. Other than that, it's amazing.

I lie there, looking from the shadows of my inbetween.
He lies beside me, twirling my hair with his fingers.
I stare at him.
'You don't see do you?'
'See what?' he asks.
The shadows of my inbetween, I whisper.


I love this stanza. The only thing I would change about it would be the fourth line, in which I would put a command between the words 'see' and 'do'. Other than, that, it's great.

I whisper my answer again.
He sighs, and looks into my eyes.
'Don't worry,' he says 'I see.'
"See what,' I cry, 'See what?'
He wipes my eyes.
'The shadows of your inbetween,' he whispers.


This is my favorite part of the poem. Dont' change a thing.

I absolutely adore this piece! Always keep writing!!!

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  





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104 Reviews



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Points: 1145
Reviews: 104
Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:20 am
paintingtherain97 says...



I love this. I agree with the first reviewer in that it feels sleepy, in a good way. Don't change a thing.
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known..." A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.
  





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15 Reviews



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Points: 997
Reviews: 15
Tue Nov 01, 2011 6:16 am
Euhuman says...



Hey, a very beautiful piece

And it would be even better if you, next time, form a structure. Like a fixed number of lines in a stanza. It is very presentable to the eye

I repeat, beautiful read!
Love
A Purple Daffodil
http://r2square.wordpress.com

“Never take a person's dignity: it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you.”

My DNA is unchallengeable,
Well.. so is yours
Bazinga !
  





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33 Reviews



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Points: 882
Reviews: 33
Thu Nov 03, 2011 1:36 am
RenGrey says...



I wouldn't have changed a thing. I enjoyed this poem immensely. I felt that in your stanzas held truth and I could feel what you felt. Never stop writing poetry. It's your gift. You told a good story. Hard but true. Thanks for sharing

Ren
A Balanced Diet Is A Cookie In Each Hand
  





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Points: 1018
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Thu Nov 03, 2011 9:06 pm
Delicacy says...



simply beautiful, loved it so much, i don't know how to describe the beauty of it, each line is a symphony itself, you know like a dreamy music relaxing you before going to sleep <3
  








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