Young Writers Society

A soilder life is not his own, but his countries.

His home is the battlefield, his shelter is his gun,

His future dismanteled, his deeds undone.

He has no weakness, he's invincible you say,

But in truth his weakness is as plain as day.

He longs for love and hpoes to make a change,

But his hope and mentality have long since lost range.

under no cirrcumstance will that change or cease to be true,

and just think, he owes this tormenting state... he owes it to you.

You who eat and sleep and take life with no concern,

it's for you that his soul so black is destined to burn.

But not to worry he's fine now. Actually swell you might say,

For u no longer stand in his way. He has perished

Ill tell you this, come up with some original thought and please learn how to use the english language correctly. You is not u. I don't detect the craft that would indicate that all of your heinous spelling and grammatical errors. When I read your poem it was like trying to read road signs in the fog. I got the idea of what was going on but I had to guess and re-read and just hope that this was so poem was as simple as I thought it was.

Who the hell is the you that is mentioned, is it me? How have I, an objector to war, have anything to do with the blackening of his soul. How can you possibly blame me(us) for his choices. In what way have I taken life, and why does that effect him.

This is a complete misconstruction of the soldier, any soldier.

Perhaps with some serious reworking you could salvage a good poem out of this but if not I say that you just scrap it.

I have to review this, because the first review was nothing more than mean and unnecessarily disparaging.

I actually think the use of the second person is quite good. Addressing the reader is good, and I can see how you are asking them to reflect on what the life of a soldier would be like in comparison to their own life.

There are a number of spelling and grammar problems in this piece, but those things are easily fixed, and easily learnt, the creative bit is the hard bit to learn.

A soilder life is not his own, but his countries.

This should be country's. It's countries for plural, country's for possessive, just like society's and societies.

His future dismanteled, his deeds undone.

The correct spelling is dismantled.

under no cirrcumstance will that change or cease to be true,

This should start with a capital letter, and the correct spelling is circumstance (although this may be a typo)

and just think, he owes this tormenting state... he owes it to you.

I'm not sure I'm loving the dots here. Maybe a new line or a comma?

The ending is very abrupt. 'He has perished' needs a new line, and maybe you could draw it out? Expand on that, because it has some great emotional potential. You have just appealed to emotions of the reader, so now you should give them something to really feel for.

I think this poem has potential, I honestly do. You just need to polish it, check spelling, spacing and punctuation, and maybe spend some time expanding on the sentiment. Also, if you haven't already done it, I think you'd really enjoy reading some war poetry by people like Wilfred Owen or Bruce Dawe who were anti war poets. War is a big thing to write about, so you should take some time to read the works with varying views on war.

I hope this has been helpful, I know you wrote this a long time ago, but I didn't want the only comment to be one that is so awfully unhelpful and nasty.