Young Writers Society

I'll hide in the corner


I'll cry alone


I'll shy away


Let someone else be the star


I'll shy away







I'll live a life without love


I'll let you take him from me


After all you are just jealous


I love him


But


I love you


So I'll shy away


Let you be the star


I'll just shy away

Wow, this is really nice- I like it. I like how you're kind of expressing the hidden pain people feel, and I get a cold, broken feeling (in a good way) when I read it that really fits the theme.
One thing I might change would be the uneven-ness you have. The first portion is significantly shorter than the second, and you might want to lengthen it.
Also, I find the line "After all, you are just jealous" surprising aggresive in the middle of what is mostly a resigned poem. It fits, but I'm not sure if it... matches, exactly. I think I would change it slightly, or expand on it, so it has more of a place.
Really good job, though. Like I said, the feeling in the poem is very tangible.

Hey, nice poem. It certainly brings up plenty of sympathy, and many people can empathise with you.
Try to keep a structure about the poem. Turn the lines into even paragraphs. It gives the poem a better rythym that the reader can follow. So, instead of:

I'll hide in the corner


I'll cry alone


I'll shy away


Let someone else be the star


I'll shy away







I'll live a life without love


I'll let you take him from me


After all you are just jealous


I love him


But


I love you


So I'll shy away


Let you be the star


I'll just shy away

Try to do something like:

I'll hide in the corner
I'll cry alone
I'll shy away
Let someone else be the star

I'll shy away

I'll live a life without love
I'll let you take him from me
After all you are just jealous
I love him

But

I love you
So I'll shy away
Let you be the star
I'll just shy away

Of course, this is just an idea. I put some lines in between the paragraphs to make them even. It just gives the poem a rythym and a better structure. I like that you did a poem that didn't rhyme. It's often a lot harder to write good poetry that doesn't rhyme, because it's harder to make people realise it's a poem. But you managed it, and I really like the end result. I hope my advice helps

I like the space between your lines! It doesn't just give more significance to each line, but it shows the disorder and precision in each thought! I think the first half of the poem is perfect! The second have has more potential to shine through, in making this poem even greater then it is now.
I'll live a life without love
I'll let you take him from me
After all you are just jealous
I love him

Could be more powerful. My suggestion would be to synchronize and anchor the idea better. Everything in one stanza should have a similar feel to it. So maybe make this stanza all about you being the bigger person and how it hurts you or numbs you.

Incredible work! You are very talented!

Heey, This is a really good poem! The second half is really sweet and admirable... but I think that what the previous reviewers suggested about building up the poem differently could be a good idea, the content of this is great - but I feel the structure is a little wobbly and the reptition of "I'll shy away" could be good but as it is it just feels a bit awkward

Anyhows, overall this was good poem, you're awesome!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hi there, American Teenager!

I'll hide in the corner


I'll cry alone


I'll shy away


Let someone else be the star


I'll shy away

I didn't feel this was the strongest of beginnings, just because the repetition of "I'll" and the lack of interesting language. Different metaphors etcetera are very important to me in poetry, because they can make a simple poem much more powerful and unique. Also -- I hope you don't mind me saying this -- the whole "I'll cry in the corner alone" thing sounded slightly emo-ish.

I'll live a life without love


I'll let you take him from me


After all you are just jealous


I love him


But


I love you


So I'll shy away


Let you be the star


I'll just shy away

Wait, so are there two people the speaker loves -- "him" and "you" or did s/he just switch point of views in the middle of the stanza? I'd love to yell to the speaker "Get a backbone, girl! [assuming the speaker's female] Don't let the bad guys win!"

Overall, I wasn't humongously impressed with this poem, unfortunately. The language, as I said, is a bit too basic for me and lacks metaphors, similes, and other such "poeticness". All you need is practice, though! Read a lot of poetry and see what kind of things you like in poems what kind of things you don't like. Then you can try to recreate the good things and avoid the bad things!

Also, with a shortish poem like this, try and avoid excessive repetition. Repetition can work as a special effect, but a lot of the time it's just too much. Less is more!

Let me know if you have any questions


Demeter
x

Generally speaking, emotional pieces are the easiest to write and usually the easiest to relate to, but when it comes down to it, they also need to have a great amount of originality to be seen as anything more than that of the heart. Unfortunately, as much as I love a tragic piece, the impression I got from this was an outline without any real substance. The start of something interesting yet not quite followed through on.

So, what I'm going to say is start breaking it down. Start thinking on how the subject at hand can be completely you. You have the drive and the theme behind it. Now beef it up with some metaphor and imagery. Poetic device. If not we have a rather simplistic and almost childish poem about someone whose mindset is still yet developing.

I love the idea of poetry coming from the heart but look at Robert Frost for instance. You may think he writes simply as most of his wording isn't exactly difficult, but he puts metaphor to his words. When he says to take a difficult route in life he compares the entirety of life to separate paths. Think outside of the box.

Go back, think this through, and I'm sure you'll have something rather interesting on your hands if you can find the perfect extended metaphor for this.

~Walker

This poem is so modest and bares open the entire emotions of the persona. The anguish and sorrow experienced from trying to gain something (or in this case - someone) but never having the courage to come up and claim it is a feeling I'm sure we all can relate to. I'm not one to have any nit-picks on others' poems, however, I always say this - Read the poem again and again and you will automatically find places that can be corrected or altered. Practice and practice only can make you better than you already are.

In my point of view, this poem is an honest portrayal of an aching heart that is longing to be noticed and loved, but lacks the courage to find the strength deep within to fulfill its hopes. There is so much meaning in such little lines and that says a lot for the poet (or poetess ). I hope to read more from you. Keep the ink flowing!