Young Writers Society

This Faucet is on the Fritz
BY Adrian

This faucet is on the fritz.
Drip, Drip, Drip,
Every morning another drip.
The water gathers at the tip,
gaining weight with every sip.

This house is such a sandbox
where my head is buried beneath the foundation.
I cut and tear the wallpaper
and yank away the carpet,
attempting to deface this monster.

This car is another cut.
Tut, Tut, Tut,
Every day another tut.
The fumes escape out the butt,
burning power with every putt.

There beyond the yellow brick
lies a world far beyond my fingertips.
I bang and bash the engine
and kick the treadless tires,
hoping to jump-start this beast.

With every turn of the wrench,
the water flows faster.
With every twist of a bolt,
the engine roars louder.

The only sounds I hear
are
drip, drip, drip
and
tut, tut, tut.

**** AUTHOR'S NOTE ****

I changed a few words, revised some verb tenses, took out a stanza, and added two more stanzas! I'm happier with it now. I think it makes more sense.

Oh I like it and then I don't like it, there’s too much image not enough rhythm

I don't know what to think of it. I really like the rhythm and the imagery is beautiful. =] You say butt. Ha ha. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how serious you meant the poem to be. But other than that it looks pretty good =] There isn't anything that absolutely has to be changed. I don't see any errors or strangeness. It flows nicely and it's very unique to say in the least. It's good =]

I enjoyed this poem.

Rhyme/repetition, as well as simplicity, in the first stanza really brought the reader into the idea-world of this leaky/flawed faucet.

Second stanza, I do feel the second line could be broken in half, over two lines, and help the poem flow a bit. While it *can* be suggestive of the irregular flow of the eponymous faucet, that's a bit too quirky and out-there to work so early in the poem if it's only done once. Nice everyday images, though, describing the fight to try and fix the speaker's pipes.

Bringing the car in for parallelism is very abrupt - I think you would be well-served with a transitional stanza with the speaker working his way either physically or metaphorically towards the car. Something similar to the fourth stanza would actually be perfect. All that said, it is a nice parallel event to bring in to your poem; the (relatively) advanced technique nicely belies the simplicity of the piece.

The ending is very good and suitable. The speaker's frustration is clearly evident, and it kind of alludes to greater concerns. Very nice piece overall. Keep writing!