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Don't worry 'Darling'



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Reviews: 23
Wed May 25, 2011 6:54 pm
Vampyre says...



The actual title is "Don't worry 'Darling', I can't tell your superior blood from mine either"
But it wouldn't let me post it all up there ^.
__________________________________________________________________________


He’s black.
She’s white.
He’s gay.
She’s bi.

I’m perfect
And you can drink the dead sea.
Didn’t they tell you?
That salt is your sin?

So, is anyone here,
Who will spit in my face?
And tell me their tears
Will run fresh to their grave?

So no, I’m not perfect
But neither are you.
Or you.
Or you.
Or him
Or her.

You told me ‘my type’ should burn in hell.
You as good as wielded my knife.
You covered your daggers in ‘sweet concern’.
He told me I was just to be used.
She infected both you and I.

Now, the ‘good people’, you see.
Oh, they’re so much better.
Yes,
Better at hiding those ‘small’ indiscretions
From the gaze of those ‘all-seeing’ public eyes
Who qualify to know *cough guess*
The ‘truth’ that they see in the ones they despise.

Fine,
Let’s let the fucking public judge
And let them tell us who’s to blame.
Let’s let them burn the kerosene
In whoever’s fucking name.

Well done, you’ve killed this fucked-up life
Even better than the ones you mock
Let’s stand and let you take a bow
Good Sir, good Madam, now don’t you feel proud?

He’s a Christian.
She’s a Jew.
He’s still dating her.
Aw, she thought you knew.

Now,
Consider your ‘offer’ of ‘buying her time’
Because only for his love is her sex a crime.
But there! As you dragged her into the dark,
Did you hear the tolling start?
The death knell burning in her skin,
Clashing the chorus of her sin.

That night she drew her swan breath in a bed
Made soft with all her razor blades,
That kissed her wrists with the romance you lacked.
As the hands that you’d kissed now dealt the trades

The harlequin scars of the harlequin girl
Dyed the sheets with the dying muck
The scarlet of a scarlet woman
Damned by her damning rumour-spread fuck.

He is rich.
And she is poor.
He’s a gentleman
And she’s a whore.

In life we’re all so ‘different’
And soon we’ll all be dead,
But have you ever wondered why,
When cut, we all bleed red?


Spoiler! :
I wrote this because of a lot of stuff I've been going through, I made a couple of wrong choices which people constantly judge me for and they don't let me show them I'm still a person, not a whore, or anything else. So, yeah, it's a really emotional piece for me.
That night she drew her swan breath in a bed
Made soft with all her razor blades,
That kissed her wrists with the romance you lacked.
As the hands that you’d kissed now dealt the trades


  





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Wed May 25, 2011 8:26 pm
silented1 says...



And you can drink the dead sea.
-line removed due to laziness-
That salt is your sin?

I like this. It's an interesting idea and a bit more tangable than other parts of the poem. Just the way it works, I mean. (if that makes sense.)

He’s gay.
If this is the same man later on being with the woman? He's not gay? This is a bit conflicting and maybe needs some clearing up. And if it's two different men, then that should be mentioned too.(unless I missed that inwhich case sorry.)

You told me my type should burn in hell.

I think your poem should start here. The lines before this don't really tell us a whole lot.

You told me ‘my type’ should burn in hell.
You as good as wielded my knife.This isn't really needed, the poem uses the same idea later on in an effective way. Not just saying oh I have a knife, you're doing something with that knife, it matters there(4th stanza from the bottom), but not here.
You covered your daggers in ‘sweet concern’.
He told me I was just to be used. With what is said right below, this could be a reference of how to build off that you're making. The knives are tools and you make the relation that you are being used, like that tool.
She infected both you and I. This line would be good but it's not used in the right way. You're talking about knives and daggers and starting imagery off like that and then jumping to disease makes it lose the power / relation that you were already building.

Now, the ‘good people’, you see.
Oh, they’re so much better.
Yes, You don't really offer a question or anything, you're basicly agreeing with yourself which doesn't really do anything.
Better at hiding those ‘small’ indiscretions what small indescretions? You should fill this in with what is happening. This doesn't really tell us much as to what is happening or how it is happening.
From the gaze of those ‘all-seeing’ public eyes You could combine this with the first line of this stanza, like the "good people" with their "all-seeing" public eyes.
Who qualify to know *cough guess*
The ‘truth’ that they see in the ones they despise.

The cough guess doesn't really do much, it takes away from the seriousness, I don't think you want that.
And to save that piece of rhyme, you could rewrite the guess line with the last one and remove the yes to save that.

Fine, fine? The people got angry and then you got angry. But over what?
Let’s let the fucking public judge You've covered this partially in the stanza above, when you were speaking of their eyes and the truths they wish to hold. That gave the sense that they are judging you when paired with the indescretions. I think that parts of this, that go with the indescretions should be put togeather to make that idea whole. Such as the burning and how it may work with the indescretions. A simple relation of the set, as indescrete as the kerosene you burned etc.
And let them tell us who’s to blame.
Let’s let them burn the kerosene
In whoever’s fucking name. This could work really well if it was paired with more imagery to back it up.

Well done, you’ve killed this fucked-up life
Even better than the ones you mock
Let’s stand and let you take a bow
Good Sir, good Madam, now don’t you feel proud? This line could work well if used elsewhere, I just feel that it is too close to what is above, in terms of lines seperating and in what you're saying. You went from anger to scolding without any action inbetween to allow for this. I mean, later on you mention her cutting herself and all this stuff which I think better shows these ideas. Perhaps that "don't you feel proud now" could fit into there, maybe? It would have more imagery / something more concrete to back it up.

He’s a Christian.
She’s a Jew.
He’s still dating her.
Aw, she thought you knew. I don't quite understand the significance of this. They fight because she's a jew or something? And I don't see how that really helps push the idea that she's the damaging factor, besides her hiding pieces of infomation about herself.(which you could use with the infection idea, or something similar to it if you choose to rewrite that part.)


Now,
Consider your ‘offer’ of ‘buying her time’
Because only for his love is her sex a crime. I think you should add a comma after sex to give the crime idea more of a punch. I like this idea too.
But there! As you dragged her into the dark, You don't need the but there. I don't see what it adds to the poem.
Did you hear the tolling start? What does tolling sound like? Is it a man asking for change, because as far as I can tell, tolling has no sound, perhaps besides the clang of change or something. You might want to rewrite or expand on this a bit more.
The death knell burning in her skin, I guess knell is the sound of the tolling? It may work better if you were to combine these lines. Since a knell is normally used for death, you don't need to put death there to describe it, it's redundant.
Clashing the chorus of her sin. This seems kinda random, it's not fully backed up. I mean, I understand the chorus and the bell, the sin being prostitution but theres nothing to back up the clashing. So it doesn't make total sense, unless its her doing her job. Which would be pretty hard since you're describing her as dead or close to it.

I think for this stanza you just need to rewrite and combine the ideas you already have and then work from there, because there isn't a whole lot of connection.

That night she drew her swan breath in a bed
Made soft with all her razor blades,
That kissed her wrists with the romance you lacked.
As the hands that you’d kissed now dealt the trades

I like this entire stanza, keep it.

The harlequin scars of the harlequin girl
Dyed the sheets with the dying muck
The scarlet of a scarlet woman
Damned by her damning rumour-spread fuck. This stanza doesn't really seem needed at all. We know she was cutting, and you can keep the fool idea, the harlequin and perhaps mix it in somewhere else, where ever you feel best.

He is rich.
And she is poor.
He’s a gentleman
And she’s a whore. this stanza and all others like it, should really be a part of the description. Like when you speak of what they are doing, you can mention him with jewels or some other form of wealth and her with rags. Just pieces that can show their differences while suggesting that they are coming togeather and are not so different after all, like the last stanza suggests. The parallels in theses are what should be worked in, not thrown in.

In life we’re all so ‘different’
And soon we’ll all be dead,
But have you ever wondered why,
When cut, we all bleed red? I like this ending, it's a good idea to work with and try to build your poem around. When you're rewriting(if you do) try to see if you can makethe imagery back this up, the actions fall in the line or being different or similar. Stuff that relates to this but doesn't scream it or copy it to the point of it being boring.


Overall:
I think you just need to cut a lot of the useless lines, and expand on your ideas. Some of them are good, some of them are not so good.

I also believe you should add imagery / action to back up all of your ideas.

The parallel lines, like he's christian, she's jewish, also throw off the tone and it's like an infomercial. Stopping the story to give some information that could be worked into the story to give it more depth or just more interesting description.

I wouldn't mind looking at this again, let me know if you choose to rewrite it.

Good luck, keep writing, and pm me with any concerns;
Silented1.
[quote]If it's arguable, then it probably is." - Xeriana X

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Sat May 28, 2011 5:36 am
Loller65 says...



Here as requested.

So. I really loved this. I think it very effectively captures the idiocy of the attitudes held by some people.

I have only two things to say beyond how much I loved it.

Fine,
Let’s let the fucking public judge
And let them tell us who’s to blame.
Let’s let them burn the kerosene
In whoever’s fucking name.


This stanza is AMAZING. It made the poem for me. It was the single best part of it in my mind.

Now, the second. I think you dropped too many F- Bombs. I know you can do whatever you want and it's emotional, but I think it was too much in too small an area. If you had spread them out more, it would have been more acceptable, but right in the middle you had a little cluster F Bomb that was sort of jarring, although maybe that was your intention? In any case, I liked the poem, just not the F Bomb abuse.

9/10 for you!
"There are no absolute rules of conduct, either in peace or war. Everything depends on circumstances."


-Leon Trotsky-
  





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Sat May 28, 2011 3:54 pm
Rydia says...



Why hello there! First off, I think your title needs work; whether it's the long or short version, it's just not catchy enough. A title is important, it can make a reader decide to check it out or turn away, particularly on a site like this. Have a think about it. And while you do, here's a few comments:

He’s black.
She’s white.
He’s gay.
She’s bi. [There's a nice to and fro here but other than that, it's dull. It doesn't give the reader anythign of substance, doesn't really build any emotions. If you were going to continue on this way and just steadily build the contrasts so that they actually meant something then it might be interesting but as it is, this doesn't fit with or add anything of value to the rest of your poem.]

I’m perfect
And you can drink the dead sea. [The first line that's actually any good. I'd like to see it expanded on though or moved somewhere that it's going to get the chance to have an impact.]
Didn’t they tell you?
That salt is your sin? [Nooo. Questions in poetry are to be kept to an uptmost mimimum. They can have an affect when used well. I've even seen one or two occasions where a string of questions has been executed amazingly but generally, use them at your peril. One can be good and two you might just get away with. A quick glance down shows me you have lots. Just... no.]

So, is anyone here,
Who will spit in my face?
And tell me their tears
Will run fresh to their grave? [Some nice rhythm to these two lines but the wording is lacking.]

So no, I’m not perfect
But neither are you.
Or you.
Or you.
Or him
Or her. [Same comment as your first stanza.]

You told me ‘my type’ should burn in hell. [Ding, ding! Second good line. This I like. And I agree with silented, you should start here.]
You as good as wielded my knife.
You covered your daggers in ‘sweet concern’.
He told me I was just to be used.
She infected both you and I. [This is too much he said, she said sort of format. There's not enough details to make us know these people or care about them and it's a very inward poem. That's fine. These things are good to write to get the emotions out but it isn't a show piece, or if it is, you're gonna have to work on it. If you want the poem to have poetic merit for its reader as well as emotional merit for yourself, you have to let us in on more of the story and make it more original, more exciting, more sinister. You need to work on providing some atmosphere and some interesting themes or you'll lose your reader's attention.]

Now, the ‘good people’, you see.
Oh, they’re so much better.
Yes,
Better at hiding those ‘small’ indiscretions
From the gaze of those ‘all-seeing’ public eyes
Who qualify to know *cough guess* [Unless you're going to have a theme of elements of chat speak and such and are therefore being teenage and modern age for a reason, this has no place in poetry.]
The ‘truth’ that they see in the ones they despise.

Fine,
Let’s let the fucking public judge [I think 'decide' would be a better word than judge because it's a plosive and it has a more poetic feel to it. Some words don't work too well in poetry and I think judge is one of them.]
And let them tell us who’s to blame.
Let’s let them burn the kerosene
In whoever’s fucking name. [A good image, I like that one, maybe expand it.]

Well done, you’ve killed this fucked-up life
Even better than the ones you mock
Let’s stand and let you take a bow
Good Sir, good Madam, now don’t you feel proud? [Feels a bit too much like filler and isn't particularly interesting.]

He’s a Christian.
She’s a Jew.
He’s still dating her.
Aw, she thought you knew. [Make these into actual lines. Give us some idea of why these pieces of information are significant.]

Now,
Consider your ‘offer’ of ‘buying her time’ [Good.]
Because only for his love is her sex a crime.
But there! As you dragged her into the dark,
Did you hear the tolling start?
The death knell burning in her skin,
Clashing the chorus of her sin. [Try to aim for half rhymes as the full ones are distracting and are better placed in children's poetry or less serious poetry at least. Half rhymes would be more subtle and sinister.]

That night she drew her swan breath in a bed
Made soft with all her razor blades, [I like this, it's a strong image and a working one.]
That kissed her wrists with the romance you lacked.
As the hands that you’d kissed now dealt the trades [The last line sounds forced, doesn't really fit and is dull.]

The harlequin scars of the harlequin girl [Quite a nice use of repetition.]
Dyed the sheets with the dying muck
The scarlet of a scarlet woman
Damned by her damning rumour-spread fuck. [And then you over did it. You can't change style for just one stanza of the poem. If you want all the wit and the puns in, you need to integrate them with the rest of the poem, make the poem as a whole witty and such. Here it's over-load.]

He is rich.
And she is poor.
He’s a gentleman
And she’s a whore. [You know my opinion on this. It's the same as the others like it ^^]

In life we’re all so ‘different’
And soon we’ll all be dead,
But have you ever wondered why,
When cut, we all bleed red? [I like the ending. It's something I'd love to see more of throughout this poem.]

Alright so you have some good ideas here but there's a lot of filler that needs to be cut and it could do with a bit of sprucing up. There's no real story here to entertain the reader and while the tone is good, it's lacking in real atmosphere. I'd love to see a use of plosives, sibilance, alliteration etc. to build some of that emotion and rhythm. You'll maybe not want to edit this since it's a personal piece but hopefully I've given you a few tips/ ideas to consider when you next write,

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

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Mon Jun 06, 2011 7:10 pm
Shearwater says...



Hey there! I'm here to review for you!

I'm sorry for being so late to review this, I've been a bit busy with other things so I just only got to this just now. lol
Now, first thing is first - I suck at poetry so my review on this is probably going to be on the not-so-helpful-side. xD Therefore, you mustn't expect much from me. Now, I have just a few nitpicks from this which I didn't really understand...

He’s black.
She’s white.
He’s gay.
She’s bi.

I’m perfect
And you can drink the dead sea.
Didn’t they tell you?
That salt is your sin?

Firstly we have your narration, it's kind of confusing. You start off with something that looks like it's in third person but then in the next stanza it's in first person and I'm not sure what you're talking about. Bam! We're confused now and I don't think confusion is what you were going after when writing this. With that said, you might want to try to make this a little more understandable in the beginning and let us know who's saying what. Is it the girl speaking, the boy speaking?
Also, I don't know what a dead sea means and how salt can be a sin. :/
You told me ‘my type’ should burn in hell.
You as good as wielded my knife.???
You covered your daggers in ‘sweet concern’.
He told me I was just to be used.
She infected both you and I. Who is she?

This part of the poem seems really pushed or forced, actually. Some lines didn't make sense either, like the one with the question marks.
You're changing things here and there and it makes this poem a little messy to read. I can't seem to follow the narration or the characters, I suppose.
From the gaze of those ‘all-seeing’ public eyes
Who qualify to know *cough guess*I don't like this part, makes it seem childish
The ‘truth’ that they see in the ones they despise.


After the middle part of the poem, it actually got really quite good and made me want to keep reading all the way to the end without stopping so I did. The second bit was ten times more powerful than the first which seemed like it was thought about too much at times or sometimes a bit awkward in some places. However, overall it was a good poem and I loved the meaning behind it. I actually really loved the last line to it, it was a great way to end it! :3

Sorry if this review isn't as great as the previous two, they pretty much mentioned a bunch of great things which you should listen to also.
Keep writing and let me know if you need anything else, I'm but a quick PM away. ^___^

-Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Mon Jun 06, 2011 7:21 pm
Chandler4184 says...



This was really moving. I can tell that you, the writer, had personal experience with this- but then again, who hasn't? We've all judged and been judged. This judgmental world is a harsh place, and this poem shows that with a certain clarity not many can possess. I don't have any grammatical errors that I can show you, mainly because I'm not that great at sighting and critiquing them; so I'll leave that to someone else. Great job with this poem, and keep on writing.
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Mon Jun 06, 2011 7:44 pm
Emmzziee says...



Your poem is very mature and you've retold your difficulties in a totally unique way.

I reaaally like this; I only wish that I could write this good :D
Yes, the only thing that I would criticise is this title - I'm not a very smart being as it is, but whatever; I still don't understand it. It doesn't sum up this amazing poem as it should :D

But that's easily solved ;)
Well done, well done * applauds*
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