Young Writers Society

I'm not a natural at poetry, so it'd be nice if you critiques could forgive me for this work. Many lines seem forced and the wording at times seem odd, so I wouldn't be surprised if this is bashed to bits. I originally wrote it based on the last stanza, which is a little faulty. Thanks for readin' =]

Oh, and pay mind to punctuation. I never know what to do with it in poems, because I'm not used to writing them.

~*~*~*~*~*

I trip over sidewalks, I trip over plants
I trip over pebbles and the hem of my pants
All this as you run you’re able to see
But nevertheless, you can’t catch me

You stumble hastily to retrieve your phone
So you don’t attempt to pursue me alone?
A series of buttons are anxiously pressed
I’d assumed you’d want to clean your own mess

A screech in the background, the slamming of doors
I wonder who I can’t trust anymore
Hold your hands high, they say, don’t pull out a gun
These people aim only to ruin my fun.

A bakery next to me, and I sprint in
The true fun is only about to begin
I ignore annoying questions, blocking out what they say
The people in here only stand in my way

I bound up the stairs, despite their requests
Listening to the police is the bet that’s the best
If I listen to them, I’ll be worse than just dead
At the moment I didn’t care where this window had led

My ankle shoots pains as I land on the ground
Two floors don’t guarantee your fall will be sound
Immediately I get up, and hurry away
I can’t stay still when I have justice to pay

I don’t consider it bad to run from the law
I don’t consider it bad to see the things that I saw
I don’t consider it bad to not know where you’re going
There are few things in this situation that are helpful in knowing

I hide in the shrubbery to prevent being seen
I’m being tailed by a guy who’s barely sixteen?
He’s got his friends with him – some sort of joke?
He should know I’m not one you would want to provoke

I ignore this factor, and keep a watchful eye
If I make the slightest noise, on the spot I’m sure to die
I make eye contact with the boy – shoot, I’ve been seen
I jump to my feet and immediately flee

I see a hotel, and forgetting any plan
I race through the doors, and through the corridors I ran
I can’t draw attention, running, we’re the only ones
I turn around petrified – shit, they have guns

I take a sharp turn, an elevator I spot
I fake another left so I’m not ultimately caught
A couple more steps, doors open, doors close
I make it in right out under their nose

My elbow jabs the button, and I sigh in relief
The last moment I see you, you blink in disbelief
I watch with a smirk as the others race by the door
Realize that I’m smarter than you give me credit for.

Hiya, Sock! I'm Music. I'll review your grammar for you.

I trip over sidewalks[s],[/s]; I trip over plants.
I trip over pebbles and the hem of my pants.
All this as you run, you’re able to see,
[s]B[/s]but nevertheless, you can’t catch me. I've been told to only capitalize when starting a new sentence or using a proper noun or I.

You stumble hastily to retrieve your phone.
So you don’t attempt to pursue me alone?
A series of buttons are anxiously pressed;
I’d assumed you’d want to clean your own mess.

A screech in the background, the slamming of doors;
I wonder who I can’t trust anymore.
Hold your hands high, they say, don’t pull out a gun.
These people aim only to ruin my fun.

A bakery lies next to me, and I sprint in; I think "lies" made it flow a bit better.
[s]T[/s]the true fun is only about to begin.
I ignore annoying questions, blocking out what they say.
The people in here only stand in my way.

I bound up the stairs, despite their requests,
[s]L[/s]listening to the police is the bet that’s the best.
If I listen to them, I’ll be worse than just dead.
At the moment, I didn’t care where this window had led.

My ankle shoots pains as I land on the ground;
[s]T[/s]two floors don’t guarantee your fall will be sound.
Immediately, I get up, and hurry away.
I can’t stay still when I have justice to pay.

I don’t consider it bad to run from the law.
I don’t consider it bad to see the things that I saw .
I don’t consider it bad to not know where you’re going.
There are few things in this situation that are helpful in knowing.

I hide in the shrubbery to prevent being seen.
I’m being tailed by a guy who’s barely sixteen?
He’s got his friends with him – some sort of joke?
He should know I’m not one you would want to provoke.

I ignore this factor[s],[/s] and keep a watchful eye.
If I make the slightest noise, on the spot I’m sure to die.
I make eye contact with the boy – shoot, I’ve been seen.
I jump to my feet and immediately flee.

I see a hotel, and forgetting any plan,
I race through the doors, and through the corridors I ran.
I can’t draw attention, running, we’re the only ones.
I turn around, petrified – shit, they have guns.

I take a sharp turn, an elevator I spot.
I fake another left so I’m not ultimately caught.
A couple more steps, doors open, doors close;
I make it in- right out under their nose.

My elbow jabs the button, and I sigh in relief.
The last moment I see you, you blink in disbelief;
I watch with a smirk as the others race by the door.
Realize that I’m smarter than you give me credit for.

Okay, now on to overall:

I thought the poem quirky, which I liked. Perhaps it wasn't meant as quirky, but I certainly read it that way. A bit of the rhymes were a tad forced, but I liked the poem overall.

Good job.

Love,
Music.

[quote=LoveableLittleSock]
I trip over sidewalks, I trip over plants
I trip over pebbles and the hem of my pants
All this as you run you’re able to see
But nevertheless, you can’t catch me[/quote]

I was about to begin a paragraph-long rant on AABB style rhyming and why you shouldn't do it, but these first two lines caught me by surprise. You've managed to weave it into the natural flow of the story, at least as far as the first whole stanza is concerned. Congratulations, although AABB is tricky to do well and I wouldn't be surprised if you fall through completely as the poem progresses.

Third line does not make sense, as it would be obvious even to a child that a pursuer is supposed to see his prey. Why even include that useless information in this poem? I hope you aren't doing this simply so you can rhyme better...either way, take that out and replace it with perhaps a metaphor of both of your relative speeds, so it connects seamlessly with the last line in the stanza.

You stumble hastily to retrieve your phone
So you don’t attempt to pursue me alone?
A series of buttons are anxiously pressed
I’d assumed you’d want to clean your own mess

Third line seems incredibly forced and I have no idea why you'd randomly want to portray it in passive voice. Again, you're trying too hard to rhyme. Change it to active voice.

A screech in the background, the slamming of doors
I wonder who I can’t trust anymore
Hold your hands high, they say, don’t pull out a gun
These people aim only to ruin my fun.

I assume you have a reason for downplaying a lethal shootout, and are going to explain why later on in the poem. "Ruining fun" seems to be the least of the narrator's problems at this point and the voice changes like a roller coaster; in the beginning of the stanza, and especially the second line, it is frightened and ominous. At the end, it's light and carefree. Why?

A bakery next to me, and I sprint in
The true fun is only about to begin
I ignore annoying questions, blocking out what they say
The people in here only stand in my way

Good, no comment.

I bound up the stairs, despite their requests
Listening to the police is the bet that’s the best
If I listen to them, I’ll be worse than just dead
At the moment I didn’t care where this window had led

I have the feeling that the second line is spoken by those people with the annoying requests. If that's so, include some quotation marks there, because otherwise it is confusing.

"Window had led" doesn't make sense. Do you mean "window leads"? And...why is your last line suddenly in the past tense?

My ankle shoots pains as I land on the ground
Two floors don’t guarantee your fall will be sound
Immediately I get up, and hurry away
I can’t stay still when I have justice to pay

Good, no comment.

I don’t consider it bad to run from the law
I don’t consider it bad to see the things that I saw
I don’t consider it bad to not know where you’re going
There are few things in this situation that are helpful in knowing

Last line is possibly the rockiest and worst-written one in this poem. "Knowing" is the main culprit here, as it is painfully clear that you added it to rhyme with "going" when you could have easily put in "helpful to know" instead, which sounds much better. Again, don't fall into the trap of changing words around to drastically just so they will rhyme.

I hide in the shrubbery to prevent being seen
I’m being tailed by a guy who’s barely sixteen?
He’s got his friends with him – some sort of joke?
He should know I’m not one you would want to provoke

Last line through me off. Who is "you"? Don't change your focus; in the third line, you say "his" and now you switch back to 2nd person voice. Choose one and stick with it.

I ignore this factor, and keep a watchful eye
If I make the slightest noise, on the spot I’m sure to die
I make eye contact with the boy – shoot, I’ve been seen
I jump to my feet and immediately flee

Take out "the boy" in the third line, as it is pretty obvious.

Considering your obsession with wanting to make everything rhyme, I'm surprised that you didn't catch the fact that "seen" and "flee" don't rhyme.

I see a hotel, and forgetting any plan
I race through the doors, and through the corridors I ran
I can’t draw attention, running, we’re the only ones
I turn around petrified – shit, they have guns

I just got machine-gunned here by every line starting with "I" - a petty comment, to be sure, but such monotonous repetition is doing nothing to enhance the flow of your poem. Rearrange it so that these lines do not sound so blocky.

If you just found out that they have guns, then what was up with that earlier paragraph about people shooting you and ruining your fun? Were you referring to someone else? Either way, change that earlier paragraph or this one, because both collide without the reader knowing which one is true.

I take a sharp turn, an elevator I spot
I fake another left so I’m not ultimately caught
A couple more steps, doors open, doors close
I make it in right out under their nose

My elbow jabs the button, and I sigh in relief
The last moment I see you, you blink in disbelief
I watch with a smirk as the others race by the door
Realize that I’m smarter than you give me credit for.

Okay, no. With such a fast-paced, adrenaline-driven poem like this, I was highly disappointed with the ending as it just...ends. It has no conclusion except for that arrogant smirk, no meaning as to who these people are in the first place. Nothing. Scrap this entire last stanza and restart it, making sure to form at least some closure with the rest of the poem before you seal it shut.

One general comment I have is that you should not capitalize the first letter of every line. It looks terribly ugly and is unnecessary. Only capitalize when needed.

Also, your writing, as you guessed before even starting this poem, is choppy and I feel like I'm stumbling over rocks every step of the way. This is, in part, due to phrases that are added on for no good reason, such as "I ignore annoying questions", "at the moment", "ultimately", "immediately," etc. I expect to hear this in a speech where the speaker uses filler words in order to arrange his thoughts quickly before he starts a new paragraph. I don't expect to see this in poetry. Go over the entire piece again and remove words you consider extraneous; try to say it out loud, that always helps to uncover the perpetrators quickly.

Overall, a sub-par poem, but like you said, you're not a natural so improvement is possible. Hope that helped.

Haha. I love this.
It has its rough spots, as previously pointed out. The rhyming does come off as forced at several different points.
Listen to the people above me (sorry, I'm too lazy to look back to see who), they worded the criticism much better than I could.
I'd go into punctuation and whatnot, but that really isn't my strongest point, especially in poetry. It tends to simply confuse me, so I just avoid it completely.
Anyhow, I really liked this. The story was amusing, though slightly hard to follow in areas (but that could be all the cold meds I'm on right now).
Great job, keep working it!

-Jocelyn

Hi there!
The title really caught my eye, and I had no idea what kind of poem it would be before clicking on the topic. But after finishing it, I was like - wow! It was really done in a unique way. I really did like it.
But...be careful on the rhyming! Some parts were quite forced, and didn't really fit. You also should add some punctuation to let the poem flow well.

Overall, I think it was very original.
Keep up the good work! ^^

WOW, i really like your writing. it tells me an important sory- although i have a few suggestions.


I trip over sidewalks, I trip over plants

I trip over pebbles and the hem of my pants

All this as you run you’re able to see i would put a comma between run, and you're

But nevertheless, you can’t catch me



You stumble hastily to retrieve your phone

So you don’t attempt to pursue me alone?

A series of buttons are anxiously pressed

I’d assumed you’d want to clean your own mess



A screech in the background, the slamming of doors

I wonder who I can’t trust anymore

Hold your hands high, they say, don’t pull out a gun

These people aim only to ruin my fun.



A bakery next to me, and I sprint in

The true fun is only about to begin

I ignore annoying questions, blocking out what they say

The people in here only stand in my way



I bound up the stairs, despite their requests

Listening to the police is the bet that’s the best

If I listen to them, I’ll be worse than just dead

At the moment I didn’t care where this window had led



My ankle shoots pains as I land on the ground

Two floors don’t guarantee your fall will be sound

Immediately I get up, and hurry away

I can’t stay still when I have justice to pay



I don’t consider it bad to run from the law

I don’t consider it bad to see the things that I saw

I don’t consider it bad to not know where you’re going

There are few things in this situation that are helpful in knowing



I hide in the shrubbery to prevent being seen

I’m being tailed by a guy who’s barely sixteen?

He’s got his friends with him – some sort of joke?

He should know I’m not one you would want to provoke



I ignore this factor, and keep a watchful eye

If I make the slightest noise, on the spot I’m sure to die

I make eye contact with the boy – shoot, I’ve been seen

I jump to my feet and immediately flee



I see a hotel, and forgetting any plan

I race through the doors, and through the corridors I ran

I can’t draw attention, running, we’re the only ones

I turn around petrified – shit, they have guns



I take a sharp turn, an elevator I spot

I fake another left so I’m not ultimately caught

A couple more steps, doors open, doors close

I make it in right out under their nose



My elbow jabs the button, and I sigh in relief

The last moment I see you, you blink in disbelief

I watch with a smirk as the others race by the door

Realize that I’m smarter than you give me credit for.

Other than that one simple thing... its wonderful. i am a little bit confused about the story though. the character it is about, is he running from a group of ticked off teenagers? Or is it just like a group of trainees, like cops?... Never-the-less, i love it.

The story line? Yeah a bit confusing. I do agree that the ryhming seems a bit forced in parts...

BUT i did however enjoy the poem, and it was well wrote for the most part. Yeah, stick to capitals only after a . or at the beginning of a stanza and you'll be fine. Its well wrote, and interesting. Job very well done.

Well, I hope this was supposed to be a little bit funny, because it made me laugh. Maybe it was the rhyming, which made it sound like it could be a children's book. Although, I guess a kids book wouldn't talk about running from the police... Anyway, the rhyming was great and that just kind of set up the feel of the poem, and made it sound less serious. there were a few places where your rhyme got in the way of the poem, for example you said ran, which is past tense, even though the rest of the poem is present. Which, by the way, the present tense makes it sound funny too.
As for punctuation, well, it would take too long to go through and see what all to change. Besides, you only have commas, no other punctuation. It isn't that hard though, just punctuate the way you would if it were a story instead of a poem. At least, that's what I do and so far no one has told me not to.
One thing I didn't like was somewhere in the middle you had a stanza where the first three lines all started almost exactly the same. that bugged me.
Otherwise, read through this out loud once more, you still have a few awkwardly worded places and typos. then, this is great. Unless it isn't meant to be amusing and funny, you did a great job. It reminds me of the story, the great taos Bank Robbery. You should read it if you haven't already.
Ok, I'm done for this reivew. Again, great job!