Young Writers Society

I lie there vacantly upon my bed,
Eyes still bloodshot, Fogged and bright red.
Mahogony frame and curled head board,
How can such a place ever have been graced by whom i adore'd.

I descend the stairs, feeling all of the banisters creases,
The phone at the bottom, reminds me of the hours we spent talking.
Like the ceder tree on the beach outside, my memories are in pieces,
That beach that she loved more than me,she was forever walking.

I used to wonder if the wood had been brought there,
or if it simply washed up on the shore.
I ask the same question about ending up with a girl so fair,
Just a short time on your beach, wanting so much more.

Entering the sitting room,
the reapers claws try to pull me to the couch.
Im fighting to save my life,
but you just see me standing with a slouch.

Looking at the T.V controls,
none of the buttons have what i want.
The empty screen just reflects a broken man,
unwashed hair, face so gaunt.

I put on my boots and head out the door,
the dark clouds gather and the rain begins to pour.
The door slams shut, will one ever open again?
Maybe heartbreak is the gateway, boys pass through and come out men.
The End

The first stanza is very descriptive.

How can such a place ever have been graced by whom i adore'd.

I like this line, its unexpected and very direct.

I descend the stairs, feeling all of the banisters creases,
The phone at the bottom, reminds me of the hours we spent talking.
Like the ceder tree on the beach outside, my memories are in pieces,
That beach that she loved more than me,she was forever walking.

All very good, creates a very visual image and conjures up the setting well. "creases" is a good word choice, it avoids the cliche descriptions that you might get of banisters.

Entering the sitting room,
the reapers claws try to pull me to the couch.
Im fighting to save my life,
but you just see me standing with a slouch.

Yet again there is some more good imagery. Slouch and couch feels a bit forced though.

unwashed hair, face so gaunt.

Loving the description.

I put on my boots and head out the door,
the dark clouds gather and the rain begins to pour.
The door slams shut, will one ever open again?
Maybe heartbreak is the gateway, boys pass through and come out men.

Very meaningful ending. A nice poem, has many dimensions to it.

The words of the first stanza gives it a really sad and lonesome feel to it which sets it up for the remainder of the poem.

It is very picturesque and there are little snippets that co relate with similar past experiences of mine, you've been able to portray it beautifully even if it is a sad subject, so kudos for that.

It's all very descriptive and puts you into the mood that the character is feeling, which is what good poetry is supposed to do.

I like how you tied it all together in the last line, very powerful I might add.
It is a poem that conjures up that feeling of longing, and it couldn't have been done a better way.

Of what I've read of your poetry I think I've stumbled upon a new favorite.