Young Writers Society

Dark hair swaying like seaweed
A Siren sits perched on a rock
Shrouded in a fine mist
She opens her mouth to sing

Her voice fills the air
A high haunting melody
Mingling with the rhythm of the waves
Reaching the ears of unwary sailors

Their minds become clouded
By a mad desire to join the Siren
As the song grows louder, stronger
They sail closer to their doom

Oblivious, they steer the ship into the rocks
Water floods the battered boat
As they sink with their ship
And into Death’s open arms

The Siren dives back into the sea
To join the skeletons of her prey
Above the water’s surface
The song of the Siren can be heard

It was a good poem, but it felt like as if you could have explained it better.
Don't get me wrong; IT WAS AWESOME!
One thing I'd like to point out.

As they sink with their ship
Into Death’s open arms

maybe you can put:
As they sink with their ship
And into Death's open arms

Check out my Siren poem too

Kirah

Dark hair swaying like seaweed
A Siren sits perched on a rock
Shrouded in a fine mist
She opens her mouth to sing(opens her mouth sounds a little weird to me. Maybe Her lips part and melodys flow forth? something like that)

Her voice fills the air
A high haunting melody
Mingling with the rhythm of the waves
Reaching the ears of unwary sailors

Their minds become clouded
By a mad desire to join the Siren(again, not quite right in my mind. They are overcome by desire to join the siren, or something?)
As the song grows louder, stronger
They sail closer to their doom

Oblivious, they steer the ship into the rocks
Water floods the battered boat
As they sink with their ship
And into Death’s open arms

The Siren dives back into the sea
To join the skeletons of her prey
Above the water’s surface
The song of the Siren can be heard
Love it, love it. Just a few things that don't seem very flowy, but an easy fix. You're a great poet.

Hey bluewaterlily!

Yay! Greek mythology references!

Okay, so I've just been immersing in Greek epics, such as Homer and Aeschylus, so I'm a bit biased perhaps, but I think it would be really really cool if you could write the song that the Sirens are actually sing instead of just the description of what happens. For example, in the Odyssey, Odysseus hears the Sirens tempting him to relive in his past glories of old, his kleos, if you will, which tempt him away from receiving glory as the King of Ithaca at home. So, poetry is what tempts him away from homecoming -- very important, the temptations of Odysseus!

Anyway, just a thought! Maybe it would make a neat sequel to this poem.

Okay, poem number two!

I didn't actually like this poem as much as I liked the other one, if I'm going to be honest. =/ Not to say that it's a bad poem - it's actually quite nice, but I just didn't find it as enjoyable. It was lacking something -- and I think that Snoink pretty much nailed what it was.

I like to know what happens while the sirens sing, that's great - but there was hardly anything about what she sings, or how she sings. There was something about that that seemed to make things... lack a little bit of who-knows-what. This wouldn't require changing lines, technically (though that could help just as much), but adding a stanza or two might help. Or, even adding extra lines to make it carry through the poem would work.

Like I said last time, this is your poem, so what you do with it is entirely up to you.

I'm not quite sure what else to say, so I'm really sorry for how short this was. >.<

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

I start reading the first paragraph and think that this is a 'Solitary Reaper' type poem but then the 3rd stanza just took me by surprise! Beauty can be deadly and the sailors learned that the hard way. I don't think I need to correct anything in this poem, but I say this to everyone - Take a second and a third look at your poem and find out for yourself whether you can make an improvement in it or not. Great stuff, non-the-less!

I really enjoyed reading this poem. Keep the ink flowing!