Young Writers Society

(A tad old, so you'll have to keep the titsy bitsy political sentiment in perspective. Just thought I'd... catch up and say sumpin. Hi all again, I suppose.)

In the grey dawn
Beneath the helicopter sighing
I can’t hear the news
The gloved pallbearers bring
In coffins like music boxes
We wind up to find our grief
Ding dong ding dong surprise

Follow the hollow heartbeats
of this sullen old ghost town
to the inverted center
where the cracked gold bell is found
And if it calls to you
Would it call to you?

In the grey light
Underneath the children crying
I can only see the shoes
The sighing ladies swing
As the ceremony squanders
We line up and begin to sing
Ding dong ding dong surprise

Follow the hollow heartbeats
To where our wasted tears oft lie
To beyond the sunrise
Where the soldiers go to die
And if they call to you
Would they call to you?

Would that the obituaries
Lying there are lying to us now
and the other line begins
to laugh as we begin to frown
would that it were a joke
a ringing of some bell

ding dong ding dong surprise.

It was pretty good, except this line:
ding dong ding dong surprise.
It's a powerful line, but the lack of commas could make one read right through it... I think it's written well besides that.

It's a very good poem.

The imagery was great. It really painted a picture in my mind.

"ding dong ding dong surprise." -- Quite and obscure line, but in this case, it grew on me.

The repitition of some lines really set the mood.

Keep it up.

Yeah, it is very good. The rhyming is very well done. Great imagery too, and i loved the 'ding dong ding dong surprise' line. Also the title was really intriuging for some reason. Nice job.

I wouldn't worry about the political content or timing of this. Tragedy, unfortunately, is timeless, and you captured it well. I loved the music box metaphor. I found the ding-dongs distracting from your tone.