Young Writers Society

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They are, or once was, so softly asleep
A bed in God’s paradise so lovely to keep.
Oh, how brilliant were they,
For their paths were splendidly lit.
Celestial candles proudly emit.

And thus a bright man of Almighty’s display
Of beauty and white light he would always portray.
He flew over mountains, and towards the sky.
Wearing a wide smile and a spark in his eyes.

But the Angel named Lucifer began to change.
Great power became his devotion,
And Lust his ultimate domain.

The deed to Heaven, only a sinner’s lust.
A betrayer to the Divine, you cannot ever trust.
A promise of power if they’d only follow him.
But a fate of destruction was an unforeseen sin.

And so a battle of Angels, protecting their home.
A massacre for blood, devil hearts made of stone.
A combat of brothers, no mercy ever done.
A fight for power, where all sinners are shunned.

But then light blinded their eyes.
And there was thunder in Heaven.
They saw Gabrielle illuminating the sky,
And Michael the savior flying above them.

For God was with the Archangels,
His Divinity bounding a shield.
The Father’s hope with them,
His love the ultimate sword to yield.

It was a power unknown to them;
The strange force called love.
It was an arrow through their chests,
And the war was done.

Lucifer and his army, cast down to Earth.
Always in darkness, in evil they were cursed.
But before their great fall, an ultimate price was due.
“Angels no more, no life within you.”

Wings stripped and cut off,
His Paradise lost,
A plummet to Hell,
A fall from Grace.

The last of his love was gone,
A venomous curse in his veins.
The Morning Star a demon.
Corruption his new name.

And whilst he fell, God proclaimed:

Your intentions shall be banished!
Your soul shall be caged!
Forever drowned in desire.
Condemned in temptation‘s flames.

you can get a copy online, also it isn't an easy book... it's an ambitious read for a 14 year old but don't be discouraged! I was probably about your age when I read it, and look at me

I didn't really like this poem. I know you're trying to do an archaic style, the whole metered rhymey thingy, but the meter is inconsistent at best and the rhymes are forced. I'd definitely try to pare this down into a shorter poem, there's a lot of uneeded phrases and such in here. Also, it's interesting to note that in Paradise Lost Milton seems to try and generate a lot of pathos for Lucifer, a lot of it is told from his perspective and he definitely seems like the hero well through the first part of the book. I need to reread it it has been awhile since I read it last.

I can't really nit-pick very much, because I didn't find anything that was really all that bad. It is a very good poem and I enjoyed reading it. Your portrayal of the characters is very well done and I like your descriptive wording. Good job!

-Xreigon

They are, or once was, so softly asleep

Mistake right away: you've mixed up your singular/plural forms. "Once were"

Oh, how brilliant were they,

Okay, I see what you're trying to do here, but it's so... awkward. I try to read poetry outloud to see if it makes sense, and I stumbled on this line. If it has to be this way, then leave it, I guess. If not, switch "were" and "they" around.

Celestial candles proudly emit.

Proudly emit.... what? Sentence fragments are no bueno.

And so a battle of Angels, protecting their home.

Another sentence fragment. A battle of Angels, protecting their home.... did what? How did they protect it?

But then light blinded their eyes.
And there was thunder in Heaven.
They saw Gabrielle illuminating the sky,
And Michael the savior flying above them.

You've got periods here that I don't think should be periods. Try out some other punctuation, like commas, semicolons, dashes, something other than periods.

It was a power unknown to them;
The strange force called love.

You know, you capitalize Angels and Lucifer, and God. Why not capitalize Love? I mean, it's a strange and powerful force, right? It should be captialized to show that force!

Overall, while the rhyming definitely adds to the narrative, recalling the epic poetry of the past (The Odyssey, Beowulf), it seemed very forced, which I'm not a huge fan of. If you can rid yourself of the rhyming you have a little more room to work with. But if you keep it (which I would recommend), try to make it flow a little smoother so that it doesn't read like a Hallmark card.

There ya go. Keep it up.

KF

I actually enjoyed this poem. Mostly because this isn't something you would typically find on a teen writing site. You don't really find it in modern literature either. It's obviously a well known story, but not one that people really think of writing about.
I liked your portrayal of the story. True, your rhymes and meter weren't perfect, but they worked well enough for your message. I liked the tone, it did ring of the epic but it also had a slightly lighter air to it. Maybe that wasn't what you were intending, but it made me enjoy it more.
So maybe my point is the poem has it's imperfections, but their part of what I liked about it. I don't know, just thought I'd let you know that the poem has a fan!

I really liked this too A very hurried review, so not really any criticism - yeah, one of my favourite book serieses is inspired by Paradise Lost, and it looks quite fascinating. I've recently become very interested in angels and demons etc. If you ever get to reading it, tell me how it is!
Anyway really nice poem! Great imagery and I love how it told a bit of a story too. By the way, I'm not sure if anyone else has pointed this out yet but in the 6th stanza in which you mentioned Gabrielle, did you mean Gabriel?
So overall nice job