Young Writers Society

Help me find the light,
Please save me from the night.
This fight is no longer mine,
I’m running out of time.

Let me stay here where I lay.
Bring me to another day.
My heart is now frozen,
From this path that I have chosen.

Watch over me today,
So that I may live to see another day;
Without the darkness,
Without pain’s sharpness.

But if I die here tonight,
Know that I am finally in the light.
Do not hate me for my choices,
After all they were my choices.

Thoselittle pills,
Gave me hollow thrills,
They led to my end.
So be careful my dear friend.

And remember me for me,
Know that I am finally free.
Free from the pain's sharpness,
Free from endless darkness.

Hello! Well, I started out reading this and I was like, Yeah, another rhyme-filled poem about bad choices and being depressed. But by the end I realized I really liked your voice and message. I have a couple suggestions:

Free me from this grave I made.
Will the past finally fade?
Let the pain stop,
So that I may return to the top.

In this stanza, the rhyming didn't match the rhythm, or vice versa. You could actually take this part right out and I don't think it would be missed.

Next, I think if you switch some words around in this stanza, it will flow better:

Watch over me today,
So that I may live to see another day;
Without the darkness,
Without the pain’s sharpness.

-I would rewrite it like this:
Watch over me today
So I'll live another day
Without the darkness
Or pain's sharpness

But if I die here tonight,
Know that I am finally in the light.
Do not hate me for my choices,
After all they were my choices.

WOW! This was my absolute favorite part. So powerful. Love it.
Other than that, I don't have anything else. I really love this poem. I may have been kinda harsh so bear in mind that you don't have to change a thing.

I love this poem. It's outstanding and I love how you express the way you feel and put it into words that rhyme without changing the topic in which your writing about. This is good because people young and old feel like this at times and just want the day to end so the next one could come along with positive decisions. I agree that some parts of the poem you can take out that won't be missed, and the reader will still have a good idea and a more clear idea what your trying to say. This isn't a major problem that you have to improve; everyone here is trying to improve whatever it is that needs work. As for you, you have a minor problem that you can overcome easily. If your going to add another stanza, make sure it fits in with the rest and doesn't confuse the reader.