Young Writers Society

Bluebird

Remember when we were together
And we watched the bluebird fly,
Its swift wings and radiant body
Melt into the autumn sky.

You spotted the lovely bluebird first.
You laughed and you gazed at me,
Your eyes twinkled as your smile spread,
You said, “Look, he’s truly free!”

“Free?” laughed I. “There is not such a thing!
Slavery is all I see.
Never have I truly set eyes on
A person completely free.”

I will always remember your face,
Stubbornness firing your eyes
“You are wrong,” you whispered, “you are blind.
If you’d see, you’d realize…”

A pained look flickered across your face.
You said, “Watch closely, you’ll see.”
You quieted as you watched the bird
And you snuggled into me.

My eyes drifted to the lovely bird
As it did its cheery flight
Dancing merrily across the sky
And I hoped I wasn’t right.

There he flitted all about, I said
“Where do you suppose he’ll go?”
You whispered quietly back to me,
“To freedom, toward his home.”

A shot resounded throughout the air
The beautiful bird fell, dead.
Together we looked at each other
And not one more word was said.

Um, I laughed at the last stanza (it is stanza isn't it? Please tell me I'm not making an idiot of myself). Ok, it's good, lol i have to agree with the point of no true freedom expressed in this poem. It rhymed fairly well. So yes, very good, and no i'm not just saying that.

This was very well done.

And Shadow Knight, everyone approaches every poem differently, where you may laugh, others may cry. Some poems are written so strongly one way that you can only feel one way, but I don't think this was written that way at all.

Snoink, I really liked this. And I can't altogether explain why.
But, you wrote,


' “Free?” laughed I. “There is not such a thing!
Slavery is all I see.
Never have I truly set eyes on
A person completely free.” '

"A person" sounds right, but a bird is not a person...maybe it's just me. I'm not able to give you something better, "Something" does not sound as good, but it makes more sense to me.

Just a thought.

I really enjoyed reading this poem. Everything up to the last stanza is so lyric and filled with tranquil images, that the last stanza catches you, and that is my opinion makes this poem that much better. I liked how you touched such a philosophical cord in the poem as well. About slavery vs. freedom, and what it is to be free. Great job.

Peace
CL

I don't know, the rhyming was maybe a bit forced in some of the verses, but the whole plot was quite cool. The freedom thing.
Great job, Snoink!

I thought it was a really interesting subject to write about and overall liked it. I don't think I can give it crit. right now 'cause I don't know what to say, but I do suggest you use some nice similes and metaphors. Maybe describe the day and the bluebird in a more unique way. For instance with the shot thing, you said: "A shot resounded throughout the air" and moved on to where the bluebrid dies. Try saying somethinkg like: "A shot resounded through the air, shattering the stillness and peace of the beautiful day." Just somthing more descriptive in some areas, and this would be great. Nice Job! Keep writing.

I have been reading the comments (thank you very much!) but I've stayed rather quiet since if when I tend to speak up, it always seems to kill the thread. Anyway, thank you very much! LonelyDragon, your help was much needed because I never knew why that line was weird. Now that I'm aware of it, I can rake my head for words such as "a person." Either that or find a thesaurus.

Everyone's comments were very nice. I noticed Writersdomain said something about my adding on to this poem a little bit more. I had tried to add another stanza to the poem, but it didn't work so I deleted it. As for adding on to it a little bit more with extra descriptions... er... I don't think it'll work. Part of the power of the poem (what little power it has, ) is the surprise at the end, which needs a certain amount of timing. Otherwise, it would lack the power (I think). If you can prove to me otherwise (don't kill yourself trying to do that, ) then I can see what I can do. Otherwise I am going to find my thesaurus (I swear, it's somewhere in my room) and try to find a three-syllable word for "a person."

Thank you all!

for this kind of poem, this was very good. These sort of old-style tale-poems of wisdom, the sort of stuff that I'll find in my Brit Lit text book. Not that I really like the style at all; I don't. But this was short and funny. Nothing that is literally very good, though...well, no, some of the description is good. There was one line I really liked, but I can't remember what it is. Lol.

I agree with everyone else therefore I have no crit of my own. Good job though and I loved how you discribed everything so beautifully but it was funny. Great work. Everything flows together well and kept me reading until the very end which I thought was the best part:

A shot resounded throughout the air
The beautiful bird fell, dead.
Together we looked at each other
And not one more word was said.

this is a really intresting poem... you described everything really beautifully and I like the way you worded it. the rhyming seemed a little bit sing-songy or dr. seussish or someting... but other than that I liked it alot. good job!! :frosty: :thumb:

I think it was very good, although I easily anticipated what was going to happen before I read to the end. But overall, it was great!

I really like this, the rhyming was a little forced in the first stanza but that was it. It had could symbolisom. Nice wrok.

i thought the writing was really simple and so i foudn it to be uninteresting. i didn't believe the characters either because what defined them was too simple. in addition there's no indication for why the characters feel this way. i think more sophisticated phrasing would do wonders for this poem.

Yes, the poem was supposed to sound sing-songyish. I love it when poetry does that. It makes a nice lulling tone. And the writing is very simple. If I were to clog it with unholy adjectives, it would be much worse (trust me).

Was the ending that predictable? *cringes*

It wasn't a character poem though... both characters are for your imagination. I imagine the two speakers of the poem as best friends, both girls, one who is a dreamer and one who is a realist. Many others see the two as lovers. But that dosn't matter. It's the story that I'm interested in.

I didn't anticipate the ending, but I thaught it was funny. Its all happy and philosophical(sp?) and then BANG! oops, birds dead, lol.