Young Writers Society

-Uber Edit-

She’s suspended,
forever floating
and though her friends are ever gloating,
she’s resigned to wait,
hovering above the ground.

She waits alone and patient,
but time has worn her through
her true color’s glowing blue.
And the tears she cries,
fall before her
as she yearns to land,
feet on firm soil,
but she’s not ripe.

Her friends call to her in pairs
“Soon!" they cry,
but she knows it’s a lie,
for a heart like hers could never
fall in love.

So the tree in which she’s hanging
will forever be her grave,
as she waits with baited breath
for her descent.
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-EDIT-Ok. So I broke it up. Does that help at all? I read it in my mind and where there was supposed to be a pause, I put a comma. Longer pause/end of thoughts I put periods. Breaks are where I sort of stop for breath/link the lines together. Does that do anything for you? Capitalization is now based on the sentences. I changed to italics for "fall" as opposed to all caps. It's supposed to be a pun and irony and that was the whole point of the poem so I think I need something to bring it out. I don't know if people get it.
-Tangerine

i think this poem is well crafted, not vauge really as it's pretty self-explainitory.

Rhyming a bit here and there, lack of punctaution, flow, structure. Disordered capitalization, cliched images.

I'm sorry that's all I can get out of this piece. It's not vague, quite the contrary.

Cheerios, Chandni

All I can probably do is echo and expand on Chandni—she knows what she is talking about.

This is one of them because I feel it disrupts it too much, and the phrases are short enough, that the line breaks work just fine in my opinion (for this poem at least).

Line breaks are not punctuation. Punctuation is needed, because it is grammar and grammar is structure. When you don't use punctuation, you need to have a good reason for it. Like, if you wanted to write a poem and give the feeling that the sentences ran together, and the speaker was confused, over using, or using no punctuation would help. But if you are leaving out punctuation because you can, you probably should put it in.

I won't quote what you said about rhyming, I'll just explain my view. Rhyming can be over done. It sounds like your friend over does it. Honestly, I didn't pick up on the rhyming without reading the last word of each line, probably because it is structureless. But anyway, rhyming should either be done in full with a pattern and continuation or not at all. I'm sure in some cases you can pull of one rhyme within a poem, and nothing more. But you have to know the rules before breaking them, don't you?

Flow, I feel, is very jutted because of the structure and lack of punctuation. It's just line after line, nothing to keep it rolling. So perhaps I should explain structure? Rhythm, or having the same number of syllables in each line. It is also having verses. If you look at my poetry, the majority of it has structure, because I'm obsessed like that. Rhythm and structure would help the poem have a flow, but its very hard to do. It's hard to take something and put it into rhythm; it's easier to write with it in mind.

We spoke of emotional poetry before, in relation to something else though. I think with this poem, you should work on the emotional parts. I can't connect with this poem, or take any feelings or thoughts away from it, and the whole reason we read anything is to feel something, right? Make us feel.

“soon!’ they cry

you have a double (") and a single (') quote. Which are you using?

FALL in love

why the caps? probably to put emphasis on the word fall, but it doesn't do much for me...

Hope I helped?